I remember what the lack of intimacy in my marriage was like—terrible.
It made me feel like what’s the point of being married?! Every interaction was a painful reminder that we were NOT having deep conversations, flirting or laughing together.
There was no emotional intimacy and then no physical intimacy either.
I felt rejected and neglected. I didn’t feel wanted, which is very important to me.
Since we had started with so much connection and playfulness in the past, I knew what I was missing, which made it even worse!
I couldn’t tell myself, “This is what happens when you’ve been married for a while.” Even if that was true, it didn’t stop me from wanting intimacy back, even though I had forgotten why I chose my husband.
So it was pretty messed up and miserable for a few years.
But here are 3 things I learned about where intimacy went and how to bring it back.
1. Control and intimacy are opposites
I gave a lot of direction, encouragement, approval, insistence, and demanding that John do things my way—the right way. I thought I was being helpful by teaching him things I knew more about, but in reality I was a steamroller.
What I didn’t realize is that control and intimacy are opposites, like light and dark.
Now I know that if I want intimacy, I have to be willing to let him be himself. Which meant I had to learn how to stop being so helpful! And that was hard for me!
Every helpful suggestion I made about how she should dress, drive, eat, or clean, killed the intimacy. It still happens when I feel like a smarty-pants again, which happens from time to time.
If I want intimacy, I have to stop trying to control and stay on my own paper. Learning how to do this was a revelation, and I’m so grateful for it now, because control is exhausting and fails. It’s also disrespectful, which leads me to the second thing I learned about how to restore intimacy…
2. Respect is like oxygen to men
Of course, everyone wants to feel respected, but for my husband, maybe yours too, respect is like oxygen. He will drown without it.
Part of the reason he chose me was because I admired him so much and thought he was so smart.
But then I gradually started telling him how to load the dishwasher, which lane to drive in, and what to eat for lunch. So my control was very disrespectful, but it wasn’t the only way I was disrespectful.
I began to expect the worst from him, instead of the best. I cut him off too, rolled my eyes, laughed at his ideas and walked away while he was talking.
I was kinder to strangers than to the man I swore to love forever.
Quite embarrassing!
There are many ways to be disrespectful. I’ve tried them all and none of them seem right to me now. Everything makes me feel hairy and dirty. Bleh!
They also cost me a lot of intimacy. You can’t have an intimate marriage without the oxygen of respect, in my experience.
To restore intimacy, consider revising how you treat each other respectfully.
3. Intimacy is not for sissies
One of the great gifts that came out of my marriage breakdown was that I discovered I was a scaredy cat!
I was scared all the time. I focused on what I was afraid of and gave it a voice. All. Day. Long.
To stop controlling and become more respected, I had to become more courageous. Building courage muscles seemed like a big hill to climb at first.
Imagine a training montage where someone starts out completely out of shape. But then you see them all get fit and strong by the end.
It was just like that, but from being constantly anxious to being braver and more confident.
I developed the ability to feel my fear coming and not act on it. Like when I decided to trust him to pick investments for our retirement even though I was afraid we’d lose money.
I realized that didn’t mean I was right, just that I was afraid.
It still feels like a superpower because at first, it didn’t seem possible.
I asked myself, “How will I ever stop acting on my fear and learn to choose my faith? How will I ever have anything to say if I don’t give voice to my fears?’
My superpower really improved when I started hanging out with other women who were doing the same thing.
Together we became braver and supported each other in choosing our faith. This has proven to be great for intimacy in my marriage and theirs as well.
So it’s interesting to think about what might happen in your marriage if you had a lot of ability to choose your faith every day. It might just bring back the intimacy you crave.
Now that you know what I learned, what do you learn about where intimacy has gone and how you can get it back?
By Laura Doyle
