Going to marriage counseling is a significant investment of time and money. And the last thing anyone wants to do is waste. So, how do you know if you need marriage counseling?
Here are ten things to consider to help you make a wise decision.
Every marriage needs other people around it to thrive
Every couple in every season should have another person or couple with access and freedom to talk to about the issues you and your spouse are facing. Every couple. Not just couples in deep conflict. Not just engaged couples in premarital counseling. Every couple in every season.
This includes you.
Sometimes this “team” approach to marriage is in response to the need for coordination. And sometimes, this is in response to a major issue, hurt or sinful habit. But your marriage needs other people around it to thrive and be all God wants it to be.
This includes close pairs of friends who talk about your everyday issues. But in my experience, there are very few couple-friend relationships that can do the counseling when needed.
To be clear, I’m not saying that every couple needs to see a counselor every week or month to be healthy. But I think every couple should have a pre-existing relationship with a counselor so they have someone to call when a time of greater need arises.
Your marriage is not broken because you need marriage counseling. Your marriage is normal. And being willing to admit that you need some help from time to time is healthy and wise.
Your marriage is not broken because you need marriage counseling. Your marriage is normal. And being willing to admit that you need some help from time to time is healthy and wise.
Marriage problems don’t go away on their own
Every marriage that has ever existed has faced problems. The goal is not to be problem free, but to deal with your problems well. Dealing with your problems recognizes that they usually don’t go away on their own. They require both parties to face the problems and work with them. And sometimes, with a 3rd party.
I can guarantee it: the issues in your marriage will be MUCH easier to untangle and deal with the sooner you deal with them. Problems left unaddressed will make your marriage very unstable.
You have been married for 1-3 years
If you’ve only been married a few years and your dream wedding has turned into a nightmare, make an appointment for counseling right away. Don’t let feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, shame, embarrassment, thoughts of failure, or even thoughts of being wrong stop you from seeking help. Marriage can be hard at times, but the early years can be even harder as you learn to live with someone 24/7.
Establishing a relationship with a trusted counselor is one of the wisest decisions a young couple can make for their marriage.
You have lost that feeling of love
The presence of love is the number 1 reason people get married, but the absence of it is the number 1 reason people get divorced.
Maybe there hasn’t been an affair, abuse, or abandonment in your marriage, but you feel distant from your spouse. The spark is gone. Romance has become routine. Excitement has turned to boredom. Your love for each other has faded.
Every marriage will have seasons of love that will be hot, cold and everything in between. But if love has been cold for a long time, it might be time to get help to make sure your cold season doesn’t turn into an extended winter season.
Most cold spells can be reversed with minor modifications if treated early. But when you wait for a difficult season to turn itself around, it becomes much more difficult to revive things.
Recurring unresolved conflict
Star and I eat, breathe, sleep and sweat marriage. We are wedding nerds. We love wedding books, wedding conferences, podcasts, etc… But as much wedding material as we consume and create, and as many couples as we counsel, we still need outside help from time to time.
Certain issues have continued to cause too much division between us at times. When these inevitable issues and seasons occur, we have a couple and a counselor we call on for help. Typically, but not always, 1 or 2 sessions with this couple or counselor results in opening our eyes to certain areas and resolving what was separating us.
Is there a recurring issue that you and your spouse fight about regularly? If so, make an appointment for marriage counseling.
Regular or increasing feelings of loneliness or isolation
A feeling of loneliness plagues so many people. The worst is when this loneliness is experienced within a marriage. The last place on earth you should feel alone is your relationship with your spouse. A husband and wife should pursue the same flesh in all areas of their lives. They should be intimate, connected, and one flesh spiritually, emotionally, and physically. One of our primary goals in marriage is to remove our spouse’s loneliness. If you are experiencing isolation in your marriage, something is wrong.
If you have communicated your feelings to your spouse, or if your spouse has communicated his feelings to you and things have not improved, it may be time to seek help.
Left unchecked, loneliness can slowly turn into isolation. The sooner you deal with these feelings, the easier it will be to unpack, unravel and reconnect.
