That’s not the dead end I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is the emotional traffic jam that occurs in a relationship that has the same accompanying emotions and more – feeling stuck, frustrated or powerless. The holiday season is also a good time to rethink how to approach the impasses that arise in your relationship.
In Dr. Gottman’s New York Times bestselling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, points out that 69% of conflict in relationships is about unresolved issues. You would still have them if you married someone else, it would just be a different set of ongoing problems.
A relationship impasse is a situation in which your argument with your partner has stalled because you both disagree about how to proceed. A couple can experience an impasse on any issue, and often the more impasse they are, the more impasse they become on other things.
Impasse is difficult because it is often caused by the blocking of our deepest dreams, desires and feelings. I’ve seen couples stall over issues like how to raise children, practice a certain faith, or take on a new job. Breaking the deadlock this holiday season is the best gift you can give your relationship.
What to do when you feel stuck
Ironically, a dead end is an opportunity. I know you feel terrible right now, but it can actually create an opportunity for you to understand your partner better and become closer to them. Here are some exercises you can do to help you come out of the full stop.
1. Empathize with your partner.
As hard as it is, try to ask them details about their point of view. Chances are there is a story behind their desires. Learn their story, listen carefully and include.
2. Be respectful.
You don’t have to understand or agree with your partner’s perspective, but it is important to accept it. Saying “Well, the way you celebrate Christmas is crazy” will alienate your partner and possibly prevent further discussion. Respect is a choice and helps determine the kind of partner you want to be.
3. Make temporary compromises.
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that you don’t have to and probably won’t solve your problem. Chances are, you’ll continue to talk about these topics for decades. The trick is to get used to talking to each other in a certain way that allows you to find common ground and make temporary compromises.
4. Remember the honeymoon phase.
Do you remember when you first met and swapped stories over dinner? You laughed together and shared personal information. You weren’t trying to change each other. you were celebrating the new person you just met. Get back into that mindset this season. When your partner suggests an idea, remember what you might have said on first dates and try to say something similar. Be open to suggestions!
Finding Middle Earth
Unresolved issues are inevitable as we grow and change as humans. As uncomfortable as it is to disagree with your partner, it’s part of the deal when you decide to be with another person. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book After the honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably choose a certain set of unresolved issues.” They will change over the years, and while it may sound scary, it’s also an opportunity to deepen your connection and continue to get to know each other better over time.
A good compromise requires two people to have self-respect and respect for their partner. Everyone has values and dreams, but you can still find some common ground. Dr. Gottman calls this a “flexible region.” Maybe you don’t want your kids to practice your partner’s faith as children, but maybe you’re okay with them celebrating the holidays, with the caveat that they’ll choose for themselves when they’re old enough. Maybe you want a dog and your partner doesn’t, so you might agree to cover the cost of the dog’s care.
You don’t have to change your partner’s mind or act in ways that don’t make sense to you, but you do have to be nice to each other and allow each other to grow. The alternative is akin to being stuck in traffic for a long, long time.
Surrendering to victory
One of the most powerful ideas related to relationship impasse is the concept of attribution. Giving in means calling out your best self and offering your partner grace and acceptance. Giving in requires emotional intelligence and love for your partner, but it works because your partner is more likely to see your kindness and return the favor. Saying “yes” is an act of faith and a decision to move forward in your relationship instead of staying stuck.
Breaking the deadlock this holiday season
Remember, it is by your side that your partner wants to grow. You are co-creators of your life together. Allowing space for both partners to be happy during the holidays will breathe new life into every part of your bond, friendship, and romance throughout the year.
