First, a disclaimer: A coach recently shared with me that she decided to become a coach even though she didn’t love her husband and thought she never would, because she just wanted to be kinder.
She believed that Relationship Coach Training would help her become gentle, which was her goal — not to fall in love with him. She was actually somewhat guarded by it.
She then spent a year as an expert in the 6 Intimacy Skills™, practicing them at the highest level with her classmates. She surprised herself and began to notice what a great man she had married decades ago.
She recently came on a coaching call to admit that despite her best efforts to leave him out of it, she was in love with her husband.
Well, as the pirate says in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, “Be warned enough, sez.”
If you don’t want to fall back in love with your spouse, do not, I repeat DO NOT practice the 6 Intimacy Skills with a supportive community and structure, or you will end up feeling excited and happy to be with your spouse.
You’ll end up with a romance instead of roommate and countryman in my experience, even if you never fell in love with your man to begin with.
You’ll feel sexy again.
It ‘s crazy! I know.
Let’s talk about how this happens, especially if you’re somewhat repulsed by your spouse right now. Or if you are just bored or feel so rejected and hurt by him now.
In this case, it may seem impossible and like I don’t know your husband, which is true.
I probably don’t, unless it’s one of the husbands I’ve interviewed on The Empowered Wife Podcast during the Man Panel Series. Even then, I know these husbands only very little.
But here’s what I know: my husband is not like me. The things that make me feel loved and in love are not the same as the things that make him feel loved and in love.
While they are completely different, they go together so well, like peanut butter and honey.
Let’s talk about the 3 ways you can be like the honey in your man’s peanut butter — and fall in love while you’re at it.
1) Being receptive
Giannis gets up early most weekends to put up the pop-up for me so I can have some shade between beach volleyball games. Then he returns home.
He could just be sleeping, but he likes to pop me up because he likes to get all those wife points. When I thank him, he beams because he knows he’s my hero.
I love this, and he loves it just as much. I take it kindly and we both feel good.
I have the key to this exchange and so many similar interactions because I am the one doing the downloading. Imagine if I didn’t get this. If I said, “I’m a strong, independent woman, so I’ll put the pop-up on my own while you stay here and sleep,” or even, “I don’t need a pop-up. Don’t worry about it. I have my visor.”
First of all, he couldn’t feel like my hero. He’d just be the guy who sleeps while his wife struggles to get the pop-up up herself.
That’s not as exciting or fun for him. And it’s definitely not that nice of a pigment-causing self to be in the sun between games.
Even worse, I would miss the part about feeling like a Disney princess. Lose-lose!
So I have to be willing to receive for this virtual cycle to happen. In the bad old days, I thought it was so great to always be independent and strong.
Now I love being codependent and sparks fly between us when I’m receptive to his power. She is quite sexy!
So being receptive is a way to fall in love again. It can be harder than it sounds because in order to be receptive, you also have to be willing to do the second thing…
2) Being vulnerable
It is very easy for John to raise the pop-up because he is taller and stronger. I put it on once, and I hate to admit it, but I struggled!
So in this case, there’s a physical vulnerability that contributes to this dance that we do where he offers me shade.
Sometimes I have an emotional vulnerability or just don’t feel like doing some grown-up stuff like figuring out how much to put into my individual retirement account or how to put end cards in my YouTube videos.
These days I lean into it instead of trying to suck it up and be independent when I just don’t feel like it.
It’s always a little uncomfortable to be vulnerable. But it’s the vulnerability that creates the fascination that leads to lifelong commitment. I just love this.
So I’ll say it again: This vulnerability in needing his help creates a fascination for both of us. This led to the lifelong commitment we have now: mutual attraction.
In other words, choosing vulnerability helps you fall back in love with your spouse.
This leads to part 3 of how to fall back in love with your husband…
3) Be your best self
What does that even mean?! Let’s note a few ways you can tell if you’re being your best self.
One is that you wear a smile instead of a frowny face. You find ways to amuse yourself with frivolous fun, of course, but you also don’t suffer unnecessary emotional turmoil or try to punish him.
You’re happy, which is attractive, which makes you exude confidence, which is where flirting comes from.
It’s like an ad that said, “You flirt not because you look good, but because you do.” Isn’t that so true?
When you feel good, your mojo comes before you.
This reminds everyone, including yourself, that you are an irresistible magnet and that it is your birthright to be adored, wanted and cared for.
And I don’t give up until you get your birthright for a marriage that not only survives, but thrives, because you realize that even though you’re defensive, desperate, or scared, you’ve fallen back in love with your man.
What is one action you can take today to fall back in love with your person? You might even be surprised, as this trainer did.
By Laura Doyle
