This article was originally posted here.
For Muslims, there is no better example or previous ideal of a husband than Prophet Muhammad (PBUB).
He was the most loving, kind, humble, merciful, compassionate, faithful, trustworthy and generous husband ever. Indeed, his example in every aspect of life is perfect, and the list of his qualities is too numerous to enumerate.
For this reason, it is the standard that every Muslim woman should use when looking for a husband.
For Muslim men, the standards for what they should look for in an ideal wife are found in the Prophetic tradition:
A woman marries for four things, namely her property, her marital status, her beauty and her religion. So you must marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be lost.”
[Bukhari]
In addition to learning from the perfect example and advice of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), when considering potential suitors, it is helpful to outline specific qualities and issues to think about.
We have given four important tips to keep in mind:
Kindness
When you first meet someone, you may have an immediate physical attraction, but this should not be confused with love.
Love is something you have to work for. It has to be created and developed between the two of you. Kindness and giving create love. A giving and kind love is based on an inner connection and is more lasting. Natural attraction is an external connection and will fade over time.
Love based on giving is because you care about the person, not because you want something back in return. This gift should go both ways. Both people should give to each other from a place of compassion and care. So look for someone who is able to give and motivate you to give back. Marry a person to whom you want to give even if you get nothing back in return.
How do you know if they are loving, kind and compassionate?
Listen to them. Hear what they say, watch how they treat others, and hear how they feel when they help those in need.
Pay attention to how they treat you when you need sympathy. Are they so self-absorbed that they fail to recognize your needs, or do they face your problem and try to empathize?
If you really pay attention, you can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they talk to others and how they talk about others. Do they look down on other people, focus only on themselves and their needs? is their reaction to other people extreme?
Beware of any kind of love that lacks a sense of giving and caring.
Common Goals
It is very important to get to know yourself first and then think about whether you share common goals with your partner. Do you both have the same ideals, values, dreams and aspirations?
In essence, you should both be going in the same direction. If your partner has dreams and aspirations that go in the opposite direction than you, you cannot share a life together, even if that person is kind and giving.
You might say, “What if they don’t have goals and are willing to go in whatever direction I go”?
Be careful with this kind of thinking. Being with a person who lacks self-awareness and direction in his/her life will only complicate your life. He must mature and develop a sense of self before he can make important life-long decisions.
Many couples find themselves on the road to divorce because after the initial honeymoon phase is over, the partners begin to realize that their goals in life differ from their spouse’s. It’s important to be on the same page initially.
At the beginning of the relationship, discuss things like how many children you want to have, how you will raise them, what values you want to instill in them and what kind of lifestyle you want to have, etc.
You need to know what the other person’s goals are and really think objectively about whether those goals are compatible with yours.
Think of the whole person
Learn to appreciate the whole person including the good, the bad and the ugly. Realize that the person you are interested in has all the great qualities you enjoy as well as some you may not.
Many people enter into marriages with unrealistic expectations or an idealized sense of what a spouse is supposed to be. One spouse can be so focused on hoping that the other party will have all the wonderful qualities of a spouse without considering the possibility of any negatives. This idealized expectation is what often leads couples down the road to divorce.
Going into a marriage with the realization that people are imperfect will help you see that with all the advantages of having a great partner, there will also be some disadvantages. Knowing and preparing for this in advance can lessen the shock and help you both work together to build the relationship you want. You will never have it all in one relationship.
Ask yourself, what is most important to you?
Is it more important to have someone with whom you can have a deep and meaningful relationship or someone who will keep a nice and tidy house? You may not get both.
Is it more important to you to have a responsible and reliable partner or someone fun and adventurous? In what areas are you willing to compromise?
External appearance
Last but not least should be looks and physical attraction.
Physical attraction is not necessarily based on a standard of physical beauty. What you find beautiful may not be what your friends find beautiful, but it is important that you like the way they look. They don’t have to be physically perfect, but you should definitely like them.
And keep in mind that looks alone cannot make the relationship. What matters most is how compatible you are, how gifted each of you is in the relationship, and how much you care about each other. The fact that you both find yourself attractive is definitely important, but try to see it as the icing on the cake instead of the main ingredient.
For any relationship to succeed you must have the humility to recognize the limitations in yourself and others. We are all from God and all have flaws and shortcomings. Nobody is perfect. For this reason, you must be willing to drop the term “perfect” and settle for the “good enough” relationship and the “good enough” partner.
It is unrealistic and arrogant to think that you deserve perfection. Since you are not perfect, you should learn to accept the imperfections of others. He who thinks the world of himself is usually the one who expects the world from others.
This article was originally posted here.
