How to be a better husband – 5 steps
Step #1: Express appreciation
The first thing to increase is appreciation. How often do you tell your wife what you admire about her? How often do you express appreciation? Appreciation can be about something he did that you admired. It may be traits of her character that you love. It may be things about her physical appearance that you value most. Many of us don’t say the positive things we appreciate because we don’t think about it or because we consume the negative. Most of us look for the areas we are not happy with. These things are valid and need to be addressed. However, we must also make a concerted effort to look for the good. Every night you spend quality time together, start by expressing your appreciation. Comment on at least one thing you admired or appreciated about your wife in the last 1-2 days. Doing so will make her feel loved and cherished.
Step #2: Give affection
If you’re wondering how to be a better husband, the second thing to do is to provide regular affection. The majority of women love affection. However, they want to be touched in a way that they like to be touched. So ask your wife what kind of affection she would like most. Would she like a light tickle on her arm? Would she like a steady shoulder massage? Would she like to play with her hair? Some women love all kinds of affection and some are very particular about what they like. My wife, for example, only likes light tickles for affection, and that’s not my style of affection. My natural inclination is to touch more firmly by shaking hands, grabbing feet, or patting the back. This is the kind of affection I was given growing up. However, my wife grew up being lightly tickled for affection, so I had to learn to touch her that way for it to be considered affection. So don’t assume you know how your wife likes to be touched. You have to ask her, be receptive to her feedback, and then give him that kind. Also, one of the worst things you can do is only touch her when you want to have sex. Your wife will notice this quickly and then resent your touching because there are ulterior motives. You need to provide affection much more often than when you want to have sex, so that your woman feels that your touch is purely motivated. One of the best times to offer affection is when you feel most positive about her. As you notice things you admire and appreciate about your spouse, let her know with your words and loving touch. Doing this will make your affection feel more genuine than forced.
Step #3: Make thoughtful gestures
If you’re wondering how to be a better husband, the third way is through thoughtful gestures. Do something thoughtful for your wife at least once a day. Think of small acts of kindness you could do that would be appreciated. Maybe it’s making her coffee in the morning or letting her sleep a little longer while you prepare the children’s breakfast. Everyday you ask yourself “what is one small act of kindness I could do for her today that would make her life a little easier?” Try not to get into a rut where you do the same thing for her every day. Change it up and get creative. Also, whenever you do something to make yourself more comfortable, consider doing something similar to make her more comfortable. Most of us gravitate toward selfishness and think about what’s best for us all day long. Instead, also consider what is best for your wife and serve her with thoughtful gestures.
Step #4: Provide Active Listening
Another key to being a better husband is being an active listener. An active listener is someone who focuses fully on his wife when he is talking. This includes putting down your phone, looking at her, and giving her your undivided attention. Doing this will make her feel that you care. Then respond with empathy when she discusses challenging things in her life. Empathy expresses validation and support. Some of the best empathy statements to master include “it makes sense to feel ____ because of ____” or “I can understand why you would feel ____ because of ____” or “that sucks” or “it’s no wonder you feel that way” or “that sounds ___.” Providing these types of empathetic statements is more authentic when you know your wife well. To get to know her well, ask her what the most painful things about her upbringing were, what values she was raised with, what is most important to her in life, what her top stressors are, what her top marital needs are, and what are the top dreams are for the future. Write down her answers to these questions and review them often because it will allow you to look into her soul and understand how she sees the world. Then, with that information in the back of your mind, you’ll begin to understand why certain things make her feel a certain way, and that’s when authentic empathy will flow. Also, never give solutions or advice unless she asks for it so she doesn’t feel like you’re trying to fix her.
Step #5: Become a better lover
If you’re wondering how to be a better husband, the fifth critical piece is learning how to be a good lover. First, it’s vital to provide regular appreciation, affection, thoughtful gestures, and active listening so that your woman is open to intercourse. Asking for sex without these four elements being a regular part of your relationship will likely lead to her saying no. Most women first need to feel emotionally connected and nurtured before they open up to sexual intimacy. Second, when you have sex, remember to go slow. Most women take 15-30 minutes to reach orgasm because it takes them a while to build arousal. Think of them like a crockpot, a slow cooker. Third, work from the outside in. For example, you could start with a foot massage, then a hand massage, then a shoulder massage. Use something gentle and clean like coconut oil when massaging. From there, you could start playing with her hair and tickling her shoulders, arms, back and thighs. After massaging and lightly tickling for about 10-15 minutes, start gently kissing her neck, shoulders and mouth. Then slowly move towards her chest. Remember, outside in. Begin by gently kissing and caressing the outer perimeter of her breast, then slowly work your way to her nipples. The nipples are the most sensitive part, that’s why you touch them last, not first. After doing this for a few minutes, slowly move into her vulva. Again, the outside in is better because the clitoris is very sensitive, so touch it last and not first. Begin by gently stroking, kissing and nipping the outer and inner lips of her vulva. Do this for several minutes. Then slowly move to the clitoris and start experimenting with different types of touch, movement and pressure. Touch can be manual or verbal. The movement can be either sideways or circular. The pressure can be firm or light. She will need to give you feedback during this time so you know what feels best for her, which may change as her arousal increases. Continue doing this activity until it peaks. Then, if she’s open to it, proceed with intercourse. For most women, pleasure diminishes after intercourse begins because there isn’t enough clitoral stimulation, so you want to bring her to orgasm before intercourse to prioritize her experience.
So if you’re wondering how to be a better husband, be sure to express appreciation, show affection, make thoughtful gestures, be an active listener, and be a good lover.
Further reading:
How to be a better wife
I hate my wife
I hate my husband
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What else would you recommend to those wondering how to become better husbands?
