From a reader: Wondering, “Is My Husband Cheating?” For the past year, my husband has been interested in colognes and new underwear. And, his mobile data shows crazy high usage. I have asked if he has a girlfriend and he has denied it. Our sex life has declined over the years so I guess the signs point to someone else but I’m afraid to try to find out more. Any thoughts on next steps?
Let me start by saying that I am so sorry that you have to wonder, “My husband is cheating.” I’m sure this is a difficult time. Not knowing must be frustrating and hard to deal with.
All that said, here is my opinion. I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just what I believe. Ready? This may be hard to hear, but…
No one’s instincts were ever wrong.
This could include yours. So, if your suspicion is correct, you have some choices to make. First, ask yourself, “If I find out for sure that he is cheating, what do I want to do about it? Stay silent and do nothing? Work things out with him because I still love him? Break things up with him because we have kids and I don’t want to be a single mom? Break up? Should we agree to stay together and declare our marriage an open marriage? Do you have a trial separation?’
These are all the options you have and things to think about. However, you can’t really be expected to make a decision until you hear what your spouse has to say. So you need to get him to admit cheating – if he is.
I would recommend sitting him down and taking it out on him. Ask him about cologne and underwear, excessive phone use. Be nice but firm. Try not to be accusatory, as this will only make him defensive and angry. Be smart about it.
If/when she admits to cheating, how she handles it will affect what you choose to do.
One of these three things can happen:
1. He could be extremely apologetic, remorseful and show remorse.
He may cry and beg for your forgiveness. If that happens, the two of you might have a chance to work things out.
2. He may get angry and tease, admit to cheating and tell you that it is your fault that he has not been happy for several years.
He might even say something like he never loved you. If this happens, your marriage may be over.
3. He may tell you that he is in love with another woman and wants to be with her.
His tone can be somewhat quiet and sad. If this happens, your marriage is probably over.
You wrote that you are afraid to learn more. I can completely understand how you might feel that way. I understand. Facing the Truth About ‘Is My Husband Cheating?’ it can be scary. That’s why doing nothing is an option.
I bet there are countless women (and men) out there who know their husbands are cheating and choose to do nothing because they’ve weighed their options and maintaining the status quo seems like the best. No one should judge anyone for any decision they make.
For me personally I could not live like this. I think living in this situation can cause one’s self-esteem to drop, their self-love to fall bye-bye, and their life to become dark, sad and lonely. It also sets a very bad example the children about what marriage is.
I guess what I’m saying is that it takes tremendous courage to get to the root of the truth and then handle what you discover. And, this can put you in a worse place for some time. But, once you get through the dark tunnel (which could mean divorce or marriage work or even just getting over the hurt, cheating and lies), the other side can be better.
Only you can make that decision, but I hope you love yourself and appreciate your values enough to do what is right/best for you and your children.
One last thing I want to mention is that you need support right now, and some great ways to get that are through family members, close friends, and faith. You have to lean on something or someone, almost as if you were leaning on yourself. This is a very difficult time for you. Let yourself confide in someone.
In closing, I want to say this. Things will be fine. They just will. I promise. It may not seem like it, but it’s true. Just remember to do what is right for you and your children and what is in your heart. Remember to TRUST YOUR ARMY. Did I mention that no one’s instincts were ever wrong?
