Dumping Emotional Garbage – Marriage Missions International

There are times in marriages when most of us are guilty of throwing emotional garbage at each other. I did it, my husband did it, and you and your husband probably did too. This is where something lures you into “stinky thoughts” and instead of throwing it away properly, you let your “partner” have it.

Or maybe you’re on the receiving end of your spouse’s stinky thinking. Unfortunately, when we live with another human being—irritations can very easily fly around. Unfortunately:

“It’s human nature to take our feelings out on our spouses because we look to our spouses for sympathy, comfort, and understanding when we feel overwhelmed by the stresses of life. However, if our spouses also feel overwhelmed by the stress of life at the same time, they may feel pushed off the deep end when we throw our emotions at them. Additionally, if our spouses are the source of some of our stress, we may express our feelings in very accusatory and accusatory ways, blaming our spouses for stressing us out. Of course, this never gets us anywhere, as accused spouses who are stressed themselves will simply respond defensively, often lashing out in anger.’ (Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D., in his article, “Why People Reject Their Partners”)

And then you both have a mess to deal with! It’s quite the dysfunctional cycle, isn’t it?

But what are you doing? Do you just shut up and let your spouse take his/her bad attitude out on you?

Most of the time that would be a “no”! But let God be your guide in this. We certainly can’t tell you what to do.

However, it is important to note that abuse is never right. God does not forgive it. Let’s clear this up! However, sometimes (when the action is not abusive), you can give grace and walk away to defuse the situation and not give it any extra energy. Other times, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.“

Disposing of emotional garbage

All this is in the context of another scripture (among many) that comes to mind:

“Finally, be all like-minded, be compassionate, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not return evil for evil or insult for insult. Instead, repay evil with blessing, for to this you were called to inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:8-9)

So when emotional dumping occurs, that’s when the one on the receiving end needs to prayerfully decide what is best to do with this type of conflict. You just leave or find a “meek” way to deal with it? (Remember, Jesus said:Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.And who doesn’t want to be blessed?)

Facing

Let’s be clear on the issue of confrontation. We said, “meek“not ‘weak’. Meekness is defined as ‘power under control’. It’s not about being a jerk. but it’s also not about throwing power out of control. It’s not a type of weak confrontation, but rather , one that is done in the wisest possible way, for the prevailing situation.

This definition has helped each of us many times when faced with an emotional dumping situation.

I (Cindy) vividly remember a particular situation when my husband “dumped” some feelings on me. It was a time when I had done nothing to deserve it. I really thought about that definition and stood up a little taller and said softly but firmly, “Obviously it’s none of my business. I did nothing to deserve your anger. Do you want to talk about what’s making you angry or do you just need some space?”

Steve just stood there stunned. And then he backtracked and confessed what was going on. He then apologized. At that point we talked about the whole thing in a very unifying way.

Now let me tell you first, Steve doesn’t usually treat me like this. In fact, I’m more often the one who tends to “hit” than he is. But this particular situation was actually a turning point for both of us. We both learned from it. Both of us have learned to be more”meek” in how we react since this happened. We are not so quick to growl back. Instead, we try to give each other more grace and space when one or both of us need it. We’re not always perfect at it, but that’s our goal.

Sometimes it’s better to counter, sometimes it’s better to wait to counter (when the timing is better), and other times it’s better to let it go.

Telling the Truth

But when you face, make sure your purpose is to “speak the truth with love” (in other words, motivated by love for Christ and for one another).

Unfortunately, you can’t always avoid conflict in your marriage, nor should you. As author Paul Coughlin explains:

“Conflict is the price you pay for intimacy. Read that sentence again and let it sink in. If you want to truly connect with other people, you have to risk conflict by being honest and firm in addition to being kind and loving. It’s that combination of “salty and sweet”. And although it is not a popular message, the risk of conflict in speaking the truth in love is part of following Christ. This is what the real Jesus created for us. He didn’t shy away from necessary conflicts if those interactions could possibly lead to a more authentic, intimate relationship. And he always told the truth in love.” (From the Crosswalk.com article, Friendships and Family: How Nice Wrecks Your Relationships)

With that, however, there are sometimes husbands who abuse when confronted or confronted. (We have one Abuse in marriage topic which could be a good starting point to help you in these kinds of situations.)

However, for those of you who are not dealing with abusive situations, make it a point to face love or give some grace and space when appropriate. (This is hard to remember to do when we should, but it can certainly be beneficial when we do.) Your spouse may need your encouragement in some way.

We are told in Isaiah 35:3 to “Encourage the weary and strengthen the weak.Applying this verse to your marriage, April Motl (from the Crosswalk.com article, “Making your wedding a safe place“) gives the following challenge for consideration.

She writes:

“Has your honey gone bad? Find a way to tangibly stand beside him/her to encourage and empower them. Maybe it’s some time away from the responsibilities of life, a rub on the shoulders, making and cleaning up dinner, or just listening to them process life.”

There is no doubt that it is not always possible to do this, but when it is appropriate, give the kind of love and grace that you would like to receive from your spouse. Give what you have received from Christ.

Closing

We want to give you a little more information. We realize that what we’ve written above may or may not work for you in your marriage (or some of the incidents in your marriage, such as emotional dumping). Let’s face it, every wedding is different. Therefore, we encourage you to prayerfully read the following related articles to see if you can learn more advice from you can use.

You definitely don’t want to let trash build up between you and your spouse. It can tear you apart. Unfortunately, as Dr Carol points out:

“Each of you brought old things into the marriage that irritate and hurt each other and limit the intimacy and connection between you. You misunderstand each other and your old hurtful ways of coping come out and hurt each other all over again. You are certain that your spouse is failing, and you are also failing your spouse.

“If you don’t deal with such marriage debris, it will start to stink like an overflowing garbage can. It might stink already. Neither stuffing it nor throwing it at your husband will work. So what can you do to deal with the junk your marriage is accumulating?”

Hopefully the following articles can help you:

• Get rid of the junk your marriage has accumulated

• Emotional dumping: How to avoid taking unfair anger out on your partner

And if you want some tips to help you rebuild your love after you get rid of some of that junk:

• 8 Ways to Eliminate Emotional Baggage and Rebuild Love

We pray this all helps.

And, in the way you react to emotional dumping:

“May the God of peace, who through the blood of the everlasting covenant raised from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with every good thing to do His will, and may He do in to us all that pleases Him, through Jesus Christ to whom be glory forever and ever.” (Hebrews 13:20-21)

Cindy and Steve Wright

– ADDITIONALLY –

To help you further, we give many personal stories, humor and more practical advice in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to grow your marriage. We hope you’ll pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both online and in print.) Plus, it makes a great gift for someone else. It gives you an opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or image below:

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