Can we talk about human-helpers who claim that people suffer “because they choose to suffer” or that people are stuck “because they decide to be stuck?”
We can talk about how damaging this attitude is, especially from people who have positioned themselves as helpers?
I have seen posts from coaches and human helpers stating that people suffer because they choose to suffer. I don’t blog about everything I come across.
But living with chronic pain, carrying the effects of trauma in my body, and playing hopscotch with “advice” from well-meaning (sometimes) Christians, I feel the need to comment. (Also, I have a resource to support those who are tired of damaging theology, “church” culture, and bad marriage teachings.)
Can we just agree that belittling suffering is not how you support them in safety and healing? When a person is living with raw trauma or ongoing difficulties, “You chose this” is the last thing they want to hear.
To state that suffering or being stuck as a basis for choice is to pour the acid of shame and guilt on those who cannot let go of pain, no matter how much they want to. (Think people living with chronic conditions, children in unsafe households, poor people, women in the process of dealing with harmful marriages, people in war zones.)
Sometimes, bad things happen that are beyond our control.
Feeling “stuck” can also be due to overwhelming stress or trauma, part of the “Freeze” response that occurs in the context of perceived threat. So it is unfair to state that people are stuck because they chose to be.
The four primary trauma responses (“Flee,” “Fight,” “Freeze,” and “Fawn”) are completely without conscious thought or decision. Not something one “chooses”. Consider how some animals play “dead” in response to perceived threats, or plants that wither and “die” when you touch them.
For human beings, when “Freeing” or “Fighting” (even “Fawning”) is likely to be ineffective, a Freeze response may occur.*
Shaming those who suffer: Unintended damage
It could be that those who say “suffering is a choice” or “you’re stuck because you chose it” are trying to articulate specific times.
Obviously, I would have preferred better word choices, but yes, we have the power of choice (more on that shortly.) But if we do decide to enter the discussion of the “human condition,” we’d better put on our fancy clothes.
I have yet to notice the nuance or context in their words – who, what or when. I’ve just seen the general verbiage about how suffering is a choice and why we should “choose” rather than be stuck.
Again, I am a marriage coach (on hiatus) and fully understand how each person can tap into and express their own will, thought and choice.
But it is also important to recognize that certain circumstances disrupt or rob people of their agency and affect how they appear to themselves and others. We can’t just bulldoze people into using something they don’t have the resources for yet.
It’s like kicking and kicking the tires of a stationary vehicle, demanding that it move. It won’t happen. To drive this car, you need to add some gas and turn on the ignition.
Obviously, people are more complicated than cars, but I hope you get the point. We don’t shout, kick and make demands. We become allies and explore needs. We address needs first before trying to provide a road map.
Shaming those who suffer: Making an enemy out of our bodies
In evangelical and conservative circles, the body is a burden—a brute to be kicked, coerced, and bullied.
We have been taught to see our bodies as wicked, immoral, sinful – the enemy that keeps us from all that we want to be. And so it stands to reason that when this body hurts, we will force it into our tiny little box with what we think looks like “joy” or “healing” or “peace” or “faith.”
We will ignore the needs of this body, how it is created and how it moves in each environment. We will ignore her. Because we don’t like it. We don’t like it ourselves.
But then we see Jesus. God incarnate, taking our form, dignity and affirming our worth. All our parts are welcome at His table. We don’t have to ignore our pain, our suffering, and how our bodies interact with our world and circumstances in order to belong.
The same body that feels and expresses joy and elation at a friend’s graduation after four years of hard work is the same body that expresses sadness and anguish when a loved one betrays us.
It is the same body, worthy of curiosity, compassion and acceptance, regardless of its condition.
We make room for different seasons and experiences, not because we are determined to stay in one location forever, but because we deserve the whole human experience. We will not thrive without connection to all parts of ourselves.
Our hope can only be as deep as our sorrow. ~ Cole Arthur Riley
The courage to reflect and mourn
When bad things happen to us, we are called to name those things and grieve them.
This is how the soul and body work, God created us to move in the world. Our body signals what we need or lack, not as judgment or shame, but as an invitation to examine our needs in that moment.
We don’t need to fool around with our needs, feelings, or senses, or hastily pick up our broken pieces to drift into “joy.” We can sit together us. We can name the pain. We can express our suffering. We invite or acknowledge the Divine right here, where we are.
“To mourn is to express regret or sorrow. Grieving something horrible that has taken place allows a deep connection to form between the person grieving and the harm done, and this emotional connection is the first step in creating a path for healing and hope. We must sit in the grief, avoid trying to fix it right away, avoid trying to make it all right. Only then is pain useful. Only then can it lead us to healing and wisdom.” – LaTasha Morrison, Be the Bridge: Pursuing God’s Heart for Racial Reconciliation.
The gap between what happens to us and how we are taught to perceive it is why I wrote my new book, Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul.
Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul is a collection of 29 powerful poems and reflections. It’s a little book (the smallest I’ve ever written!) about grieving, grieving, and healing…with buckets of affirmation.
So often, the “Christian faith” favors only certain parts of us. We are asked to give “good references”. People want to hear “testimonials”. Women are told to “stop painting your husband in a bad light” when telling the truth about their marriage.
We are told that our diminution is “divinely ordained” and we should be thankful and glad for the crumbs. (Otherwise, we are ungrateful, complaining, rebellious Jezebels.)
It shouldn’t be like this. We deserve more.
Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul it is about truth, liberation and hope. It is a vision and language for the woman who embraces the fullness of herself as an image bearer who carries the God-given rights to protect her dignity and humanity.
Courage it is for women who wish not to harm the theology, “church” culture and bad teachings of marriage.
Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul goes on sale Monday, December 11, 2023, at 6am. central time.
Liberation is not a final or final point. it is an endless awakening. It’s something we can both meet and walk away from at the same time. Our responsibility to ourselves is to become so familiar with it, so attuned to its sound, that when it calls to us, we will know which way the table is headed. To answer the question of how one tunes in to liberation, I think we need to ask: What sounds drown it out? Cole Arthur Riley, This Here Flesh: Spirituality, Liberation, and the Stories That Make Us
