Let’s talk about saying sorry and to fix things in relationships. Forgiveness is key, especially in long-term relationships like marriage. You are bound to step on your partner’s toes, hurt their feelings, or fail to meet their needs perfectly. Therefore, it is important to learn how to apologize to someone you hurt. Let’s dive into the steps to a solid apology.
How to apologize to someone you hurt
Step One- Summarize your partner’s complaint.
You want to make sure you understand their complaint correctly. So, as they talk about what bothered them or hurt their feelings, you need to feed it back to them. But here’s the thing – don’t add your own twist or make fun of their point. Just stick to their experience. You might say something like, “Well, you feel like I have a ____ pattern, it makes you feel ____, and it taps into your basic need for ____, right?
This summary helps you check if you received the message correctly. Because, let’s be real, we all have our own internal dialogue when we hear a complaint. It’s also good for your partner to let them know you’re really listening and give them a chance to modify what they’ve said.
Step Two – The 50% Rule.
The 50% rule is like the MVP of apologies, it’s so important! Here’s the deal: the entire complaint isn’t necessarily your fault. It could be your circumstances and your partner projecting onto you.
But here’s the kicker – you can’t just brush it off completely. So while you’re wallowing in their complaint, you have to ask yourself, “What’s my part in this?” That’s why it’s called the 50% rule. Sometimes you might think, “Yeah, I can take about 20% of the responsibility.” Other times, it can be more than 90%. Most of the time, it’s a hit in the middle – about 50%. Now, here’s the secret sauce: keep this place to yourself. It’s an internal brainstorming session.
Here you are silently thinking, “What is the grain of truth in this complaint? What part can I honestly own? How did I contribute? What could I have done better?” Sometimes, it hits you like lightning – instant realization. Other times, you may need to chew on it for a while. Don’t rush it. If you’re stuck, consider ropeing in a relationship coach.
Step Three – Make a Property Declaration.
This is where you tell your partner, “I’m mine, I tend to …….” Either they’re a bad listener, too self-absorbed, a bit of a control freak, or always trying to fix instead of just sympathizing.
Here’s the trick – don’t explain why you’re doing it because it will sound defensive. For example, if I say, “I own that I tend to be defensive because you’re judgmental,” that’s a no-go. Blaming your partner for your behavior is a cop out. By this logic, you are never responsible for your behavior. You are responsible for your words and actions regardless of your partner’s behavior. Sure, your partner’s actions may affect how you want to respond, but it’s always a choice.
Step Four – Empathize with how your behavior has made your partner feel.
This is where you really try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Think about their upbringing, their values, those little insecurities they might carry, their needs, their hopes, and even the stressors they juggle. It’s like putting together a puzzle of who your partner is. Once you get that picture, suddenly, their feelings will make sense to you. If their feelings don’t make sense, it’s because you’re seeing the situation from your perspective, not theirs.
Now, here’s the scoop on empathy – it’s seeing the world through their unique lens, based on all those pieces that make them who they are. As they share their complaint, you begin to connect the dots. “Oh, this bothers them because it hits a sore spot from the return,” or “No wonder it hurt their feelings—that’s one of their top needs.” It becomes a mental math problem.
So here’s the empathy statement to make: “It makes sense that doing ____ would make you feel ____.”
Step 5- Apologize for how your behavior has made your partner feel.
This is similar to the previous step, but with a slight change in language. This is where you apologize for how your behavior has made your partner feel. This is where you lay it out and say, “I’m so sorry for how I ____ makes you feel ____.”
Step 6 – Correct the behavior that belongs to you.
Well, you own your behavior, empathize and apologize. Now it’s time to figure out what you’re going to do about it. Let’s be real, the best way to say sorry is through changed behavior, but change takes time.
Here’s the deal though – if you apologize and then go back to the same old behavior, it’s only going to upset your partner even more. So it’s important to roll up your sleeves and make a real effort to change things. Think about what tweaks you can make that will work for you too, because if it doesn’t work for you, it won’t stick. And don’t take the easy way out with basic solutions like “Oh, I’ll get better,” that’s too vague. Level up – what specific steps can you take to level up?
If you’re scratching your head, not sure where to start, don’t sweat it. You can say, “I’ll look it up and do some research.” Search for articles, podcasts, books – whatever you need. Don’t forget to check in with your partner too – ask them, “What do you think? What else would you appreciate?” Give them a chance to share what they would like to see. Then, from all the ideas generated, you choose which ones you want to implement. You having the final say on what actions to take keeps you in control of the change process, which will encourage continuity compared to being told what to do.
Finally, pick up your phone, pull up the notes section, and jot down what you’re committing to. Then a few times a week, pull it up and review it. I’ve done this in my own marriage – I call it my partner’s Cheat Sheet. It’s a list of behaviors you’re trying to work on to become a better partner. Checking in on it a few times a week is often all it takes to finally start changing your behavior. As your behavior changes, your partner will begin to feel hopeful.
In summary, here are the six steps on how to apologize to someone you hurt.
1. Summarize your partner’s complaint.
2. The 50% rule.
3. Make a declaration of ownership.
4. Empathize with how your behavior has made your partner feel.
5. Apologize for how your behavior has made your partner feel.
6. Correct your behavior.
For further reading see below.
For arguments use the Mini Reunite Tool for Conflict Resolution
For deeper grievances use the Full Reunion Tool to resolve conflicts
Get my FREE PDF on 4 Steps to Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below about what else you would add about how to apologize to someone you hurt.
