Do you ever feel like you just can’t communicate with each other like you used to before you got married? While dating, you were able to emotionally connect with each other in meaningful and satisfying ways. But now, it’s different. Now you notice your different communication styles. Isn’t it amazing how that can change after marriage?
Part of the reason is due to the biochemicals that run through your system when you are first attracted to someone. Research shows that your brain chemistry changes over a period of time where you experience a state of heightened euphoria. Your likes and dislikes change during this time frame in importance. Eventually, the changes in chemistry settle down and the differences become more noticeable (often irritating).
Different Communication Styles
This is the “reality” stage when it becomes important to find ways to build relationship bridges that bring you together instead of erecting walls that separate you emotionally. You must work to proactively “marry” your differences in some way.
We talked about one type of communication gap in Marriage Insight, What is your communication style in your marriage? Here one spouse is an “Amplifier” and another a “Condenser”. But there is also the verbal style where one spouse communicates with “Feelings” and the other has a “real” approach. Jack and Carole Mayhall explain a few things we could all learn from about this issue written in their book, “Opposites Attack” (sadly out of print).
Here is part of what Jack and Carole write:
“I’m starting to think that the way most husbands define ‘good communication’ is roughly similar to the way most women define it. It is as similar as a giraffe is to a hippopotamus. They are both animals. But the similarity begins and ends there.
“Get a person who is emotional and subjective. Throw in their love for deep soulful conversations, then add a spouse who is objective, reasonable, and real—where their primary love language is that of care and protection. Send them to dinner for 3 hours to talk. They haven’t really spoken in quite some time. So they both start with empty communication cups. Let’s see what happens.
“It takes an hour for them to understand what’s going on at work. They catch up with their schedules, kids and friends. One of their cups is now 50% full. The other spouses have a maximum of 5% occupancy. They spend another hour discussing a problem he is having with a customer. They are thinking about what they want to do on their next vacation. And they assess the status of their financial planning. One cup is now up to 80% full and the other is 15%.
More sharing but distancing
“During their third hour they share what they learn in Bible study. And they share what they would like to see happen in the small group they belong to. Dinner is over and one cup is 90% full—and the other? It’s maybe 25% full. As they leave the restaurant, one husband thinks, “What a great time we had!” But the other husband thinks and feels, “We’ve only just begun! And now we won’t have time to really talk!” The satisfied husband says, “We’ll have to do it again next month.” The disgruntled husband says, “How about tomorrow?”
“For those of you who share feelings, I don’t need to explain what happened here. But for you fact-oriented folks, let me explain. One husband loved every minute of the 3 hour conversation. But he needed more. To fill their communication cup, part of the 3 hours should have been spent sharing the joys, sorrows, frustrations, delights and wonders of everything from problems at work, knowledge of Bible study and concerns about children.
“This husband also wants to explore his responses to each of these joys, sorrows, disappointments, delights and wonders. And the last part would be to ask the other spouse to share their feelings on these matters. Then the cup of the “loving” husband would overflow!
Facts-Person VS Feeling-Person
“Here is a terrible question for a man of facts to ask a man of feeling. “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being high, how do you feel right now about yourself as a parent, at work, as a friend, as a parent’s child, as a spouse, and in your walk with God?” Then to put the icing on the cake. Share with your spouse how you feel about one or two of the above.
“If you ask 10 couples to rate their communication success, I think in 8 or 9 cases the spouse would say, ‘We’re doing great. I would rate us at least an 8 or 9 on a scale of 10.” And the wife would look embarrassed because she rates them a 2. [Sometimes it’s the reverse, but that’s more of the tendency.] Why; It’s because most people [not all] Women believe they haven’t really communicated unless they’ve shared feelings. But especially [not all] men content themselves with reporting and discussing the facts.
“So how do you reconcile this big difference? Little by little, you expect it to take time, maybe even years, because both of you must change. The subjective, emotion-oriented person must confront, and in many cases change, his expectations.
Unrealistic expectations?
“We once asked an engaged couple’s counselor what was the difficulty he faced most often. Without a moment’s hesitation he replied, “Unrealistic expectations.” Engaged couples are not alone in this area. A married couple drove four hours to see us about some difficulties they were having. During the drive, the wife vented all her frustrations, feelings and thoughts to her husband, who listened patiently and responded.
“When they spoke to us later, he said, ‘Oh, if we could do this every day, we wouldn’t have a problem.’ Her husband rolled his eyes to the sky, and I smiled as I said, “Your husband would go crazy if he had to spend four hours every day talking about feelings.” He nodded emphatically.
“This wife had to face her unrealistic expectations. Rare is the person who can explore deep emotions for several hours a day. There are more who can do it for several hours a week, but for most event-driven people, several hours a month is more realistic. and these hours should be divided into different sections. (For this reason, I am convinced that an emotional woman needs a close friend who is like her to relieve the husband that he is the only one with whom he can explore emotions.)
Being Objective
“But while many have to deal with their own unrealistic expectations, objective people have to realize the needs not their own. They must develop a desire to satisfy these needs. And they should pray for a willingness both to listen to a spouse’s feelings and to express their own.
“This requires selflessness, because it’s hard to take the time to research and listen. But unity demands it. Sharing simple facts is just scratching the surface. The unsatisfied partner may become disgruntled and start pushing destructive buttons to get attention. [You may find it helpful to read an article written by Gary Sinclair, When Those You Love Push Your Buttons.]
“Both kinds of people need patience. Reasonable people need patience to hear things they may not be attuned to. People who feel need patience for the long process involved as the real person learns to share feelings.”
Marrying our Styles
Again, we have to “marry” our styles somehow—a give and take, so both spouses experience some kind of satisfaction.
We know the above information only scratches the surface, but if you are having trouble communicating with each other, please prayerfully consider this as a starting point. We have a lot of material on this site that can help you, and we point you to other resources to help you, too (like the one below).
May God bless your marriage even more as you lean into marrying your differences!
Cindy and Steve Wright
– ALSO –
From Crosswalk.com article, “Opposites attract and challenge each other” (written by Deborah Raney and Tobi Layton), here are some discussion questions to discuss as partners. They may help bring you closer, rather than letting your differences tear you apart:
Discussion:
Read Genesis 2:18 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 and then discuss:
– In what ways are you and your spouse opposites?
– How did these differences make you attracted to each other? Has marriage changed your perspective?
– In what ways do your differences cause conflict between you?
– Have you seen ways God uses your opposite characteristics to strengthen you individually? As a couple?
Cindy and Steve Wright
– ADDITIONALLY –
To help you further, we give many personal stories, humor and more practical advice in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to grow your marriage. We hope you’ll pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both online and in print.) Plus, it makes a great gift for someone else. It gives you an opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or image below:
ALSO:
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