Rekindle the passion in your marriage. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children. Most of their conversations revolve around work, chores, their child’s activities, and the mundane aspects of their stale marriage.
Kendra puts it this way: “I love Jason, but the passion just isn’t there anymore.”
When Kendra drops this bombshell, Jason responds, “I thought we did well, I really did. Even though we don’t have much sex anymore, it just seems like a phase we’re going through. I don’t have any energy left by the time I hit the bed at night.”
By all accounts, Kendra and Jason were passionate during the early years of their marriage. However, in recent years, their sex life has declined and they rarely spend time together without their children. Kendra seeks out Jason for sexual intimacy and Jason often pulls away.
According to experts, the most common reason couples lose their passion for each other and stop being sexually intimate is a chaser-distance pattern that develops over time. Dr. Sue Johnson identifies the demand-withdrawal pattern as the “Protest Polka” and says it is one of three “Demon Dialogs.” He explains that when one partner becomes judgmental and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.
Dr. John Gottman’s research of thousands of couples found that partners who stick to this pattern in the early years of marriage have a greater than 80% chance of breaking up in the first four to five years.
Promote emotional intimacy
A good sexual relationship is based on emotional intimacy and closeness. In other words, if you hope to improve your physical relationship, you must first work on your emotional relationship. Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs with love and respect.
In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love must turn to each other. Practicing emotional attunement can help you stay connected even when you disagree. This means reaching out to each other with empathy, rather than being defensive. Both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms positive needinstead of what they do not need.
According to Dr. Gottman, expressing a positive need it is a recipe for success for both listener and speaker because it conveys complaints and requests without criticism and blame. Dr. Gottman says, “This requires a mental transformation from what’s wrong with one’s partner to what one’s partner can do that would work. The speaker is really saying, “Here’s what I feel and what I need from you.”
Rekindle Sexual Chemistry
During the early phase of marriage, many couples barely come out for air due to the excitement of being in love. Unfortunately, this happy state doesn’t last forever. Scientists discovered that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released during the initial stage of courtship causes couples to feel euphoric and energized by physical touch. It actually works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that bond us to our lover.
Holding hands, hugging and tender touch are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual touch that focuses on pleasure. Sex therapist and educator Dr. Michael Stysma recommends that you aim to double the amount of time you kiss, cuddle and use sensual touch if you want to improve your marriage.
Sexual attraction is difficult to maintain over time. For example, Kendra and Jason lack passion because they are unwilling to give up control and show vulnerability. As a result, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other. Sex therapist Laurie Watson says, “Most sexual concerns stem from an interpersonal struggle in marriage.”
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Here are 10 tips to bring passion back into your marriage:
1. Change your pattern of initiating sex
Maybe you’re rejecting your partner or being too loud. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game”. Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often, and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner, “you’re hot,” in subtle ways that avoid criticism and demands for closeness.
2. Hold hands more often
According to the author Dr. Corey Floyd, holding hands, hugging and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation. Studies show that it is also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection lowers stress hormones – reducing daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
3. Let the tension build
Our brain experiences more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward continues for some time before we receive it. So spend time on foreplay, share fantasies, change locations and make sex more romantic.
4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Schedule intimacy time and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when we are distracted and stressed.
5. Make time to spend with your partner
Try a variety of activities that will give you both pleasure. Have fun flirting and practice flirting as a way to spark sexual desire and intimacy. Dr. Gottman says that “everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.”
6. Focus on loving touch
Give your partner a back or shoulder rub. People associate foreplay with sex, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to show and rekindle passion even if you’re not a sensitive person.
7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex
Share your innermost wishes, fantasies and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider engaging in individual or couples therapy.
8. Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy
Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. See sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.
9. Vary the kind of sex you have
Have soft, tender, intimate and highly erotic sex. Break the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.
10. Make sex a priority
Get in the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
Even if you’re not a sensitive person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you maintain a deep, meaningful bond.
The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can rekindle the spark you once enjoyed. In fact, Dr. Gottman reminds us that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together:
“Couples who know each other intimately [and] well aware of each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams are the couples that make it.”
