You may already be dealing with stress in your relationship, and now the holidays can bring even more. I asked our relationship experts how couples can best manage these challenges and enjoy this time of year! They offered these tips on how to survive the holidays with your partner and grow in your relationship.
1. Be kind
During the holidays, there are often many different reasons to be frustrated, angry, and bitter. Depression or excessive stress from the holidays can make us more cheerful, causing us to lash out.
It can be easy to say things that, as soon as they come out of our mouths, we wish we hadn’t said them. Therefore, it is important to find ways that we can prevent it.
When hurtful things are on the tip of your tongue, walk away and excuse yourself from the situation if you can. Take time to take six deep breaths and when you are calm, only then return to the state.
Then you can go back and try to make amends and be kinder to the situation. Try to have a positive outlook on what you’re dealing with instead of letting your anger get the better of you.
Don’t forget to be kinder to yourself too. Because a lot of times, if we’re angry and short, we’re often not being kind to ourselves. It’s important to make sure you’re being kind to yourself, as well as to those around you.
2. Handling money on holidays
During the holidays, money can often be a source of stress and more fights between you and your partner. You and your partner may disagree or have different opinions about how your money situation should be during (and after) the holidays.
You both may have different thoughts on what the gifts represent and different traditions you’d like to carry on. But it’s important to talk through these different perspectives and opinions about budgeting and the holidays.
Even after discussing your differing thoughts, you may not completely agree. But, at least you can understand more deeply why your partner believes in this particular perspective on the holidays. Or why it is so important to them. Then you can appreciate why they feel the way they do and can do the same for you and your prospects. You can have mutual respect and appreciation for each other’s opinions.
3. Avoiding family arguments
Pay special attention to how you handle disagreements about family members. It can be a very common argument between couples, even those in the healthiest of relationships.
Very often sharp language can be used towards a partner’s family members, which causes that partner to be hurt and upset. This leads to heated arguments and stress that are not needed at this time of year.
This sharp language can manifest as criticism of this family member, which can be harmful to your partner causing tension in your relationship.
How can you avoid this?
One way to avoid this cause of disagreement is to shift your perspective to a learning one. Look at your partner’s family in a new light and with a learning mindset. Pretend like you’re meeting them for the first time, even if you’ve known them for years.
Changing our perspective to a learning perspective gives us the opportunity to remove common biases that have grown over the years and see our partner’s family differently.
This also helps to remove the judgments and see them from a perspective of understanding. You will end up showing them more love and more compassion. This results in your heart loving your in-laws, which also helps your relationship with your partner grow and become closer.
Using this new perspective allows you to understand your partner’s family history, what makes them do what they do, why they believe what they believe, and more. Even though this may be different from what you think, you can still understand them.
4. Finish these arguments
Keep this learning perspective in mind when we talk about the next tip… iIf you have the same argument often with your partner, end it!
Even if that argument is weeks or months ago, you may have new ideas, new feelings, or new perspectives on the matter. This is something we need to touch on and discuss.
Too often arguments are looked at from a negative angle and we think about how horrible the argument is and how much we don’t want to open it. But, there are these new emotions and feelings that need to be dealt with.
Going into a learning perspective will help you understand what the argument is. What can you learn about yourself from this argument? What can you learn about your partner from this argument? What can you learn about your relationship?
A growth perspective can help you and your partner understand what you can learn from the situation.
Try opening the conversation with your partner. Share that you had a new realization and want to share it with them. Ask how they might feel about talking about the situation again and that talking about it might help you grow together.
This can help you not only learn something about yourself as an individual, but also as a couple. Look at it using a growth mindset, as well as a learning mindset. This will help you share each other and bond more as a couple.
If this issue is highly charged for the two of you, you might want to talk to a relationship coach first.
5. Brainstorm typical stressors
Try not to overdo things this time of year, which can happen all too easily for many people. Ask for help if needed instead of trying to do things on your own. You don’t have to go above and beyond and end up making yourself more miserable.
Don’t allow yourself to get tired, irritated or overwhelmed, which will just end up not enjoying the holiday. If visiting family is a known stressor, agree ahead of time on how you’ll both deal with it.
You may need to rehearse and plan for predictably irritating relatives. Make sure you have a friend to complain to… but don’t complain about your marriage.
Just having someone to talk to and vent your feelings to will help you deal with your stressors.
6. Manage your self-care
Making sure you show some self-care is extremely important this time of year and will definitely have an impact on your relationship.
If you drink too much or eat too much, it can become harder to hold up your end of the bargain. So remember to keep that in mind and that it may not help you manage the stressors that come up during the holidays.
Be intentional and set appropriate boundaries for yourself. This means being careful with your alcohol consumption. The effect of too much alcohol during the holiday season can have a negative impact on your relationship and you both want to be on your best behavior leading up to the New Year.
Have an honest conversation with your partner about how you can both avoid using too much alcohol as a stress reliever. You don’t want to end up with heated arguments later or deal with the impact of poor choices made in the moment.
Make time for some self-care in other ways. Find ways you can relieve stress for yourself and as a couple. Maybe this looks like taking a short nap or staying in to watch a movie instead of running to the next event.
Make self-care a priority and it will make all the difference in your relationship.
7. Be in the moment
Every moment try to have a good time regardless of the circumstances.
The holidays can offer dozens of fun little distractions, so embrace them! Be grateful for the little pleasures with your kids, family, perfect strangers, and (of course) your partner!
We’re on vacation to give our team a much needed break, but check out our free course!
ADVANCE YOUR COUPLES’ THERAPY NOW.
First published December 2021
