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When you’re stuck in a dry spell in a relationship, it can feel hopeless. But spells aren’t permanent – they can be broken, revealing better sex and more intimacy than ever before. You just have to know what’s going on and how to do it.
What is the spell in a relationship?
A dry spell in a relationship usually refers to a lack of sex or a decrease in sex between partners. Despite what the phrase implies, it is not a specific the time that passes between sexual encounters. In contrast, a dry spell is usually about what your sex life was like in the past and how it is now (or how you’d like it to be right now).
This means that one couple may feel like having sex once a week is a dry spell, while another may feel the same when it’s been months or years since their last relationship.
A dry spell is subjective – and sometimes, it even means different things in the same relationship. For partners with more desire, it may feel like you end up with frequent dry spells, while a partner with less desire may feel like everything is fine even when weeks go by without sex
How common are dry spells?
While it’s easy to feel like you and your partner are the odd ones out (because people don’t generally shout it from the rooftops when they’re in a sexless relationship) – dry spells are all too common.
In fact, you’re bound to run into one from time to time in a long-term relationship. Especially when life gets hectic and sex falls down your priority list!
This is because our sex drive is not constant (even though the term suggests it is).
Desire is more like a complicated emotion, but when we see it as a basic biological urge, it makes it much harder to get out of a dry spell. Because if low or no desire is considered abnormal – of course it will make you worry that something is wrong with you, your partner or your relationship. When actually – this may not be true.
Why do dry spells happen?
Spells occur for many different reasons. Sometimes it has to do with deep-rooted relationship issues like resentment, anger and conflict. If you and your partner are constantly fighting over who takes out the trash the most or who needs to pick up the kids, you probably don’t have an itch.
If you have been struggling with libido mismatch for a long time – this can also easily turn into a dry spell. When the mere idea of sex sends a partner running in the opposite direction, it can be difficult to break the negative pattern – so avoiding sex at all costs becomes the new normal.
Other times dry spells have less to do with relationship challenges and more to do with not prioritizing sex.
Because whether you have a lot going on at work or your hobbies take up most of your free time – it’s easy for everything else in life to take priority over intimacy.
Most couples I speak to as sex therapists and coaches tell me that their dryness began fairly undramatically. Maybe it started with a tumultuous time at work or a sick in-law. Maybe they were both okay with taking sex off the table for a while. But over time it became harder to return to sex – and a dry spell became their status quo.
What does it mean if you and your partner are in the middle of one?
While it may be tempting to analyze what a dry spell means, the truth is that it doesn’t have to mean much at all. Because the truth about sex after marriage (or long time together), is that it often takes some kind of effort to keep it happening.
Contrary to what the movies (or even the media) might lead us to believe about sex – it’s not always easy, simple and rich. Not even if we are in a compatible relationship.
This doesn’t mean you have to give up on a sexless life. It just means that reading the meaning of a dry spell can cause more problems than it solves your dryness.
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How to get out of a drought in a relationship
Whether it’s been 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years – there’s a lot you can do to break a dry spell.
Consider what happened
When we’re stuck in a rut, we often want to take action right away to change things. While this doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it can sometimes lead to unnecessary frustration. Because when you don’t know why you ended up in dry weather, you risk choosing a solution that doesn’t solve the problem.
For example, say you and your partner have stopped having sex because one of you doesn’t want sex as often while the other does. In this case, scheduling a sex date could potentially exacerbate the problem, creating more pressure and stress around sex for the low-desire partner.
But if you and your partner feel like best friends and not lovers anymore – maybe the best solution is to remove the band.
Getting out of a dry spell in a relationship is all about figuring out why you’re there in the first place and then taking a step forward. That’s how you start having sex again – sex that’s nice, right, and wanted.
Talk about it with your partner
If you’re unhappy with the state of your relationship and sex life, you probably need to talk about it.
I know, I know, it’s obvious, yet it’s also one of those things that most people avoid. Because talking about sex (especially when you’re not having it) makes you uncomfortable.
It gets awkward easily, and who wants to be awkward, right?
But talking about your spell will help you approach it as a group. And at the end of the day, your sex life is a joint activity, which means you both have to be involved in some way. Talking about the dry spell and how you both feel about it will help you get past the blocks and build more intimacy again.
It will also reveal whether you both want to have more sex. Because if you’re going to work on it, you both need to be clear about the intended goal.
To have a productive conversation about a dry spell in a relationship, there are a few key things to keep in mind:
- Don’t bring up your spell while you’re already arguing about something else. This is sometimes easier said than done, but it will likely backfire, putting both of you on the defensive and ensuring that sex doesn’t happen for a long time. Try to bring it up when things are good or neutral at worst in your relationship.
- Share how you feel about the situation without putting all the blame on your partner. At the end of the day you are both responsible for the dynamic that has been created between you. Acknowledging this when talking about your spell will create a more constructive dialogue – leading to solutions.
- No need to reinvent the wheel! Use the help of an article like this to explore ways to jump start your sex life.
Tear up the bandit
Sometimes the spells get so big on our minds that it feels almost impossible to muster up to have sex again. If this sounds like you, you might find it helpful to “cut the strip” by simply scheduling sex.
Sure, it might not sound like the sexiest idea you could imagine, but there’s some relief in knowing that once you’ve had it, it won’t feel so scary to have it again.
This, however, is usually not something I recommend if one party (or both) is feeling a huge amount of pressure around sex. If you know you’re going to be sleeping together at 8.30 on a Saturday night it fills you with dread – it’s usually a good sign that you need another approach. like i’m taking it slow.
Slowly
You wouldn’t run a marathon if you hadn’t gone for a run in a year – and the same can be said for sex. If you haven’t been intimate in years, going “all the way” can feel like too, too soon.
If this sounds like you, breaking a dry spell in your relationship will depend on taking small steps toward sex. For example, you and your partner could decide to make a more conscious effort to share a long kiss every day.
Not because it has to lead to sex, but because it will start to create an intimacy that feels natural again.
Once you get used to kissing, you may want to move on to making out or even petting. What seems like a slow build towards intercourse is the goal here.
It is not impossible to master a spell
When you’re stuck in a dry spell in a relationship, it can feel like it will never end. As if there is something seriously wrong with your relationship (or you). But chances are there’s nothing wrong – and there’s a lot you can do to change that if you want to.
In my 9-month online course created by sex therapist Re:Desire, I help you have more and better sex. In it, you take big steps towards sex so you can enjoy sex again stress-free, shame-free, guilt-free. Forget new sex positions or years of therapy. Anxiety-free intimacy is about accessing your own desire. Because it’s still there hidden somewhere – drought be damned.
If you want to take it back – you can.
