One of the most disappointing comments I’ve ever received goes something like this: “I wish I had slept with my husband before marriage so I would have known if we were sexually compatible.” I see at least three major mistakes in this statement:
- I’m sorry you did correctly thing (see What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?)
- The belief that premarital sex, at a certain point in time, would provide sufficient information about physical intimacy in the future
- Embracing “sexual compatibility,” the idea that your libido, body, and preferences either match or don’t
I don’t even know where we got this concept of sexual compatibility, because it certainly isn’t in the Bible. Instead, the overwhelming message in the Bible is that loving well and prioritizing physical intimacy are prerequisites for mutually satisfying sex in marriage. God’s plan for great sex in marriage lands in this category of Simple to Understand, Hard to Do Consistently.
Thinking that there is some magic formula or that couples are either a match or a mismatch simply creates obstacles to progress in your marriage sex life! Let’s talk about a better perspective.
Are we firm or malleable?
Congratulations to Carol Dweck, a psychologist from Stanford University, who coined the term “growth mindset.” Way back in the late 1980s, he began to examine two perspectives that students used to measure themselves in relation to performance: the view that personal characteristics were largely stable or that they were malleable. For example, two students who failed a test may come to different conclusions:
- “I failed because I’m stupid” (fixed)
- “I failed because I didn’t study effectively, but I can learn” (flexible)
This can also be true of success – where the fixed view is that someone succeeds because they are innately smart or capable (fixed) or because they worked hard and overcame challenges (malleable). Dweck called this malleable view a “growth mindset” and suggested it causes less overall stress and leads to a more successful life.
Sounds like common sense, right? If you believe that your efforts are not as relevant to how things are going for you, you will not want to put in as much effort and experience more stress, at least in those areas where success does not come easily. But we often believe this fixed version of ourselves and others.
How does this relate to sex?
Later researchers examined the issue of fixed versus malleable perspectives on sexual desire and satisfaction. At least 5 studies have reached conclusions worth considering:
- The title of a 2017 study by four Hungarian psychologists sums up their findings perfectly:The pervasive role of sexual mindset: Beliefs about sex life flexibility are associated with higher levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction and lower levels of problematic pornography use.”
- Another 2017 study by seven psychologists noted that “high sexual development individuals believe that sexual satisfaction is achieved through hard work and effort, while high sexual destiny individuals believe that sexual satisfaction is achieved by finding a compatible sexual partner.” to show that “those with higher sexual development beliefs experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction and have partners who are more satisfied.” (How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relational well-being)
- A 2018 study by two psychologists in Canada focused on how women deal with sexual problems by explicitly priming their subjects with either fixed or malleable views and then asking how they would respond to sexual challenges. “Results from both studies showed that women started with entity [fixed] Theoreticians who expected to face a sexual desire problem reported significantly more negative coping than women who gradually began to face [growth] theories”. (Viewing sexual desire as fixed versus fluid: The impact of implicit beliefs on coping with women’s sexual desire problems)
- A 2021 study by 5 (female) psychologists wanted to know the impact of sharing information about sexual development with couples experiencing clinically low sexual desire and arousal for the woman. Their research concluded that “endorsing greater sexual growth beliefs was associated with higher sexual desire for both partners, while, with some exceptions, endorsing greater sexual fate beliefs was associated with lower sexual desire and relationship satisfaction, more conflict and more depressive and anxiety symptoms. .” (By the way, the results didn’t hold up a year later, suggesting that a sexual growth mindset needs to be regularly cultivated.) (Navigating Women’s Low Desire: Sexual Development and Destiny Beliefs and Couple Well-Being)
- A 2021 study by three psychologists from Rutgers and Duke examined how a growth mindset affected sensitivity to sexual rejection. that is, “the tendency to anxiously anticipate and react to perceived interpersonal rejection.” The results showed that “Participants who perceived their partner to have a fixed mindset tended to have higher sexual rejection sensitivity, and those with higher sexual rejection sensitivity tended to have lower sexual satisfaction.” (Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction)
In case you’re wondering how you might have answered some of these surveys, here’s a sample of statements that participants were asked to agree or disagree (on a scale) with:
- Everyone is a certain kind of sexual partner and there’s not much they can do to really change that.
- The type of sexual partner is someone, it is something basic for him and he cannot change much.
- People can do things differently, but the important part of who they are as a sexual partner can’t really be changed.
- An unsatisfying sex life suggests that the relationship was never meant to be.
(PDF) Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction
You’re not the only one with an opinion.
Maybe you’ve come this far and want to shout out to this post or to me or to the universe, “I have a positive growth mindset! It’s my wife who thinks things can’t get any better!’ Well said, friend. Indeed, the fifth study mentioned above looked not only at the individual’s mindset, but also at their partner’s mindset — both actual and perceived.
If you believe that your husband is not going to respond well to a suggestion that you try something different, you may be more sensitive to rejection and less satisfied with your sex life. Even more so if your husband Really it’s not going to respond well.
And from what I’ve seen, quite a few less cooperative husbands seem to have a fixed view of their sexuality but expect their spouse to change. Or at least drop the subject.
So yes, hands up in surrender, I hear you. I know this is true for some of you. And it’s frustrating, disappointing, even heartbreaking for you.
But looking at all this research, a few things stood out to me:
We are often not as good at reading our spouse as we think. For example, men tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in sex, while women tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in foreplay. We may also read into our spouse’s reactions more resistance or rejection than is actually there.
For many, a healthy sexual growth mindset must be developed. You can’t expect someone who thinks sexual interest or satisfaction is largely stable to just wake up one day and see everything differently. Sharing a growth mindset can have a positive impact, but it won’t last if it isn’t regularly nurtured to maturity.
If we really believe in this growth mindset, we should consider what we ourselves need to change. For example, I have heard from many men who use porn and yet wonder why their wife is not willing to engage in sex in their marriage. Well, in the first study above, having a sexual growth mindset led to lower levels of problematic porn use. That’s great, but just having a growth mindset should get you there as well. And whatever other changes we really need to make to be a better friend, supporter, and lover to our spouse.
Like it or not, we are the only ones who can truly change (with God’s help). We can definitely influence our spouse and one of the best ways to do that is to change our approach in a way that causes changes on his/her end. (See who are you praying to change in your marriage?)
God calls us to grow.
If you want, you can forget about all those studies mentioned earlier and just focus on God’s Word. Because the research supports what God has said all along — we will be most satisfied and successful when we make room and effort to grow.
We constantly ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, increasing in the knowledge of God, strengthening with all power according to his glorious power, so that you may have long-suffering and long-suffering, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.
Colossians 1:9a–12
Like new-born babies, you yearn for the pure spiritual milk, that you may with it grow up to your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
1 Peter 2:2–3
Let persistence do the work for you to be you mature and complete, lacking nothing.
James 1:4
And every time the word repent used, it basically means “CHANGE!” Well, literally, it means turn around, but the idea is to start in a new direction, and the underlying assumption is that transformation is possible.
Repenting, growing and becoming a better person in the arena of sexual intimacy is my story. It’s the story of many others, too. God redeemed us, but we had to agree with Him that He could.
Maybe you’ve embraced His redemption in other areas, but do you have a growth mindset when it comes to sex? Do you want to grow in other areas that could affect sex in your marriage? What part of your life requires personal growth and God’s intervention?
