There is no easy answer, especially when you are plagued by misery and the conflicting mindset that comes with it. Are you still living in an unhappy marriage vs. divorce? Rushing to hire a divorce lawyer to stop the slow bleeding? Where is the positive in each option?
Knowing that you are not the first to struggle with this dilemma probably offers little to no comfort.
You can also have malignancy recently statistics that reveal a growing dissatisfaction with marriage.
If misery loves company, then you could throw a party with a long guest list.
According to the aforementioned poll, six out of ten couples claim to be unhappy. Forty percent admit they have thought about leaving their partners. And 10% don’t even trust their partners.
Ouch!
So either there’s something in the water, or the institution of marriage needs some serious revamping – from within and abroad.
Or…maybe “it’s all about how you look at it”…and how researchers structure their studies and ask their questions.
Some researchers would say, “Not so fast! It still exists no convincing evidence to disprove the relationship between marriage and happiness.”
Regardless of which line of reasoning you espouse, one thing is certain: The decision “Unhappy Marriage vs. Divorce” it is not an easy or simple process.
Marriage is different for everyone.
Living and staying in marriage is different for everyone.
Getting out of marriage is different for everyone.
And all of these personal experiences of marriage will influence how you decide whether it’s best for you to call it quits or quit.
How does your experience of “marriage” affect your happiness and/or unhappiness? And how might it affect the choice of unhappy marriage versus divorce?
For one thing, it’s no secret that love has its stages. Knowing this cognitively and aware these are not necessarily the same.
Damn it married is the easy part. The fun part. Say yes to the ring, then say yes to the dress.
It is easy, if not entirely natural, to dream and imagine this hopeful threshold into life’s possibilities.
Beyond the wedding itself, however, there is the preparation Marriage. And, let’s be real here: One is much more exciting than the other.
Be honest with yourself. How many hours did you and your spouse spend planning your wedding guest list, venue, reception, attire, honeymoon?
And how many hours did you spend attending premarital counseling?
Exactly.
And this enlightenment seems to be especially powerful during the early years when divorce is most vulnerable.
What is the payoff from this premarital phase in terms of the “unhappy marriage vs. divorce” decision?
Many of the problems that break during marriage planted before marriage in the form of unrealistic expectations and poor communication skills.
How much of your dating and engagement happiness was tied to the belief that someone else could “make you happy”? And how much of your current unhappiness is connected to the realization that this is not true?
Communication issues, which are inevitably at the heart of relationship problems, also have their roots in early seeding.
What did you both learn about communication (and relationships) from modeling your individual families of origin? How did your parents express love? Share feelings? Conflict resolution?
And, more importantly, how did you absorb these communication styles (and beliefs) into your own psyche and behavior?
What about your husband?
And what about the ways you both brought your isolated upbringings and expectations to the same altar?
These are important questions to explore when considering staying in an unhappy marriage versus divorce.
Have I really examined what I have brought to this marriage in the way of unrealistic expectations and potentially unhealthy communication?
How does your experience of “living and staying married” affect your decision to stay or leave?
Believe it or not, misery in marriage does not necessarily mean unhappiness due to Marriage.
And when husbands ponder, Why stay in an unhappy marriage? there are actually reasons that do not necessarily involve marital torture.
Finances, children, religious rules and beliefs, health and care, age, convenience, companionship, alternative lifestyles, patterns of persistence. There may be as many reasons to stay as there are reasons to leave.
But the possibility of turning from unhappiness to happiness lies, at least in part, in your belief in what sustains you in marriage.
And, if you believe in the virtues of “seeing it through,” then you (and your spouse) should be fearlessly honest about your marriage.
You should also be fearlessly honest about your personal roles in your marriage and your responsibilities to improve their performance.
How did we get here? And where do we want (and think we can) go?
Have we done all we can to learn, to improve, to forgive?
What have we been avoiding that isn’t going to go away just because we’re breaking up?
And you were willing reach out for help? Or do you look at your marriage as something that should go smoothly because you once said “I do”?
When it comes to “getting out of the marriage,” there is a flood of considerations, some emotional, some practical, all consequential.
If your unhappiness is a byproduct of living in an abusive marriage or with an active addict, your decision may be a matter of life and death.
In situations where you or others in your home are in any kind of danger – physical, emotional, sexual – prudence may lead you to leave.
At the very least, ensuring physical separation may be imperative. This could be a prelude to divorce or a place from which you can safely work on your marriage.
If the decision to divorce isn’t so “obvious,” you’ll have a long list of pragmatics and emotions to work through.
Can I afford a divorce? Will this be better or worse for the children? Do we still love and respect each other? Will the next relationship (if any) be better?
Are there alternatives to divorce? Are “unhappy marriage vs. divorce” our only options? What about the breakup? Or living married but apart? Or separated but together?
In the long run, your decision to stay in an unhappy marriage or divorce is up to you and your spouse.
Your first step to happiness lies within you.
Will you choose the end result of tiredness and feelings of hopelessness?
Or will you risk a guided exploration of your own expectations of marriage and happiness and accept the empowerment to renew them both?
Whatever you choose now, happiness will always be an inside job.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
