Whether you have children or not, in any household, what you have is a plethora of tasks that need to be done on a regular basis. Someone has to be the janitor who sweeps, the family banker, the pet feeder, the entertainment coordinator, the shopping… the list goes on and on. And if you are a parent, someone has to lead the parenting department by scheduling daycare, school lunches, parent-teacher conferences, sporting events, and summer camps.
Wow, there is a TON to track and fill out! Marriage conflict seems inevitable when you say it out loud.
Estimated reading: 4 minutes
Division of housework in marriage
Without teamwork and shared household chores, the responsibilities of managing a household can be daunting.
Oh, and that other little thing called a career and a full-time job — where is the work-life balance and can it exist!?
Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or dad or you work in an office, we’re all very busy people. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
And our payment for all our hard work?
Hopefully we’ll be rewarded with a smile, a hug or a “thank you” and that’s usually enough. Unless, of course, you feel like doing it all.
One of the biggest struggles in a relationship, and it’s common for many couples, is the division of labor … and the impending arguments. There are those days when all of life’s tasks seem to pile on top of each other.
Do you sometimes get buried in a pile of work and self-pity?
Who better to blame than the person you’re with the most – your partner!
One day, during a particularly busy week, I expressed to my husband how overwhelmed I was feeling. He listened and responded empathetically, BUT when I came home the next night, the house was a wreck. It looked like he had just thrown a party.
My first reaction?
“He knows how busy I am, how could he not support?” Aha, he must not care about me!
I cleaned up while muttering a few R-rated words under my breath, picturing the voodoo doll of him I would make when I was done.
And then I called Jenniferwho always helped me see things through a different lens — a lens of unconditional love.
So, how often do couples fight?
There is no clear answer. And studies are skewed by the varying intensities of arguments and the emotional maturity of each couple. However, check these keys to NOT become statistics!
Healthy relationships will have conflict. are inevitable.
One thing is for sure, there are four conflict styles that damage your relationship. The Gottman Institute calls them “The four horsemen.”
Learn these pitfalls and your relationship will become sweeter.
We’re going to focus on one of the most common disagreements for couples: the division of chores. Learn the keys to letting love rule!
Get a new perspective on Marriage and Relationship—Relationshipshift
Here’s what I learned and gained perspective after meeting Jennifer at Heartmanity:
My husband is also busy.
I have to remember she is also a parent and works full time.
Love says: seek to understand.
Ask, don’t assume. (I never asked my husband to help.)
I may have told him how busy and stressed I was, but I never actually asked him. He can’t read my mind. Hmm… mind reading, that delusional challenge in relationships.
I could have set myself up for success instead by asking something like, “We’re both so busy this week, is there anything you can do around the house to help?”
This simple request is especially critical when we are both at our peak. When he makes a request, he has the opportunity to choose some additional jobs, and I have asked for help.
Love says: don’t assume – ask.
My partner’s idea of a clean and tidy house is different from mine.
What looks to me like a village hit by tornadoes, he sees as a cozy, comfortable, inhabited space.
Each person in a relationship often has different definitions and opinions about cleanliness.
Today, I believe we have reached a positive solution (no compromises). I’ve relaxed a bit with the tidying up, and it’s become a bit tidier.
Love Says: Create win-win relationships.
Jobs can wait.
When I come home exhausted after work, I don’t we have to do it all. I used to feel like I had to do my own thing and my business right away. I can actually leave the dishes or laundry for tomorrow or some other time when I have more energy, and he can do his thing when he has time. It takes some self-control, but in some cases, I now choose the couch over cleaning.
Related reading: “Self-care is fundamental to a healthy and happy life.”
We can choose our roles.
I chose to become head chef. usually it’s the dishwasher. He is the woodcarrier. I’m the sweeper. We have naturally chosen the jobs we can do best and most efficiently to maintain our home, and while we may help each other out, we can also rely on each other to do our jobs when we can.
Love Reminds Us: The trick is to remember when you’re feeling overwhelmed that you actually chose the part!
When he helps keep the house tidy, I always make sure to tell him how much I appreciate it. When I put a nice meal in front of him, he always pleases me. That makes it worthwhile and motivates us to keep going.
I found that these tips helped us create more balance in the division of labor.
There are still days when the to-do list is overwhelming, but together we’ve found ways to divide and conquer—and support each other.
To get support for your marriage, have more fun, and cultivate more love in your relationships, contact us at Heartmanity support@heartmanity.com.
