If you’re looking for a short-term hookup, be honest with yourself and the other person and in the end, it can lead to a more fruitful and enjoyable experience for you where your partner is in alignment rather than resentful of you for not declaring it what you were looking for in the first place.
When someone uses an ultimatum to move forward in a relationship, what they are ultimately doing is taking the service away from their partner to be able to change things in various ways. It basically removes options and when you have no options, you are forced down a path that may not be of your choosing, which can often lead to dissatisfaction in the long run.
In a relationship, effective communication involves two people discussing and possibly looking for alternatives. Just because you don’t agree with your partner doesn’t mean you can’t reach a middle ground where it’s still a win-win for both parties. There is always an alternative, but you have to think outside the box and imagine things you haven’t tried because when we feel like we only have ultimatums to rely on, it indicates that we have become too limited in our thinking, that they have lost sight of the bigger picture and they are stuck in the weeds.
Ultimatums usually occur when you can’t empathize with the other person, and I think we often forget that when we come to a decision that there’s only one solution we have to have.
Ultimatums are appropriate when you are dealing with security issues or when you want to draw a hard boundary on something. For example, if you ever feel your safety is threatened, you can set your boundaries and ask for them to be respected, or you can decide to leave. However, when using ultimatums, especially when asking about marriage or engagement, you have to ask yourself what the long-term implications might be for that person in the future, as it varies in many ways from person to person. Some will take it as a threat and become defensive, some will walk away, some will harbor it and use it against you later, some will swallow it and internalize the negativity of losing their choice, and some who are unable to make decisions because they themselves can take it as a directive as they fear their own judgement.
Before you decide to offer an ultimatum, ask yourself if the very act of taking away their choice is worth creating tension in the relationship in the long run. They may not resent it immediately, but there is a danger that they may unconsciously put the rift into the relationship. Inevitably, there is always a risk.
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