How to fall in love again – 4 top ways
Step #1: Work through your grievances
The first thing to do if you’re wondering how to fall in love again is to work through your resentments. You can’t push past resentments and expect to have a good relationship. See resentments as clogs in your pipe. If you are trying to fill your partner’s love bucket, there will not be enough water pressure because there is a blockage in your pipe. Chokama is called indignation. Resentment can be about things your partner has done, or things they haven’t done, but you’ve always wanted them to. The resentment can be from last week or from 20 years ago. I had a couple call me recently for help with dissatisfaction over an issue that happened almost 45 years ago. The issue continued to cripple their relationship because it was never properly addressed. So grudges should be the first focus to improve your relationship. What are all the areas of dissatisfaction you have with your partner? Write them on a piece of paper. Then use my Reconnecting Marriage Conflict Resolution Tool to work through it. The reunion tool provides a constructive method for dealing with past resentments and future grievances. If you are unable to use the unescalated reunification tool, contact a local marriage counselor to help you use it. Think of marriage as a plant. Before you can grow a plant, you must first dig the rocks into the ground. Grudges are rocks in your marital terrain. If you plant seeds in poor soil, the plant will not grow. You must first remove the rocks and then plant the seeds.
Step #2: Start building your friendship
After grievances have been resolved, it’s time to start building your friendship. It’s hard to befriend someone you resent, so resolving resentment always comes first. To rebuild your friendship, you need to increase your quality time together. Check out my article here on marriage and dating. I recommend trying for two mini dates a week for up to two hours each time. If that sounds like a lot of time, check your phone to see what your average daily screen time is. You probably spend that amount of time or more surfing the Internet every day. Instead, give that time to your marriage! During your mini-dates do something fun together, like a board game, a hike, a bike ride, an online cooking class together, dancing, learning a foreign language, a virtual city tour, etc. Then, make sure you shower each other with lots of affection during your mini-dates. Also, ask your partner what kind of affection they enjoy most instead of assuming you know. Then cultivate emotional intimacy during your mini-dates by using the head/heart check where you ask your partner “what’s been going on in your head and heart?” The head is everything you did during the day and the heart is everything you felt during the day and why. So did you feel mad, sad, happy or scared and why? If you’re not sure about your feelings, take a few minutes to think about them before checking your head/heart so you have something to share. Emotional intimacy is cultivated not only by hearing about your partner’s inner world but also by sharing yours. During the head/heart check, don’t offer any advice unless your partner asks for it, and instead respond with empathy, such as “that sounds horrible” or “wow, no wonder you feel that way.” Also, don’t bring negative comments about your partner during the head/heart check. Only report negative issues about your partner using the reunion tool mentioned earlier. Building your friendship won’t happen by accident. You have to do it on purpose with your four mini-dates.
Step #3: Add sensual activity
The third thing to do if you’re wondering how to fall in love again is to add sensual activity to your mini dates. It’s hard to have sensual activity first with someone you’re not friends with. Sensual activity can be a variety of things, such as cuddling, showering or bathing together, or a sensual massage. Sensual activity is a vital ingredient in feeling connected to your partner and is often lacking in marriages. There are some tips to make your sensual activity successful. For a bath, shower or sensual massage, take turns receiving and giving a gentle non-sexual wash or massage. Some of us focus so much on giving that we forget to receive and some of us focus so much on receiving that we forget to give. Also, maximize your five senses during activity by optimizing what you see (light level), what you hear (type of music), what you taste (like dark chocolate), what you touch (like light tickling, gentle massage or kisses ) and what you smell (candle scent). Maximizing your five senses during sensual activity increases pleasure for both partners and creates a relaxing oasis together.
Step #4: Add intercourse
Sex is usually the first thing you get into a relationship when things are going well, and the first thing you leave a relationship when things aren’t going well. So adding intercourse comes last because it often doesn’t feel right, especially for low-libido partners, until after you’ve worked out your grievances, established your friendship, and are having regular sensual activity together. So, after sensual activity, when both of you are aroused or ready to be aroused, you can proceed to intercourse. However, remember to approach intercourse as a buffet where you have many things to choose from. Some nights you can stand out and enjoy each other above the waist. Other nights you can do everything below the waist only by hand or by mouth. Other nights you can do everything plus have sex. The goal is to restore voice and choice to the partner with a lower libido so it doesn’t feel like intercourse or anything. When this happens, many partners with a lower libido will choose nothing. In this way, the low-libido partner provides full consent and presence, and the high-libido partner receives more frequent intercourse.
summarizing, there are four steps to follow if you’re wondering how to fall in love again. Number one, you need to address your grievances using the reunion tool. The second is that you should rebuild your friendship by setting up two mini-dates a week. Number three adds sensual activity to your mini dates. And number four adds intercourse to sensual activity with voice and choice being the focus.
Check out the articles below to learn more.
Learn the top reasons why couples fall out of love
Learn the top ways to turn around a loveless marriage
Find out how long it takes to fall in love and fall in love again
Learn how to get more quality love language
Get my FREE PDF on 4 Steps to Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What else would you recommend to those wondering how to fall in love again?
