Gift giving is a classic holiday stressor that never goes away. Trying to find personalized gifts for everyone on your list — gifts that say you care about them, gifts that remind you of a memorable time you spent together, gifts that will use, to say the least — no easy feat. However, there are a few rules of thumb that usually won’t sway you, including: Experiential gifts are always a good deal. If all else fails, write a heartfelt card. And, the rule of thumb: get a gift that makes the recipient, at least in some small way, feel special and loved.
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That’s the rule one husband broke this year, according to a post by his partner on Reddit. The contributor, or OP (Reddit-speak for the original poster), took to the Am I the Asshole website forum for a second opinion after realizing that his gifts this Christmas were, to say the least, underwhelming. At best, you could call them “household items,” at worst, tools for jobs. Pro tip: gifting your partner a vacuum cleaner they didn’t ask for is a surefire way to show that you see them as a servant and not much else!
So what exactly were the gifts and how did OP react when he found out about them? And of course, what did Reddit have to say about all this? (Spoiler: they don’t think OP is the jerk.) Read on for the full story.
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“A Cooler and a Costco Membership”
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“I found out that my Christmas presents are going to be a vacuum cleaner, pots and pans, a refrigerator, and a Costco membership,” OP begins, adding that they feel “hurt and angry” because they don’t think they’re appropriate Christmas presents. “It makes me feel like my only value is cooking, cleaning and running.”
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Ignoring other suggestions
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Not only the OP’s husband he bought gifts he wasn’t interested in for his partner, but he also didn’t listen when others—namely the couple’s children—tried to steer him in the right direction. “The kids knew these gifts were unexpected,” OP explains, but “they were told that what I was getting was ‘enough.’
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A “low effort and no thought” pattern.
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“I’m so upset I don’t know how to properly communicate that these gifts are low effort and thoughtless,” OP writes. Turns out, this isn’t the first time their husband has pulled this kind of stunt. “For what it’s worth, the only gift he gave me last year was a candle, which he promptly moved to his home office,” OP says. “Even my stocking was empty.”
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Now the upset of the husband
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When the OP told their husband how disappointed they were with the items as they were delivered, their husband “got upset and said he’d return everything, like I’m ignorant for only wanting one or two thoughtful gifts just for me.” OP was left hurt and confused, wondering if he’s the jerk who “isn’t grateful for what he gives me.”
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Reddit weighs in
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Reddit didn’t hesitate to assure the OP that their husband is the one in the wrong. “Your husband makes it clear that he thinks of you as a maid and not much more,” the caption read. “Gifts are supposed to be given out of love and affection and it’s clear that the only thing he knows about you is that you (probably) do most of the housework. You deserve better.” As a possibly “small” payback, the commenter told the OP to give their husband “a taste of his own medicine.” In other words, “Don’t stuff his stocking this year and give him a candle next you steal it. See if he still doesn’t understand the problem then.”
Other commenters piled on the idea. “I would go everywhere and add toothpaste and deodorant to the list. Maybe a shared bathroom trash can,” said one person. Another suggested the OP “take the candle off his desk and give it back.” (Okay, we laughed about that.)
Another Redditor stated that “household items as gifts only work as gifts if they’re asked for… or if the person actively likes what’s associated with them (eg I gave my dad a cake tin one year eg his likes baking).’ Otherwise, they said, it’s another way of saying that “the only thing you know about them is that they do business.”
“These are not gifts,” agreed another commenter, “…They are household items that would be needed regardless. Your husband is reckless and puts utility and convenience above you, throws away wrapping paper and expects you to be grateful. I’m sorry you’re married to someone so reckless.”
The OP is definitely not the jerk in this case, and we can only hope that this couple can have a long and honest discussion about what constitutes a “gift” in the future. Something the receiver really wants would be a good place to start.
