Mention “stubborn husband” to anyone familiar with black and white television and Archie Bunker will probably come to mind. Famous, hard-nosed, grumpy, sarcastic – stubbornness may actually have been one of his least offensive traits! If you are a woman wondering how to contact her yours stubborn wife, you might get some helpful advice from edith. But you will probably find some better ones here….
If “Grrr” is the gut expression that fills the word bubble above your head when dealing with your stubborn man, the following may surprise you.
Subjects given testosterone gel made wrong choices more impulsively, took longer to make correct choices, and rarely checked their work compared to the placebo group.
No, it doesn’t justify anything. But it may shed some “behavioural light” on a known trend.
Understand gender differences in communication.
We could focus on this one topic for days. We wouldn’t change reality or be any less admirable about it, but we might come up with efficient ways of navigating it.
Deborah Tannen’s groundbreaking 1990 book You just don’t understand spoke like a fly on the wall in communication between men and women.
The crux of her thesis was (and may always be) the “different world of words” in which men and women live.
Whatever catch phrase you use – Mars-Venus, doesn’t-ask-for-directions, doesn’t-get-it – the reality is this The reality of gender is different.
Again, no plausibility is an excuse for disrespect, meanness, control or abuse of any kind. But reducing resistance to “it is what it is” can open the door mutual understanding and mutual benefits.
Define your conversation strategy.
Contact to Any Context always benefits from sensitivity to factors such as time, environment, body language, personal responsibility, and emotional readiness.
Dealing with a persistent partner makes these factors especially important. You are trying to reach someone who is resilient and, as insensitive as it may seem, is actually “hypersensitive”.
Think about what makes your spouse calm, relaxed, less “helpful” and reserved.
There is, for example, much truth in “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” A conversation after Dinner can have very different results than a conversation before dinner.
Prepare a space and time free from phones, TVs and children.
And pay close attention to the next point….
Tackle small sections at a time.
Learning how to communicate with your stubborn spouse is, in large part, learning how to pick your battles.
At the very least, it is to learn to break down the issues that concern us into smaller, focused “Bits” that are digested without causing major problems.
As a woman, you are naturally gifted in your ability to multi-task, multi-think, multi-communicate.
your husband;
Not so much.
It’s not about one way being better than the other. These are two natural moments different – and complementary.
Men tend to be lonely. Just the facts/fax, ma’am. Throw them into a conversation that is about or involves emotions, and you might as well throw their brains into a centrifuge.
Remember your end game. What are you trying to achieve – right now, in this conversation – when you communicate with your stubborn husband?
In case of doubt, roll it in.
Validate him.
I know, I know. It’s like you’re the one doing all the work.
You have to make all the adjustments to what your spouse can’t or won’t do, and stubbornness is a crazy barrier to intimacy.
But listen to me.
Relationships are not about competition. You are not going to lose a piece of your soul if you validate and uplift the other person.
It can touch that way if you don’t get what you need. But learning effective techniques for dealing with stubbornness can help you change that.
Remember that men need to feel validated. They may not feel the same way women do, but their deepest needs aren’t really that different from yours.
If you have to, go back to what you fell in love with in the first place.
You felt safe with him because of the way he stood up for his beliefs – and you?
Did you feel optimistic and secure about your future because of his focus and determination at work?
Did you admire his ability to do whatever was necessary to achieve a goal?
Don’t lose your eyes gifts which are sometimes expressed through his stubbornness and the need to always be right.
Validate what applies to you. And put it in a concise way that conveys to him exactly what you value in the context of that particular subject.
Resist the temptation to tell him he’s wrong.
Nothing will get in the way of communication like telling a stubborn person that they are “wrong”.
No one likes to hear words like “wrong” when sharing a feeling, opinion, memory or idea. That one careless word will shoot like a bullet through all the best intentions.
It reeks of entitlement, self-righteousness, control, disrespect and belittling.
And yes, temptation can be compounded by a stubborn person who has no problem telling you that you it’s wrong.
Remember that you are working through a “persistent pattern” of communication. The process will not be without frustration or hiccups.
But here is where you can bring yours gifts of emotional intelligence, nuance of understanding and a capacity for finesse in wording at the table.
Chances are, you’re not trying to prove him wrong – or yourself ‘right’. You really want your thoughts, feelings, needs and ideas to be heard and treated with the same value and respect as his.
Keep calm.
Let’s acknowledge the obvious: Trying to communicate with someone who is stubborn and always thinks they’re right can be crazy. It’s definitely exhausting.
But nothing will be a challenge – and a license to “raise the stubbornness before” – like losing your temper.
Take deep breaths. Stay in the moment. Keep your goals small, focused and concise.
And remember that part of self-care is not letting someone else steal your peace.
Try to find value in his point of view…and ask him to respect yours.
Assuming love, respect, and commitment are the cornerstones of your marriage, the communication challenges you face are likely to be felt by each of you. heard.
They are also likely to feel safe and confident that your needs can be met.
Listen deeply, carefully, unguardedly. Hear between the lines for messages he may just not say the same way you would.
Perhaps your husband’s stubbornness is rooted, in part, in a sense of heavy responsibility to provide for his family so you can pursue a personal passion.
Perhaps he is afraid of having a “weak” image among his colleagues and does not know how to separate his work life from his home life.
Whatever opinions lie behind his stubbornness, hear what you can appreciate and validate.
Showing that measured, self-controlled willingness to be open to his way of thinking will give you the platform to ask him the same.
Intimacy is created when you can both patiently, lovingly, even sacrificially find within your differences the seed of unity that sustains your shared vision.
