This article was originally published on Counseling Healing Moments.
Note: All names and characters are fictional, but resemble similar interactions real couples have.
Understanding your partner’s dreams is a powerful way to make them feel known and seen.
In the 1-minute clip above, Dr. John Gottman shares the advice he gave a romantic partner to improve their marriage in just 30 seconds. He suggested the key was honoring his wife’s dreams. Inspired by this advice, the partner went home and asked his wife, “What are your dreams?” To his delight, she replied, “I thought you’d never ask.”
One of the basic foundations of a secure romantic relationship is called a Secure Base. According to attachment theory, a secure base is an attachment figure that provides a foundation of encouragement. This support allows for exploration and celebration of adventure, building the confidence to go out into the world and pursue new activities, even if they seem daunting, such as chasing a dream.
“A secure base is not a fortress. It’s a launching pad, a trampoline that allows you to reach out, explore, take risks, knowing you can count on the support and security of your partner’s love.” – Sue Johnson
Meet Sarah and Alex, a couple with two children struggling to establish a secure base in their relationship:
Sarah and Alex sit on opposite sides of the couch, tension palpable in the air.
Scree: [Frustrated] I can’t believe you always sabotage my dreams! Every time I share my goals with you, you find a way to criticize or dismiss them.
Alex: [Defensive] Well, maybe if your dreams weren’t so unrealistic and impractical, I wouldn’t need to say anything. It’s like living in a fantasy world!
Sarah: How can you say that? I thought you were supposed to be my partner, my biggest supporter. Instead, I feel like you tear me down every chance you get.
Alex: Maybe if you’d listen to reason for once instead of chasing wild dreams, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I’m sick of your unrealistic expectations.
[The tension rises as Sarah and Alex exchange hurtful words, unable to find common ground.]
This intense exchange is a negative pattern of criticism and defensiveness that pushes partners further apart, leaving them feeling unsupported, unseen, and uncared for. They feel more like enemies, then life partners. From the outside it is sad because both partners long for each other to support their dreams.
As Dr. Gottman shared above, honoring your partner’s dreams and having your partner honor yours enriches your relationship.
The importance of a secure base in romantic relationships
According to attachment theory, here are some ways to create a secure base in your intimate relationships:
- 1️⃣ Support Personal Aspirations: Be there for your partner, supporting their hobbies, career aspirations and personal activities. Show them you’re their biggest fan.
- 2️⃣ Engage in meaningful conversations: Ask questions to really understand what makes your partner’s goals and dreams meaningful to them. Show genuine interest and curiosity about their aspirations.
- 3️⃣ Active listening: When your partner shares their hopes and dreams, listen carefully and remember them. Follow their dreams and show your commitment to their growth and happiness.
- 4️⃣ Sharing interests: Interested in your partner’s studies or communities. Show that you value their intellectual pursuits and encourage them to explore new areas of interest.
- 5️⃣ Celebrating Resilience: Recognize and celebrate your partner’s ability to overcome challenges and bring out their strength. Be their unwavering source of faith and support.
In couples therapy at Counseling Healing Momentsthe couple managed to slow down and start sharing their feelings more gently with each other:
Scree: [Voice breaking] I thought we were in this together, that we would support each other no matter what. But it’s like you don’t believe in me or my dreams.
Alex: [Regretful] I’m sorry if I was dismissive. I guess I’ve been so consumed by my own fears and insecurities that I took you out.
Sarah: It’s not just for me, Alex. It’s about us, our dreams as a couple. I need to feel that you are by my side, cheering me on, even when things seem challenging.
Alex: I understand now. I don’t want to hold you back. I want to be there for you, listen to you and support you in pursuing your dreams, even if I don’t fully understand them.
[Sarah and Alex take a deep breath and decide to approach the conflict with empathy and understanding.]
Despite the painful conflict, Sarah and Alex recognized the need to rebuild their connection and create a safe space for vulnerability and support.
In the session, Sarah and Alex engage in a heartfelt conversation expressing their feelings, fears and aspirations, tuning into each other’s inner worlds.
As Sarah and Alex began to mend their relationship and build a secure base, something beautiful happened. They realized that by nurturing their connection, they could pursue their dreams and goals with new confidence and support.
By embracing the principles of attachment theory and nurturing their secure base, Sarah and Alex found that their relationship became a springboard to pursue their dreams. They learned that with a secure base, they could face challenges and achieve their goals, knowing that they had the undivided support of their partner by their side.
“In a secure relationship, you don’t have to choose between attachment and autonomy. You can have both.” -Dr. Sue Johnson
