When I meet a new couple, I always ask: How do you stay calm during and outside of it?
conflict? While some report having strategies for self-soothing, many do not, and very few of me
Couples report using any strategies during conflict discussions. When emotion regulation skills
not used during conflict, many couples experience dysregulation. When we are deregulated
our emotional intensity has increased and we find it difficult to bring back the feelings
at a moderate level. When this happens, we generally cannot hear our partner effectively,
misunderstandings increase and our ability to communicate effectively goes out the window!
How matches can be done without emotion regulation:
Partner 1: I felt very hurt yesterday when you didn’t return my phone call.
Partner 2: I already told you I forgot because work was so overwhelming that day.
P1: I know, but still I kept waiting to hear from you, feeling like you didn’t care!
P2: Seriously, are you going to accuse me of not caring?
P1: Well, that’s how you feel when you can’t remember me enough to answer my call!
And it would go, escalating more and more! Most of us have had a struggle very similar to this
a. One or both partners may have started the conversation feeling out of sorts or have become
was quickly deregulated after its inception. Without emotion regulation, neither partner can hear it
but. The four horsemen increase and the race becomes less efficient leading to more injuries
the relationship.
Now imagine that within this brief back and forth, one or both partners admitted that they were
feeling dysregulated.
How can we recognize when we are dysregulated?
One tool we use in Gottman Couples Therapy is to wear heart rate monitors during
sessions. This allows us and our clients to know when their heart rate is showing
deregulation. For most people a heart rate of 100 or greater signals dysfunction. If you are
is very athletic or you have a low resting heart rate you are likely to be dysregulated in a
lower heart rate.
I strongly recommend that couples use heart rate monitors when having conflict discussions at home as well, particularly if high conflict or dysregulation is part of their pattern. If the conflict discussion is not scheduled, stop and grab the screens as soon as the conflict starts. Even this short break can help reduce elevated heart rates. After using heart rate monitors for a while, you’ll be more familiar with how your body feels when it’s not regulated even without the monitors.
You and your partner can also make a habit of pausing and doing a body scan at the beginning
and during conflict discussions. During a body scan you will be scanned from your head to your toes
notice how your body feels. Signs like fast heartbeat, muscle tension, clenched jaw, etc. are common when not regulated. I would also recommend doing body scans when you are feeling relaxed to see the difference.
How can I get back on track?
Once you notice a malfunction, there are several techniques you can use
- Normal self-soothing Use of all five of your senses: Vision (soothing gaze, such as photos of loved ones,
pets, landscapes, funny or cute videos), Sounds (music, bells, nature sounds), Smell
(essential oils, aroma, smells associated with soothing memories), Taste (your favorite food,
gum, chocolate, peppermint), touch (a stress ball, silly putty, a rock, quicksand,
a comforting object) - The TIPP Skill (distress tolerance tool):
1) Temperature: Use ice or cold water under your eyes, on your face or head or
try taking a cold shower. This activates the ‘dive reflex’ which helps us reset
with a decrease in heart rate. Icy warm or peppermint essential oil on the skin can also
to be effective. You can also use strong flavor (try mint or cinnamon, edible
peppermint essential oil, suck on a lemon, eat something spicy, etc.).
2) Intense exercise: hold a pose for 60 seconds or until you feel a muscle group
combustion, e.g. wall seat, board, etc.
3) Step Breathing: Take slow deep breaths, focus on your breath coming in and
outside.
4) Progressive muscle relaxation: Tighten one muscle group at a time, starting with me
your forehead and down to your toes. - Take at least a 20-minute break: According to Dr. Gottman, “the main sympathetic neurotransmitter norepinephrine doesn’t have an enzyme to degrade it, so it has to diffuse through the blood…this takes twenty minutes or more in the cardiovascular system. ”
Creating new habits is hard! If dysfunction or intense conflict occurs in your relationship, a
Gottman Couples Therapist can help you learn tools and create the habits to have more
successful conflict negotiations. Emotional regulation has the power to transform your conflict cycle!
