The question was dreaded and my daughter patiently awaited her answer. He was ten years old. I might have had a heart attack. After a while to calm down, I first asked why she was asking me and was immediately relieved that she wasn’t in the mood to start dating, but that her 4th grade friend had just announced that she had a boyfriend. Plus, she reminded me that her cousin had been told she had to be sixteen before she could date.
My response was to ask her the same questions. “How old do you think you should be before you start dating?”
He chose the standard sixteen, probably because that seems to be the norm in many families around us. Fast forward, and she’s well on her way to turning fifteen, so hypothetically, we’re only a year and a half away from the magical age of sixteen. We had a similar conversation the other day. only i started it.
“So you’re going to start dating when you’re sixteen?”
She looked at me shocked that I asked, then replied, “Why waste my time?”
After I was done doing my secret happy dance in the kitchen and throwing broken spaghetti noodles as makeshift confetti, I realized that was an interesting response for a teenage girl. I called her again and asked her why she reacted like that.
“Well, it’s not like I’m getting married at sixteen. Not to mention, the whole dating thing seems to ruin friendships, and I’d rather not do it when there’s no end game in dating. I’ll wait until I’m older. Like maybe eighteen. When I can start thinking long term.”
It was all so practical and uninteresting. not the atypical teenager. So I’ll take it. But that brings me to my point. If you asked me today how old my daughter would have to be for me to be comfortable dating her, I would say she can decide at that point for the future. But that’s also because she’s shown a remarkable and, I believe, God-given maturity in weighing the pros and cons of dating as a teenager. Her motivations for dating are not status, competition, emotional highs, or hormonal urges. Right now, anyway, her dating motivations are to find someone who shares her values, heart, and faith, and she has an end game in mind.
So what is the magical age of sixteen? I think we’ve landed on applying an age to dating because it sets expectations and, in a way, gives us, as parents, an outlet for the younger years. Sixteen is the age when kids start driving, often start working more consistently, and start testing the waters more seriously for adulthood. I could argue that, based on these pressures alone, the addition of a relationship and dating is the perfect reason why sixteen is simply too young to date. But I won’t.
Instead, the argument I’d like to make – or rather the challenge I’d like to put out there for parents – is to avoid the magic age of anything for dating. There is a lot that goes into teenage relationships. Should I mention pressures? Physical affection, peer pressure, high school boy/girl dating drama, the added elements of social media, photos, texting and rumor-mongering, etc. You have a lot to process as your brain is still developing into adulthood. And really, what is the end game of a teenage dating relationship? I met two sets of high school sweethearts in my life that got married. This is not a strong statistic for a long-term likelihood of fidelity.
That said, a parent might argue that teenage dating is about learning how to interact with the opposite sex in a relationship construct. They might say that teen dating isn’t meant for dating or marriage, but instead, it’s just for fun, socializing, and a learning experience. And you might be right. I’m not here to argue for or against teenage dating, but rather to help us determine the right age to start dating.
So, as parents, let’s ask ourselves the following questions:
Does my child have a history of integrity and self-control?
Does my child have enough self-esteem to say “no” when necessary and to stand up for themselves in the event of abuse, bullying and so on?
Does my child respect himself enough to be content as his own person, or does he exemplify a more needy personality that relies on another person for his satisfaction, happiness, and self-worth?
Does my child have the means to deny his own emotional impulses?
Does my child have the ability to set healthy boundaries?
Does my child have a clear idea of what he/she wants and needs in a friend?
And the list of questions goes on. I realize some of us are reading this list and thinking, “I’m not sure I even have the right answer to these questions!”
Therein lies my point. Dating at any age is an ongoing process of learning how to balance relationships, healthy boundaries, trust, emotional and mental health, and spiritual consistency. So, as your teen develops in these areas on his own, if he starts dating, he has now introduced another person into his equation to influence his development. This can be very positive. It can be very negative. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.
And that’s really the point. I suggest that there is no right age for your child to start dating. It might cause some family strife, but you might have one kid who could start dating responsibly by fifteen and the other not until seventeen. Of course, once you’re eighteen, you’re out of luck forcing anything, and some of us aren’t sure our twenty-somethings should be dating yet.
The key is to prepare your children for dating. By taking this list of questions and being conscientious about helping them learn these qualities, define these beliefs and philosophies, and build their own boundaries.
As someone who’s been in youth ministry for over twenty years, I’ve seen too many teenage dating relationships begin with the endorphin rush of “he’s cute” and the adrenaline rush of being able to announce to peers that “I’m dating so-and-so.” These relationships usually crash and burn quickly, resulting in them “cheating” (not even sexually, but when a boy texts another girl, cheating has occurred) and then peer gossip and chatter ensues, which just makes it worse. I’ve also seen some healthy teenage dating relationships that didn’t end in marriage, but maybe lasted eight months to a year. But those relationships had healthy boundaries that teens set for themselves and their parents. These teens they also typically had healthy relationships with their parents and a fundamental foundation of their own faith and self-esteem that they did not rely on their partner to create their worth.
So as a parent, be careful to pick an “age” when dating is “okay.” Your teen may not be ready yet, and when you get there, you may regret ever setting those standards. On the other hand, your teen may be mature and ready to explore relationships in a healthy way that isn’t detrimental to their development. It may seem excessive at that point to hold 18 as the age they can choose to date and no teenage dating is allowed before.
Take time to get to know your child. Take the time to instill values in them and really ask yourself the questions that will help you determine if your child has reached the maturity level to handle a relationship responsibly.
Will there be separations? Most likely. Broken hearts? Probably. Mistakes made? Inevitably. But your child’s foundation plays a big role in how severe these problems become. So, be careful when determining a correct age and instead, determine your child’s character and maturity and go from there.
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Jaime Jo Wright is an ECPA and Publisher’s Weekly bestselling author. Her novel The House on Foster Hill won the prestigious Christy Award and she continues to publish gothic thrillers for the inspirational market. Jaime Jo lives in the woods of Wisconsin, lives in dreamland, exists in reality and invites you to join her adventures in jaimewrightbooks.com and on her podcast madlitmusings.com where he discusses the deeper issues of history and faith with other writers.
