In the wake of the pandemic, our relationships have endured so many challenges. In California and San Diego, shelter orders often made it difficult for us to find time and space to be apart from each other and this may have caused more disruption to your relationships. Here’s a way to start rekindling the desire in your relationship.
Redefining your relationship:
When we are in long-term relationships, we often take refuge in the safety and security we feel within them. However, the difficulty you face most is learning how to redefine your relationship to rekindle the flame of desire.
Invitation to “I want”:
When we are in the early stages of our relationship, we are so excited to learn about the new person in front of us, but as time passes in the same relationship, the charm starts to wear off. I would explain this as the difference between having and wanting. When you want someone, there is often the knowledge that the “other” is distant and separate from us.
Adopting a sense of curiosity:
We often desire what we cannot have, and change often happens when we can invite curiosity and a sense of separateness into our perspective of the other. When we think we have our partner, we often don’t take the risk of asking about differences, as we perceive that risk to be the possibility of conflict with our partner, which, frankly, most people try to avoid. But if we saw our partner doing something they really enjoy doing, we’d probably find ourselves in love with our partner, with the spark on, wishing they could be whatever they’re working on—even replacing an inanimate object.
Jealousy Vs. Curiosity
It’s strange how we can feel jealous of an object, and another person or relationship doesn’t even have to exist in that space. When we see our partner come alive with whatever activity they are doing, we often want to be a part of it and engage with our partner in that space, as we often don’t get to see that part of our partner. Some may have even asked their partner, “Why doesn’t this part of you turn me on when you’re with me?” Well, it can be concluded that there is no dynamic in the relationship for each partner to be considered as an individual. The relationship is a shared space with each partner contributing to specific and chosen interactions.
We can have two people witness the same event (for example, an argument about the legs on the coffee table). However, if you asked them for their story based on their individual perspective, we might have two versions of the same experience.
“I’m learning how to rekindle the flame it’s like learning how to see your partner through a new lens and taking the opportunity to see them as different, exotic and unlike us.” -Nicky Nolet
We can learn about ourselves and our partners by asking about our partners’ experiences through their lens, even if we experienced the same event.
Play Invitation:
Sometimes the best way to invite play is to adopt a state of mind similar to the one we had at the beginning of our relationship when we were constantly in a state of wonder versus a state of knowing. We didn’t make assumptions or judgments so easily. We were curious and invited our partners to play in the space between us, possibly in the form of flirting or asking questions or admiring some quality of our partner that we might have noticed.
Couples who know how to invite themselves to see their partner with curiosity, grow, and invite each other to play (through flirting and communication) often report higher rates of satisfaction in their relationships.
Sometimes this can be implemented through learning a new way of communicating (couples therapists can help with this) approaching each other differently, giving each partner space to pursue their own hobby and then space to share with their partner, which will help have topics for discussion and provide the opportunity to see your partner as an ever-growing and expanding palette of play – and be curious to learn more.
Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust, and healthy communication in their relationships and offers online counseling focused on couples therapy and marriage counseling, individual therapy, premarital counseling, and intimacy and sexuality treatment in San Diego and throughout California. Book a free 15 minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!
