Heartstopper: What consent is and what it isn’t

We worked with NCS to see practical examples of giving and withholding sexual consent, based on Netflix series Heartstopper

What is consent? And how do we put it into practice? How do we ask for consent without feeling awkward, embarrassing, or even put off? Consent can sometimes feel confusing, and it’s understandable to feel frustrated that sexual consent isn’t as simple as saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Obtaining consent is the minimum about what to do when it comes to being sexually intimate with someone, but how do we do that in real life? We’ve rounded up all of our best tips and are going to discuss some examples from the Netflix series Heartstopper very.

We may think that consent is only about sex, but it’s actually important in many different situations. Any kind of physical intimacy, be it kissing, touching or any kind of sex, requires consent. A really good example of this is in his first series Heartstopper when Ben kisses Charlie, even though Charlie has explicitly told him that he doesn’t want us to meet again. Charlie obviously doesn’t want to kiss him, saying “don’t touch me” and telling Ben to stop, but Ben does it anyway. It’s not right to call it a kiss at all: Charlie doesn’t consent, Ben does it anyway, so this is sexual assault.

How do I request consent?

So, you might be thinking, do I need to ask someone every time I want to kiss them? Isn’t that really uncomfortable and unsexy? Let’s go back to Heartstopper to answer this question.

When Nick and Charlie kiss, it’s obviously consensual. How do we know this? The first time they kiss, Charlie explicitly asks Nick if he could kiss him. He also communicates through his body language by touching Nick’s hand. This gives Nick the opportunity to say no verbally and physically, either by saying “no” out loud or pulling his hand away. This scene is super romantic and I don’t think anyone could argue that Charlie asking to kiss Nick ruins the mood – if anything that’s what makes the scene so beautiful!

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship with the person, or it’s a more casual relationship, you should do your best to make the other person as comfortable as possible and aim to give them the best time you can. (Though that doesn’t mean you do things you don’t want to do!). We can do this by:

💛 Giving them the opportunity to say no

💛 They take the time to understand their body language

💛 They check in to make sure they’re enjoying what’s going on. For example, asking “How is this? Slower?” or “Do I feel okay?”

💛 Listening to them: there are many ways we communicate ‘no’ or ‘stop’ indirectly

They have consented before so should I ask again?

You and everyone else can say no to sex, touching or kissing at any time. We can’t say it enough. Whether you’re in a club, in your bedroom, or in the middle of sex. And just because someone has consented to something in the past, or you’re in a relationship with them, doesn’t automatically mean they consent all the time. Even if someone has consented to something in the past, that doesn’t mean they give consent for every future time. It is necessary to check in (get consent) every time you are physically intimate with someone.

Let’s consider what this might look like. In Heartstopper, since Nick and Charlie are officially dating, we don’t always see explicit verbal consent every time they kiss, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Instead, they use body language cues. They know each other pretty well at this point, so it becomes much easier to read each other’s body language and know if the other person is uncomfortable.

Body language signs are very individual, but here are some common signs of consent:

✅ Smiling
✅Make eye contact and look at you
✅Shaking the head
✅ Responding, pulling you to them, touching you back
✅ I kiss you back
✅ By moving their body closer to you

Of course, you can still communicate your consent verbally, even if you know someone very well. In Heartstopper, during the school trip to Paris, when Nick kisses Charlie’s neck, he stops to ask Charlie if what he’s doing is okay. Charlie responds with a very enthusiastic “YES!”. What’s more attractive than knowing that someone really cares about what you do?

How do I know if someone does not consent?

Everyone has the right to change their mind about any kind of sexual intimacy, regardless of what happens. But even if we know this, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to actually say it. Saying no can be incredibly difficult for many of us! Especially if it involves someone we have feelings for or care about.

Sometimes, people may find it difficult to say “no” out loud and instead may indicate that they are not having fun and want to stop in non-verbal ways by using their body language.

Here are some signs that someone isn’t enjoying what’s going on and wants to stop:

🛑 Freezes, feels stiff and tense
🛑 They don’t look at you, they turn their head away from you
🛑 Crying
🛑 Silence
🛑 He trembles and moves away from you
🛑 Shaking
🛑 You look scared, unhappy, sad, panicked or frowning
🛑 Sleepiness, fainting or passing out (probably due to alcohol/drugs)
🛑 You seem confused or it doesn’t make sense

Because consent is the key to building a loving relationship

Consent is knowing your partner’s body language and giving them opportunities to tell you how they feel. Like you Heartstopper when Charlie kisses Nick’s neck and he can tell he’s distracted and doesn’t fully have him. Charlie stops and asks Nick if what he’s doing is okay. Nick (very unconvincingly) says he is, but Charlie isn’t convinced and double checks that Nick is okay. This allows Nick to open up and talk about what they both do and don’t feel comfortable doing together.

The more thought that goes into communicating, building trust, and being considerate of each other’s feelings, the better the sex and physical intimacy will be, and the more fun you’ll have together. Basically, sexual consent is about caring and checking in.

We teamed up with the brilliant NCS for this article: NCS | Develop your powers | National Citizen Service

Other support

read more