What is attachment disorder in adulthood?
An attachment disorder exists when an adult is unable to maintain an intimate relationship primarily because of attachment problems, such as having an insecure or avoidant attachment style.
Attachment Disorder In Adults
1-Types of attachment styles.
There are four different attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. However, to simplify things, I will divide them into two categories, secure and insecure. Someone with a secure attachment style is comfortable with closeness, intimacy, and connection and trusts others easily. Someone with an insecure attachment style is the opposite. They struggle with closeness and are uncomfortable with intimacy and connection, and distrust others. Therefore, the type of attachment style you have will greatly influence how you connect or not with your partner.
2-Causes of attachment style.
Our attachment style comes from our family of origin. Attachment theory says that a child who has at least one primary caregiver who tunes in and responds to their signals sensitively and consistently will develop a sense of trust. They will feel that the world is a safe place, and therefore develop a secure attachment. This child will grow up and take this style with them into their adult relationships and be comfortable with connection and closeness because they received it growing up. Conversely, if a child does not have a primary caregiver who tunes his signals sensitively and consistently, he will develop a sense of mistrust and an insecure attachment style. They will feel that people are not safe. This child will grow up and carry their attachment disorder into their adult relationships and struggle with connection and closeness because it wasn’t designed for them when they grow up.
There are several reasons why some parents are not attentive primary caregivers. One reason is that they themselves grew up with an insecure attachment style, so they repeat how they were raised. Another reason is that they may be under the influence of substances or have mental health problems and therefore cannot tune into their child’s signals sensitively and consistently.
3-Effects of attachment styles.
If you have a secure attachment style, you will thrive as a partner because you are comfortable with closeness and are more likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt because you see people as safe and good. The opposite is true for someone who has an insecure attachment style. If you have an insecure attachment style, you will struggle because you will feel uncomfortable with being close to your partner. You will be more likely to assume the worst of your partner’s motives because you see people as insecure and not good. This will result in you either becoming clingy in affirmation or distancing yourself to protect yourself from being hurt, both of which will put a strain on your relationship.
4-Attachment style management.
Many relationships consist of a securely attached partner and an insecure partner. If you are the safe partner, you will need to offer extra grace and patience. Remember, your insecurely attached partner’s behavior isn’t just about you. They may assume the worst of you, may shut you out or become overly clingy at times. Expect it. You will have areas for improvement as a partner as well, but most of the tension in your relationship will probably come from your insecure attachment style. However, you also have the power to transform your partner’s insecure attachment style into a secure attachment style. You can be the unconditional love they never received and the secure, stable relationship they never had. You have many opportunities to create a safe haven for your partner to work through attachment trauma so they can bond securely with you.
If you are the insecurely attached partner, when you start to isolate yourself for safety or become overly attached because you feel insecure, remember that it’s not all your partner’s fault. Rather, it is from your family of origin. You carry an attachment disorder into adulthood from your upbringing and project many of your insecurities onto your partner. So when you find it difficult to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, think again. Look for their innocence and the good in their hearts. Look how steadfast they were in their love and commitment to you. Remind yourself that you are safe, that you are safe, and that it is okay to trust them. Reminding yourself of these truths over time will eventually become your new narrative. Attachment wounds can be healed through your relationship!
Further reading:
How to fix a broken relationship
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What comments or questions do you have about attachment disorder in adults?
