Abuse is not always as obvious as a physical fight. In fact, many victims of abuse may not even realize they are in an abusive relationship because it does not involve physical violence. That’s why I so often hear the question, “If he didn’t hit me, is it abuse?” Abuse can take many forms and it is important to recognize the signs and understand that abuse is not just limited to physical harm.
I was a victim and survivor of abuse and now I am prosperous, but the dark days are etched in my memory. I went from one abusive relationship to another, not realizing I was being abused until it was physical. I also didn’t take the time to find out why I chose this relationship and why I was attracted to “him”, so I went from the arms of one abuser to the fists of another. I later learned that I was more often a victim than I thought. I didn’t understand the verbal, emotional and mental abuse and the insidious cycle of power and control it was.
This article aims to shed light on the less obvious but equally devastating forms of abuse, along with providing guidance to victims and answering the question: If he didn’t hit me, is it abuse?
Understanding abuse
Abuse is a pattern of behavior that seeks to gain power and control over another person. While physical violence is one form of abuse, there are many others, including emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and even digital abuse. Recognizing these more subtle forms of abuse is vital to your well-being and safety.
Emotional and Psychological abuse
- Constant criticism: Abusers may constantly criticize and belittle their victims, eroding their self-esteem.
- Handling: Emotional abusers often manipulate their victims through guilt, threats, or other means to control their actions.
- Isolation: Isolating victims from friends and family is a common tactic used by abusers to maintain control.
- Gas lighting: Abusers may deny their actions or make victims doubt their own reality, leading to confusion and self-doubt.
Verbal abuse
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- Full name: Constant swearing and derogatory language can be a sign of verbal abuse.
- Threats: Threats, whether expressed or implied, are a form of verbal abuse.
- Screams and Screams: Raising your voice too much can be emotionally damaging and abusive.
Financial abuse
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- Control of finances: An abuser can control all financial resources, leaving the victim financially dependent.
- Sabotaging Employment: Some abusers may jeopardize their victim’s job or career.
- Using money as a weapon: Withholding money or using it for manipulation and control is a form of financial abuse.
Digital abuse
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- Monitoring: An abuser may excessively monitor their victim’s online activities or invade their privacy.
- Harassment: Sending threatening or harassing messages via text, social media or email is a form of digital abuse.
- Revenge porn: Sharing personal images without consent is a serious violation of privacy and can be digitally abusive.
Advice for victims of abuse
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, it is important to take steps to protect yourself and seek help:
1. Recognize abuse: Recognize the signs of abuse, even if it’s not physical. Understanding the problem is the first step to getting help.
2. Turn to a trusted person: Confide in a trusted friend or family member. They can provide emotional support and help you make a safety plan.
3. Contact a Helpline or Support Agency: There are numerous organizations and hotlines dedicated to helping victims of abuse. They can offer guidance, resources and a safe space to discuss your situation.
4. Security Planning: Develop a security plan with the help of professionals. This plan should include steps to protect yourself in an emergency.
5. Seek Legal Advice: Depending on your situation, consulting with an attorney may be necessary, especially when dealing with financial or legal aspects of abuse.
6. Consider Counseling: Therapy or counseling can help you heal emotionally from the trauma of abuse and give you tools to build a healthier future.
Abuse is not limited to physical violence and recognizing the signs of emotional, psychological, verbal, financial and digital abuse is vital to your well-being. If you suspect you are a victim of abuse, remember that you are not alone and that there are resources and support available to help you break free from an abusive relationship and move toward a safer, healthier future. Don’t wait for physical harm to validate your feelings. Your emotional and mental well-being is just as important.
Beverly Price is a Certified Divorce and Empowerment Coach and the Founder of her practice, Her Empowered Divorce. Also a podcast host, speaker, and domestic violence advocate, Beverly is one of the co-founders of The Divorce Coalition, an organization that promotes domestic violence awareness and domestic violence recovery. Learn more here.
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