Trust is broken
If you or your spouse have broken trust or have a pattern of breaking trust in an important area (emotionally, sexually, or financially), schedule an appointment right away.
If you’re reading this and you’ve broken trust but haven’t confessed to your spouse yet, come alone right now to talk about what to disclose and how to confess.
How you handle confession, forgiveness, and healing in the early stages of a significant hurt greatly predicts your success in dealing with betrayal. Be sure to schedule an appointment right away.
You are thinking about it
I know I’m biased (since I’m in the business), but if you’re thinking about marriage counseling, you should probably go ahead and sign up. It’s better to do it when you “don’t need it” than not to do it and wish you did after things get progressively worse.
Most of the high-conflict couples we see for counseling, my team and I have waited a long time to come. Counseling is much more difficult when there is a significant accumulation of unresolved wounds and deeply destructive patterns of behavior to untangle.
So if you’re thinking of coming, register now. Marriage counseling is most effective when it is proactive as opposed to reactive.
You think you have what it takes
Star and I had been dating for about 18 months when we found out we were pregnant. I immediately told her that I wanted to get married. I thought, “I got this! How hard can marriage be?’ Star wasn’t quite ready to tie the knot, but my confidence was convincing. Despite the advice of our family and friends, we got married three months later.
Before marriage, I got along with most people and most people liked me. I was a cheerful type of guy. I made decent grades, did well in sports, and accomplished everything I put my mind to. I considered myself competent and capable.
So of course, when my marriage started to unravel, I pulled up my boots and did what I felt I had to do to fix it – on my own. Things would improve for a while, but Star and I would eventually fall back into our same patterns. This destructive dance has led us to the precipice of divorce.
Here’s the bottom line. If you think you have what it takes to make marriage the way God designed it, you either have a very low bar or you don’t understand what God desires (Rob Reinow). You may be able and capable and have achieved almost everything in life up to this point. But with love, you don’t have what it takes for your marriage to be everything God desires. No one does.
If you think you have what it takes to make marriage the way God designed it, you either have the bar too low, or you don’t understand what God wants.
Rob Reinow
Confidence can deceptively turn into pride which can lead to independence. And not only is independence the enemy of intimacy in your marriage, it can also be a barrier to reaching out to someone else for help when you need it most.
Your husband is thinking about it
My wife, Star, begged me to go to counseling for six months before I finally reluctantly went. When I say reluctantly, I only went after my wife left and my parents forced me to go to counseling (by myself) in exchange for a place to live. I didn’t think we needed advice and minimized and ignored my wife’s desire to go. This mindset almost destroyed my marriage.
If your husband thinks you need marriage counseling, there’s a problem. The problem may be with them or the problem may be with you. Or, the problem could be both of you (probably true). But please hear me loud and clear. There is a problem. If either of you feel you need marriage counseling, there is an issue that needs to be discussed and cleared up with a 3rd party.
Husband or wife: if your husband wants marriage counseling, please go with him. Entertain the possibility that they might see something you don’t and need to see to change your marriage.
Husband or wife: if your husband wants marriage counseling, please go with him. Entertain the possibility that they might see something you don’t and need to see to change your marriage.
Marriage counseling is cheap compared to divorce
When Star and I started going to marriage counseling together, I was making $10.49/hour. My consultant charged $125/hour (in 1996). Fortunately, I had family that was able to step in to help pay for counseling when I couldn’t. I probably wouldn’t have gone if my parents hadn’t paid for it. And it would be the biggest mistake of my life. Looking back, I would have sold EVERYTHING and done ANYTHING to go to marriage counseling as I consider marriage and family to be my go to now (click here to Pay It Forward for another couple to attend marriage counseling).
Is going to marriage counseling a significant investment of time and money? Yes. We recommend a couple see us at least 8-10 times to give us a good chance to make some positive changes and our typical rate is between $125-150 per session. This equates to an investment of $1000 – $1500.
But considering the average cost of a divorce is $15,600, marriage counseling is a bargain! Not to mention the emotional cost of divorce to you, your spouse and your children.
Marriage counseling is an investment, but it’s one of the best investments you can make in yourself, your spouse, your marriage, your family, and your legacy.
