Desire in long-term couples

We recently came across an article on Guardian where a man asked:

“I am 63 years old and have lost sexual attraction to my wife of 45 years. I still love her, but this was a progressive issue. I feel bad because I find other women attractive and I have struggled with him from a young age. I don’t act on it, but it’s there. I have tried going off the anti-depressant and blood pressure medicine but the results are not positive. I have tried erectile dysfunction drugs, including Viagra, but they do not create attraction. A psychologist confirmed that I have generalized anxiety but could not help with my problem. It’s not fair to my wife.”

The answer from the psychotherapist seemed somewhat helpful but was also vague. He spoke to his idea jam, a term used to describe unhealthy cohabitation or codependency in relationships, and this is certainly a potential angle to explore. However, as a solution, just creating space and redefining boundaries between the couple probably won’t bring back the lust that creates sexual closeness and hard cock. Therefore, I decided to blog about how I would deal with this issue if this couple were present in my office.

This is a common struggle that long-term couples may experience at one point or another in their sex lives. I would start by suggesting that both he and his wife share honestly with each other about what is real about their sex lives right now. Although it can be disconcerting, being honest is the first step towards change. Additionally, here are some questions to explore together:

• How does each of these keep the importance of sex play in the relationship?
• When was the last time they felt intimacy with each other?
• Are they happy with the way things are? – he clearly isn’t, although we don’t know how he feels.
• Is this what they imagined marriage would be like after 45 years?

Allowing each person to express what is really happening to them will take some of the stress out and reduce the tension. It will also give them a good starting point to start future discussions.

Assuming both people want to be closer, the next step would be to start exploring”basic love topics.” by Jack Morin The Erotic Mind is a great place to read more about key love topics and learn about yours. When we truly understand our eroticism, then we can share it with our partners and see how and where they align. Keep in mind that your eroticism is also constantly evolving. What I often see with couples is that one person has a core theme (sometimes I call it a “sex movie script”) that they’ve never shared with anyone. They’ve been holding back what really turns them on because they feel ashamed and embarrassed about what makes their engines roar.

Sharing our top turns can be a vulnerable experience. Because of this, most people will hide them from their partners for fear of being judged or simply not wanting to shake up their relationship. If you’re asking your partner to share their turns, make sure you’re listening from a non-judgmental space. In other words, let your eyes, mouth and face soften, get comfortable so you can relax where you are sitting or lying down and let yourself listen to the story. If your partner is afraid to share, they will pick up on any indication of rejection from you. If you notice a part of you judging, you might say something like, “Wow, I notice that I’m surprised to hear you say some of these things. I didn’t know it was what/how you wanted me. I hear how scared/tough/excited/you are and I feel nervous/afraid/threatened/worried/concerned.” It’s okay if their desires make you uncomfortable. You don’t want to make your partner feel wrong or ashamed for having these desires, because that will push them further away. There can also be room for different core love themes in a relationship and remember that there are no bad desires. Learn how to ask for what you want as well as listen to your partner’s wishes here.

Once you get an idea of ​​what has been standing in the way of you and your partner’s sexual connection, you can begin to explore how to change it. For example, a couple I was working with had disconnected sexually and both wanted to get back to having the incredible sex they had when they first met. As we explored each person’s core love theme, we found that one person loved romance while the other wanted rougher sex. You can see how these two movies would play very differently. When each person fully understood the other’s film, they were both quite happy and easily learned how to fulfill the other’s wishes. They each even found things about the other’s film that they wanted for themselves.

However, the process is not always that simple. When one partner isn’t really into the other’s core love interest or has very different desires, things can get a little rough and sometimes, yes, that can lead to the end of a relationship. You have to ask yourself if it’s better to live a partial truth and stay together or be fully yourself right now and risk losing someone. Each person must answer this question for themselves.

I think being who you really are is what the psychotherapist in the Guardian article was trying to convey. it just wasn’t entirely clear. Recently, Esther Perel has spoken on this matter that it is different and therefore allows the creation of love energy. I believe that when we are truly ourselves, we are not like anyone else. This creates more space in the relationship for each person to fully express themselves and may actually be a contributing factor in how partners stay close over the decades.

An example of different main love themes are highlighted in the film Fetish. In this documentary, you hear from a few different people who have come forward with their very illicit desires/fetishes/concentrations. Their desires are far beyond what most people would be willing to admit to themselves. The truth is that we all have things that turn us on that are not considered politically correct. Some people know about theirs and are out about them, some know about theirs and hide them, while many others suppress them so much that they will never see the light of day. A man in the film highlights how he shared with his wife what his vice was. Her response was to tell him to satisfy his needs outside of the relationship and that she didn’t want to know. So, as you can see in the film, he does and satisfies his sexual needs elsewhere.

The last part of the question to consider is the reference “I find other women attractive and I’ve struggled with him from a young age.” This is an important area for this man to explore with himself. What does he find attractive about other women? Are they women on the streets they pass, female friends with whom he is close, or colleagues? Who is he attracted to and what kind of attraction is it? It is normal and healthy to feel sexual desire for many different people. What is important to consider is why and how much his fantasies play out. At this point, we’re not sure if he’s acted on those wishes or if they were just fleeting moments of fantasy.

I think of this idea like winning the lottery. Of course we all want to win the lottery, wouldn’t that be amazing! You could buy whatever you want, pay off your debt, eat at fancy restaurants, do whatever you want. You probably think more about winning the lottery when things get tough at work or when money gets tight. There can be a similar effect on relationships. the grass is always greener somewhere else. When your needs seem less and less likely to be met, it’s normal to fantasize that someone else will be able to provide what you want.

Examining your sexual relationship in the way presented above requires more energy in the relationship and in your own experience of desire, like exercising muscles you haven’t used in a while. You also need to be open to seeing what your needs and your partner’s needs really are and be willing to start a conversation around them that will allow you to move toward each other. In my professional opinion, few sexual problems are fixed by diverting your energy and spending more time apart.

Also posted on BetterSexEd

Featured image of the couple courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos

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