Vulnerability is scary, which is why it’s so hard to convince yourself to be vulnerable. Every instinct in your body screams, “Don’t do it! It is not safe! It will be used against you!” And yet, learning how to be vulnerable is essential to having loving, connected relationships.
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it,” no superhero ever said. Imagine if they did!
Most of us learn early on that being seen as strong and invincible will make people like and respect us. Fast forward to your romantic relationships and you find yourself saying “I’m fine” passive-aggressively while it’s written all over your face that you’re anything but. You are bitter. your partner is confused, and you both feel disconnected.
The cure to this is called vulnerability.
What is vulnerability?
It is the ability to share your innermost feelings. I’m talking about the kind of feelings you have trouble recognizing even in yourself.
Vulnerability is…
Trying to say “I have feelings for you,” knowing the answer might be awkward silence.
Or “I feel insecure when you talk to me about your other lovers.”
Or “I’ve faked orgasms for fear you’ll leave me otherwise.”
Or “I’m afraid to approach women.”
Or “I feel like a failure at romantic relationships.”
It’s much easier to say, “Stop being crazy!” or “Why don’t you ever have sex?”
Versus (a vulnerable version): “I feel judged and unimportant” or “I don’t know if you’re still attracted to me.”
So, how to be vulnerable?
- Know what you are trying to achieve by being vulnerable. Is it to feel closer? More open? To be honest? Break toxic communication patterns? To create more warmth or a better connection?
Being vulnerable means taking a risk. keeping your intention in mind will make it easier.
- In order to be vulnerable, you need to shift the focus from what your partner did and “how they could” to how they made you feel and why.
- Learn to be more precise in describing what you feel. Check out our extensive list of emotes here.
It might be tempting to say, “I feel like you’re avoiding me,” but there’s no emotion or vulnerability in that sentence. “Feeling abandoned” is both vulnerable and describes how you probably feel.
- Start by being vulnerable with people you feel safe with.
- Building your muscles is a process. Be your own cheerleader as you take steps to become more comfortable with it.
- Be aware of the “vulnerability hangover”. This term was coined by shame researcher Brené Brown and refers to the feeling of regret or anxiety after revealing something.
How do you know if you’re doing it right?
Well, it would probably feel scary, nervous, raise your heart rate, or make you short of breath. It’s a leap of faith. Offer your heart in the palm of your hand and trust that your partner will handle it with care.
Interested in learning more about the vulnerability? Check out Brene Brown’s fantastic book “You Are Boldly Dared: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.”
