Hypercontrol, defined as excessive or maladaptive self-control, can lead to significant problems
in our relationships. People with overcontrolling traits may not realize their behaviors are
contributes to relationship problems or may not know how to make changes. Having the ability
for high self-control is not bad; it can be a very good thing. People with high self-control often
they care deeply about what is happening. What is important is to look at the areas of your life where you are
Too much control causes problems, not changing everything about yourself.
Am I being over-controlled?
- Do you consider yourself a perfectionist or do others think so of you?
- Are you an all or nothing thinker?
- Do you often have ideas about how things should be/ how people should behave?
- Have you received feedback that you are too hard on yourself or others?
- Do you feel a sense of urgency that tasks and problems must be resolved quickly?
- Finding it hard to let your guard down?
- Do you get caught up in the details?
- Do you overwork/extend yourself and find it hard to say no?
- Do you have trouble procrastinating on important/big tasks?
This is not meant to be a diagnosis, however, these are some over-checking features that can
contribute to relationship issues. If you can relate, there may be some work you can do to improve
your relationship.
How does excessive control manifest itself in relationships?
You may find that when your partner doesn’t live up to your expectations, you feel anxious or
disappointed. You may be critical of the way your partner talks, behaves, or even loads the dishwasher. While you may feel that your expectations are reasonable, your partner states that they feel stressed and criticized. Here are two examples of how over-controlling behaviors affect relationships.
A story of outrage:
Joe puts a glass in the dishwasher and notices his partner’s dishes in the sink. He feels disappointed. He sits on the couch with his partner and asks, “did you load the dishwasher?” His partner says no. Joe sighs, folds his arms, and falls silent. Inwardly Joe fumes, thinking how could they be so careless? They’ll let me do the dishes again. They always load the dishwasher the wrong way anyway. I guess I have to do it myself. He washes the dishes and is relieved that they are done “the right way”, but inside he feels resentful.
A story of an unwanted helper:
Jane watches her partner cook dinner. She lowers the heat on the stove and her partner asks her to stop. Jane says “I’m just trying to help, the vegetables would have burned at that temperature!” Jane continues to make comments about her partner’s cooking such as “you have to add salt or the water will never boil” and “you’re supposed to cook the pasta whole, not break it in half! Jane’s partner feels excluded and judged. Finally they both say “good you do” and walk out of the kitchen. Jane feels angry,
confused and outraged.
How to manage your overcontrolling behaviors
Get out of fight or flight mode to feel safe and connected
- Take deep breaths, smile with your mouth closed and move your eyebrows up and down.
- Do a mindfulness exercise.
- Put ice under your eyes for 30-60 seconds.
Practice direct, non-judgmental communication
- Describe your feelings using emotion words and don’t describe your partner.
- Ask for positive needs to be met instead of describing what you don’t like.
- Listen to understand when your partner shares how they feel.
- Practice validation without agreeing or disagreeing.
Ask for help and accept that your partner’s way may be different from yours.
- There are many ways to cook a potato.
Ask yourself
- Do I expect my partner to think/behave the same way as me?
- Is my way the only/right way to behave or act?
- What makes me think my way is the right way?
Come out to your partner
- Take responsibility for your excessive thoughts/actions by telling your partner you recognize the behaviors AND committing to learning and using skills to reduce them.
Identify your valuable target in the interaction you are in
- In this case, is the way the dishwasher is placed more important, or is it more important to show my partner that I respect and like him?
Now that you know how overcontrolling behaviors affect relationships, you can assess whether they are affecting your life and relationships. If it is so RODB may be an effective treatment for you. Use this as an opportunity to talk to your partner and build a deeper relationship. Dr. John Gottman has many tools for starting a dialogue with your partner and developing a better understanding of each other.
