Notes from the podcast:
In relationships, one harsh truth remains: no one is perfect. This recognition sets the stage for what I call the “Full Miss” phenomenon, where apps and social gatherings present us with potential partners who tick most of the boxes but seem to fall short in some areas. In these gaps, many of us, armed with the best of intentions, fall into the trap of believing that we can mold, shape, and ultimately “fix” these near misses in our ideal partner. But here’s a critical intervention: Stop. Cut it out.
This strategy, although often started with the purest of intentions, is fraught with pitfalls and destined for poor results.
Why the fix-it mentality persists
The urge to fix can come from a variety of places, often benign and empathetic at their core. For one, there is the “Savior Complex” – an excess of empathy and a deep-seated need to prove one’s goodness by being the necessary lifeline for someone perceived to be in dire need of saving. This mindset places an undue responsibility on you and takes away from the other person the power and responsibility for their life.
Then there is the allure of playing the expert, where the motivation to fix is driven by a desire to display superiority, knowledge and leadership. While claiming a role and demonstrating personal growth experience can be empowering, forcing these qualities on someone as a form of relationship improvement is ineffective and often counterproductive.
The case against fixing your partner
Trying to fix someone assumes they need fixing – an assumption that is not only presumptuous but can border on obnoxious. It is important to question the validity of the desired change: is it really beneficial and, more importantly, is it wanted by the partner?
Moreover, the foundation of loving relationships is not conditional love. The concept of “I’ll love you if…” introduces conditions into the relationship that can erode its very essence. Trying to change partners often targets those who are perceived as vulnerable, further destabilizing the relationship through resentment, guilt and a diminished sense of self-worth.
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Furthermore, the hard truth is that most of us are not as adept at facilitating change in others as we might think. Effective, lasting change requires a nuanced understanding, skills, and patience—qualities that are professional domains, not personal liabilities.
Bottom line: Embrace, don’t fix
In conclusion, the journey to fostering a healthy relationship is paved with mutual respect, acceptance, and unconditional love, not a relentless pursuit of reshaping your partner into an idealized version. While the impulse to repair may come from a place of love, carrying it out can lead to resentment, loss of individuality, and ultimately, a rupture in the relationship.
So instead of aiming to fix your partner, focus on building a foundation of support, understanding, and respect that celebrates your flaws and strengths. After all, the most lasting relationships embrace, rather than try to erase, the flaws that make us human.
