Cynthia was so angry and frustrated she could spit nails!
Her new manager at work never seemed to acknowledge her efforts to bring in new clients and in fact completely ignored her…
Her grown daughter has once again defaulted on her car payment, leaving Cynthia to pay her since she co-signed the loan…
It was getting more and more jealous of her husband’s new colleague who was young, handsome and intelligent.
He had denied any attraction to this woman, but Cynthia couldn’t get it out of her head that they would work together on projects and fall in love.
Cynthia’s subtle (or not so subtle) accusations began to drive distance between them and erode their relationship…
But he couldn’t stop.
In other words, Cynthia was an emotional mess and those closest to her had begun to notice her “short fuse” which often led to outbursts of anger.
She knew it wasn’t healthy for her or anyone around her to continue down this path, so she reached out to us for help.
While she knew that showing her anger wasn’t necessarily “bad”…
The problem was that in these outbursts of anger, he often said and did things he later regretted.
He really wanted to face all these challenges with love (and with a lot more calmness) instead of fear…
But he didn’t know how to get there or even how to start.
As we talked, here’s some of what she discovered about choosing love over fear that might help you too…
1. Know you have a choice
When you’re in the middle of what we call a “thoughtstorm” that leads you to react out of fear and in ways you later regret…
You don’t seem to see any other way to react.
This is where consciousness comes in and you see when you are acting on autopilot.
The choice is in the split second that you will see that your usual reaction is optional…
That you can make another choice.
At first, Cynthia struggled to see that she had a choice when her emotions overwhelmed her.
But as we talked, in all these upsetting circumstances, she could see the thoughts that hurt her.
She saw that she had a habit of building the worst possible scenario in each of them and acted on that belief within her.
He saw that there could be other possibilities in these circumstances.
2. Slow down and give yourself time to clarify
When you slow down, come to your senses and let the possibility take over something other than your fears…
You have the opportunity to learn more information.
As Cynthia slowed down and realized her stories that kept her stuck…
She was able to ask her daughter about paying for the lost car instead of immediately getting angry and paying for it herself.
She also saw that expecting her new manager to act in the supportive ways her previous manager had done was causing her frustration and resentment.
He saw that she was pushing him away, making the situation even worse.
Eventually, she saw that focusing so much attention on the fear that her husband would leave her for his new bestie had sucked the fun and intimacy out of their relationship.
When she suggested to her husband a weekend getaway for the two of them, he was pleasantly surprised that it didn’t turn into another baseless accusation.
When she slowed down, she saw her role in creating these problematic situations and decided to make other choices.
3. Choose to love yourself instead of the illusion of protecting yourself
When you are in the middle of an emotionally overwhelming situation…
Maybe you think you are protecting yourself by keeping your fear alive…
But the truth is that all this is an illusion.
Fear keeps you from the connection and love you really want.
Cynthia realized that she thought that by constantly asking her husband about his colleague, she was somehow protecting herself from the pain.
She saw the illusion of this so-called “protection” and how it actually damaged her relationship by rekindling her fear and making it that much bigger.
That doesn’t mean you ignore what’s in front of you…
But it does mean that allowing the vision of a dreaded future to overwhelm you will pretty much guarantee that the future will actually happen.
She realized that she didn’t believe the stories she had made up about her daughter, her manager and her husband and was keeping herself in a stressful situation…
She didn’t love herself the way she wanted to.
