I don’t trust my husband (3 reasons to trust him or not?)

It’s terrible to feel like you can’t trust the man you married, whether you don’t trust him to be faithful, take care of the kids, or be responsible with the money.

It just feels bad.

It means you don’t feel heard or seen because if he listened and really cared, then he would listen to your concerns and try to support you by doing the things you want him to do so you can trust him.

It’s also depressing because if you can’t get him to straighten up, then it seems hopeless that you’ll ever be able to trust him, especially if he keeps letting you down and reinforcing that he’s not worth your trust.

How will it ever improve?

Here are 3 ways to inspire him to be a reliable man.

1) Think of this crazy idea

What if, instead of asking him to do things so you can trust him, you turned the whole thing on its head by deciding to trust him first?

I know it sounds crazy, especially if you have proof that he’s not worth your trust. But another way to think of trust is something you decide to give.

What is counterintuitive yet fascinating about this is that people tend to live up to your expectations of them.

When you show that you believe in them, they feel the full weight of that responsibility and trust that you give them.

2) Let him drive

In the movie The Horse WhispererRobert Redford invites young Scarlett Johansson to drive, and she says she’s not old enough and can’t do it with her crippled leg.

There is plenty of evidence that she shouldn’t be trusted to drive the truck.

But he decides to trust her anyway, and a horrified Scarlett rises to the occasion, slams on the gas and starts the truck moving forward. It’s not pretty, but it works.

He then tells her to turn the truck onto a dirt road and she says she can’t, but she does.

Finally, he puts his hat over his eyes, saying that he’ll rest while she drives, which prompts her to say that she can’t again, but points out that she’s already driving, so that’s not the issue.

If he had invited her to drive with the expectation that she wouldn’t be able to, that she would hurt herself, injure him, or crash the truck, this outcome could have been very different.

When he decided to trust her, he also found reasons to believe she would be okay, like she was mature enough, wanted to succeed, and just needed some encouragement to do something new and scary.

What a gift to give her that, right? Anyone who has ever taught a teenager to drive knows how scary that is.

But Robert Redford was confident enough for both.

3) Try an experiment

What I like about the scene from The Horse Whisperer is the illustration that although we are often taught that trust is earned, trust is actually something you can decide to give.

You could decide to do the same thing with your husband and give him your trust.

This means don’t expect it to fail, but expect it to succeed.

What if you gathered not the evidence of what’s wrong with him, but the evidence of what’s right about him, even if that’s thin?

What would be possible for you if you tried this experiment? I’d love to hear in the comments.

By Laura Doyle

Hello! I’m Laura.

New York Times bestselling author

I was the perfect wife – until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and more orderly, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and almost divorced him. Then I started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I realized my miracle. The man who charmed me is back.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women practicing the Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to amazing, vibrant relationships. What I am most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John – who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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