How to fix a broken relationship – 5 steps
Step #1: Understand the Attachment
The first step is to understand attachment. If you have children, you’ve probably learned about attachment. Attachment theory says that if you meet your child’s needs sensitively and consistently, he will develop a sense of trust that the world is a safe place. And vice versa. If you don’t meet your child’s needs sensitively and consistently, it will lead to a feeling of mistrust where the world is not a safe place. Each of us has a different level of attachment growing up. Some of them have secure attachments because we had a caregiver who lovingly tuned into our signals and responded to our needs. However, others of us have insecure attachments because we had a caregiver who didn’t tune in to our signals and didn’t meet our needs.
Step #2: Understand the impact of attachment on marriage
We all enter marriage with different attachment styles. If you had a secure attachment growing up, then you will enter marriage with a high level of trust, which makes you comfortable with closeness and you will assume the best of your partner. If you had an insecure attachment growing up, then you will enter marriage with a low level of trust, which makes you uncomfortable with closeness and you will assume the worst in your partner. Therefore, each partner has a different starting point of trust with which they enter into marriage.
Step #3: Understand how marriage affects attachment
How you experience your marriage partner will make your trust rise or fall, regardless of the attachment style you had growing up. For example, Partner A enters into a marriage with low trust because he had an insecure attachment growing up. However, they marry someone who lovingly attunes their signals and meets their needs, and over the years they become more comfortable with closeness and their trust grows. The opposite may also be true. Partner B enters marriage with great confidence because they had a secure attachment growing up. However, they marry someone who ignores their cues and doesn’t meet their needs, and over the years they become uncomfortable with closeness and their trust diminishes. Therefore, how you interact with your partner will greatly influence how much they develop trust and attachment to you, regardless of their background.
Step #4: Heal Resentment
Step #5: Respond to offers
In marriage, we give offerings to satisfy our needs. Perhaps one of your needs is emotional closeness, so you make an offer by asking your partner if you could have some quality conversation. Or, maybe one of your needs is sexual intimacy, so you make an offer by asking your partner if he’d like to be freaked out. Or, maybe one of your needs is to feel appreciated, so you offer to ask your partner if they’ve noticed all the hard work you’ve been doing around the house. When you make offers, you hope your partner responds sensitively and consistently. If they do, it creates a sense of trust and secure attachment because your needs are being met. Do you see the similarity between childhood and marriage with attachment? In both stages of life, if your needs are met sensitively and consistently, then trust and attachment increase. Similarly, if your needs are not met sensitively and consistently, then trust and attachment decrease. So, if you’re wondering how to fix a broken relationship, one of the best things you can do is start responding positively to your partner’s offers. Do you know what your partner’s offers are? Do you know what needs their offers come from? Are you paying attention to their offers? Do you respond sensitively and consistently to their offers? Also, remember to match your partner’s offers in a way that works for you too. For example, if your partner makes an offer for sex and you’re not ready, you could respond with “how about a check and tomorrow morning we can have sex instead” or “I’m not open for sex tonight , but I’d be willing to give and receive oral sex.” You never want to respond to your partner’s offers in a way that makes you suffer or is unsustainable and could create resentment. So always think about how respond to their offers in a way that works for you too.
conclusion
In summary, if you are wondering how to fix a broken relationship, you need to understand attachment theory, how everyone marries with different attachment styles, how marriage can make your attachment style more or less secure, practice the Reunion Tool to heal resentments, then practice responding to your partner’s offers sensitively and consistently in a way that works for you, too.
Further reading:
What else would you recommend to couples wondering how to fix a broken relationship?
