In a Wall Street Journal article, columnist Elizabeth Bernstein writes about the challenge of marriage between an ardent planner and a partner who prefers to be spontaneous. Maybe you’ve met people at such a wedding — or maybe you’re one of them. In my work with couples, I’ve heard many planners call their spouse passive-aggressive, or the spontaneous refer to their spouse as manic. No matter the differences, marriage conflict is inevitable!
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Opposites attract. Unfortunately, after the proverbial honeymoon is over, we can begin to indulge in a human tendency to judge our spouse for not working our way. The truth is that everyone’s behavior has pros and cons, gifts and pitfalls, and we have a lot to learn from each other if we want to.
Relationship Conflicts: Successful Relationships Price Differences
The real challenge in relationships is not the differences between spouses but how we react to those differences.
Whether we see our differences as a thorn in our side or an opportunity to grow determines whether a couple will learn to value each other, their relationship, and their closeness more than their differences.
Are you a designer? You probably have excellent planning and time management skills, and you are probably goal oriented. You’re usually a go-getter and know how to make things happen—and you’re always on time. Also, similarly, you may not be as good at relaxing and adapting to change or the unexpected.
Or do you prefer to “wing it”? You’re probably great at it being, going with the flow and seizing opportunities. You can be adventurous, open to new experiences and have a lot of fun and adventure. However, sticking to a schedule and getting things done—that’s another matter.
Now, developers, tell the truth: weren’t you attracted to your partner’s spontaneity? Risk taking? Feeling adventurous? And lovers of adventure and spontaneity: didn’t you admire your partner for being organized and able to achieve so many things? Oh, and how you love planning and organizing travel logistics!
So what happened?
Often, couples look to each other to fill the gaps within themselves and then try to lean on each other instead of standing securely in their individuality. Then we may begin to resent the very things that drew us to each other in the first place—because they are different from the way we do things.
For example, a make-it-and-go-with-the-flow person may rely heavily on the scheduler to make things happen in their social life and then feel claustrophobic and restricted by a set or very hectic schedule. And the planner may find his partner’s refusal to think ahead terribly uncomfortable.
Related reading: Relationship Rescue: Turn Complaints into Closeness.
Relationship Conflict: Don’t fall into the trap of making your partner wrong
So we can fall into the trap of using our differences as a way to make our partner wrong, which only causes friction, distance, and eternal conflict that wears couples down. We fight against our partner’s differences and judge them.
But wait—isn’t this the perfect situation to share our unique qualities and gifts?
What we want to create is a thriving relationship in which each of us is motivated by our differences to become better. We can use our differences as a springboard to balance our perceptions of the world, develop skills that may not be developed, and make our life together a fun adventure.
Deep dive: “Interruption, decline, and the role of successful communication in relationships.”
How to make a relationship work even with differences
TIP 1: Be curious.
Often, when we wonder about our partner’s behavior and what they value, it can quickly turn frustration into understanding. For example, if your partner is a planner, find out why having a plan is so important to him. And if you’re spontaneous, find ways to maintain spontaneity while planning ahead where it matters most to your partner.
TIP 2: Remember specific ways your partner’s trait helps strengthen your relationship.
By briefly focusing your attention on the gift of their quality (rather than the disappointment), it helps to shift negative feelings to appreciation. Once we regain our perspective, we begin to recognize that they Really we are not trying to make our life difficult! In fact, their view of the world opens up a new perspective for us!
TIP 3: Make time for quality companionship.
With schedules too full, we can find ourselves relaying only the logistics or details necessary to make life work. The differences are magnified and more testing when our lives are stressed. If you find yourself moaning about your partner, chances are you haven’t been having a good time together recently. Set aside regular fun or relaxation time as a couple. Find activities you both enjoy. Invest in the relationship by doing more things that create more closeness.
Pay attention to what you love in your partner!
And this can be the recipe for living happily ever after!
To improve your relationship, consider couples counseling or premarital counseling to ensure you have the skills for a long and healthy marriage.
