Today, I will discuss how to compromise in a relationship. Compromise is of great importance and often proves to be a major challenge for couples. In this article, I will explore the appropriate conditions compromise, as well as how to effectively participate in it.
5 steps to compromise in your relationship
Number one: Understand the concept of compromise.
First, let’s define what constitutes a compromise. By definition, a compromise occurs when both partners give up on achieving their desired outcomes. If a partner achieves 100% of his desires, it cannot be considered a compromise. Thus, we can understand a compromise as a situation where neither partner achieves the full fulfillment of their desires, indicating that both have shifted their original positions to some extent to meet halfway. This serves as a reliable indication that a compromise has been reached.
Number two: Identify the challenges that prevent compromise.
The answer to this question is multifaceted, as there are numerous factors that can hinder the ability to compromise. For example, people who grew up as only children never had to share or take turns growing up. As a result, they may find it difficult to share power and compromise in marriage because they are used to having things their own way.
Another example is children who had considerable freedom and flexibility during childhood. They were allowed to come and go as they pleased and make their own decisions. As a result, they may find it difficult to share power and compromise in marriage because they are used to doing things their own way.
My wife was an only child and I was raised by an indulgent parent, so we have both struggled with sharing power and compromise in our marriage. To what extent has your upbringing affected your ability to share power and cooperate with your partner?
Also, if you grew up in a strict household where following orders was the norm, you may find yourself giving power too easily in your relationship, as your voice and individuality were suppressed during your formative years. This shows yet another way in which our upbringing can shape our tendencies and influence our ability to compromise.
Number three: Recognize the negative consequences of not compromising.
When one or both partners feel voiceless, it often leads to harsher conflicts and less sex. This correlation is understandable because the negative feelings stemming from the lack of influence in the relationship can create a hostile atmosphere towards one’s partner. Of course, as humans, we all desire to have a voice, autonomy, and the ability to influence our environment, relationships, and partners. When that voice feels suppressed or ignored, we suffer. Our well-being is at risk and we may experience a sense of stagnation and loss of self. Consequently, these unresolved feelings manifest in explosive conflicts and a decrease in intimacy. None of us want to feel voiceless. Instead, we long for relationships where our thoughts and opinions matter, where we are truly heard, and where our influence on our partner is felt.
Both my wife and I have faced this issue in different aspects of our marriage. There were times when she displayed strong willed behavior and was unwilling to compromise and I remember how weak I felt on the other side of her. Likewise, there were times when I too resisted giving in and pursued my own desires regardless of her opinions and feelings. We are both guilty of a lack of compromise and it has been an important area of personal growth for us. It’s an easy trap to fall into. However, through deliberate effort and commitment to improvement, my wife and I have worked on this aspect of our relationship and have made remarkable progress. Now we use the phrase, “I don’t feel like we’re sharing power,” when either of us starts to feel voiceless.
Number four: Determine when it is appropriate to compromise.
Compromise is necessary whenever a decision has the potential to affect your relationship. This includes a wide range of choices, ranging from parenting approaches, dinner choices, household temperature preferences, frequency of intimacy, financial considerations, and countless other micro and macro decisions that arise in a long-term relationship. Almost all of these decisions have some form of impact on both partners. Therefore, the answer to the question of when it is acceptable to compromise is quite simple: it is not only acceptable, but highly recommended to compromise on any decision that affects both you and your partner.
There may be some areas in your relationship where you really don’t have a strong preference for a particular decision. In such cases, it is acceptable to defer to your partner’s judgment, as long as you do not suppress your true feelings or desires. Likewise, it is important that your partner reciprocates by deferring to your opinion in other areas. The ultimate goal is for both partners to feel a sense of equality and influence within the relationship. It’s important that you both go to bed each night knowing that you have an equal voice, that you can influence your partner, and that your opinions count.
Number five: Embrace effective strategies for compromise.
I have developed a tool called “Bounce the Ball” to facilitate this process. Let’s draw an analogy from sports. In sports, nobody likes a ball pig. A ball hog is someone who dribbles down the court without passing and makes every shot. This behavior is frowned upon because it does not show teamwork. This is why many coaches enforce rules that require the ball to be passed multiple times before a shot is taken. Likewise, in your marriage, you become a fan if you solely announce your decision without considering your partner’s input. It’s important to ask your partner questions like “What do you think?” “What are your thoughts?” or “How do you feel about that?” invite them into the discussion and foster a sense of teamwork. Remember, you are a couple, a unit and a team.
Now, let’s explore the “Bounce the Ball” approach. Partner A will express his opinion on a topic and share the values behind his opinion. They then figuratively bounce the ball to their partner asking, “What do you think?” Partner B then follows the same process. They share their opinion, articulate their underlying values, and bounce the ball around by asking their partner, “What do you think?” Now, Partner A must adjust his initial position by a few degrees to Partner B and offer a compromise. Then they bounce the ball back, saying, “What do you think?” Partner B mirrors this process by adjusting his initial stance by a few degrees, proposing a compromise, and bouncing the ball with the same question: “What do you think?” This marks the beginning of the negotiation process.
Because the ball continues to go back and forth, both partners have the opportunity to accept the compromise if they feel comfortable with it or offer a counterproposal that comes a little closer to their partner’s position. If both partners have a flexible mindset, a willingness to learn, and a commitment to being team players with equal voices, the “Bounce the Ball” method can be effective. Remember, compromise happens when neither partner gets exactly what they originally wanted.
In summary, consider these five steps when wondering how to compromise in a relationship.
1. Understand the concept of compromise.
2. Identify the challenges that prevent compromise.
3. Recognize the negative effects of lack of compromise.
4. Determine when it is appropriate to compromise.
5. Embrace effective strategies for compromise.
By following these steps, you can navigate the path of compromise in your relationship and cultivate a cooperative and harmonious partnership.
For further reading see below.
Wedding teamwork
Partnership in Marriage
Get my FREE PDF on 4 Steps to Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What else would you recommend on how to compromise in a relationship?
