Do you feel like you just can’t understand what your spouse is saying or thinking? Do you wish you had a decoding device to translate these mysteries? That would be nice, but even if you had one, you might find the following to be true:
“Even if a man could understand women, he still wouldn’t believe it.” (AW Brown)
Men often joke that they will never understand women. And as true as that may be, you have to admit that men don’t understand easily either.
Decoding each other’s language
I (Stephanos) know that even after almost 52 years of marriage, Cindy still has a hard time deciphering some of what I say. And I’m definitely having trouble deciphering some of what he’s saying. We misunderstand the message and intent of what the other person is trying to say.
Now, we would love to tell you that we have learned how to decode each other’s language and are no longer in conflict. But we can’t say that. Just today we had a fight (and decoding each other’s language would have prevented it). But what we can say is that we’ve both gotten better at working through our misunderstandings. And that’s only happened because we’ve worked on it.
With that in mind, Cindy and I came up with some examples of different language codes. We didn’t even realize how confusing these “languages” can be to others! But we know now (because we’ve talked about it ever since). While some may make you smile, we hope you share them, you can learn from them…much faster than we can.
And yes, we know that sometimes these male/female paradigms are reversed. We get it. This is just a “trend” of how language code often goes. It is not made of stone. And if what we present doesn’t apply to your wedding, then that’s okay. But look to see what you think might be true. (And then talk about it, or at least laugh about it?)
MALE LANGUAGE CODE:
• When I say, “I can’t find it,” I REALLY mean it: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands. So, I’m clueless and upset.”
• When I say, “it’s manly,” I REALLY mean: “There’s no pattern of rational thought attached to it, and you have no chance of making sense of it. So please just accept it.”
• “Can I help with dinner?” It REALLY means, “Why isn’t dinner on the table already?” (I admit I’ve been guilty of this in the past. But more recently I REALLY mean it when I say, “How can I help with dinner.” I’ve learned that Cindy works just as hard – if not harder throughout the day. It’s not her responsibility to make sure I’m fed every night when I get home from work.)
• If I say, “It would take a long time to explain,” I REALLY mean, “I have no idea how it works.”
• Exercise has been a big topic recently, so I’ll probably say, “I’ve been exercising more lately.” However, this will probably be more accurate if interpreted as: “The batteries in the remote are dead and I need to go to the TV and change the channel.”
• When I do something and say, “What do you think?” I REALLY mean, “I’m fishing for a compliment, and I’m hoping for nothing more than that!”
FEMALE LANGUAGE CODE:
• When I say “Nothing” when you ask me “what’s wrong?” what me REALLY The medium is: “MUCH… and please keep trying to get the answer out of me—no matter how much I resist.”
• When a woman says, “Kids drive me crazy!” What he’s really saying is, “Can you please give me a long (non-sexual) hug and tell me you’ll take care of the kids for a while? And then tell me to go somewhere away from the kids to relax.”
• When I say, “Could you go with me to…” what I REALLY mean is, “I really, really, REALLY want you to go with me to this location. And if you say “Sure!” you willingly (and then show patience along the way) gave me a gift of love, more than you’ll ever understand.”
• When I say, “The yard is a mess…” I REALLY mean, “Please clean it up without me having to ask you directly again. I’ll be thrilled if you do.”
• When a woman tells you at any time at your wedding that she loves it when you bring her flowers what she is REALLY saying is, “Surprise me! Love me enough to bring flowers to my house periodically. (If you need to secretly pencil reminders into your planner throughout the year to make this happen, then DO IT.)
• When I say, “Could you ask that person over there about…”, what I REALLY mean is, “PLEASE go over there and ask that person. It is very important to me.”
• When I say, “Could we stop for ice cream?” what I’m REALLY saying is, “I want (or need) ice cream right now. Please, take us to take YOU too!”
Practical advice for both men and women:
So, here’s what this Marriage Insight is all about (if you haven’t already guessed):
“Don’t hint, sigh or sulk when you want something done! Usually, our spouse has NO idea what we want, even though you think they should!” (Sandra Aldrich)
Be a dispenser of grace and say what you mean and do what you must.
And if you’re a little confused about what your spouse is asking — just ASK! (Hopefully more grace is given if you ask more than once.)
Solomon also offers some great advice on communication in Proverbs (that he probably learned the hard way). Here are some we learned from our study of Proverbs:
• Let the wise listen and add to their learning. and let the discerning get guidance. (Proverbs 1:5)
• Discretion will protect you. and understanding will keep you. (Proverbs 2:11)
• Although it cost everything you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)
• The wise in heart are called clairvoyant. and pleasant words promote teaching. (Proverbs 16:21)
• A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but enjoys expressing his own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2)
• Do not forsake wisdom, and it will protect you. love her and she will take care of you. Wisdom is supreme. Therefore, acquire wisdom. Although it cost everything you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:6-7)
We hope this information will help you live with one another in a respectful, tactful, Christ-honoring way “you consider each other more important than yourself.“
And to help you a little more:
Here are some articles you may benefit from reading:
• Body language speaks volumes
• Language Courses for Marriage
May your marriage be blessed!
Steve and Cindy Wright
– ADDITIONALLY –
To help you further, we give many personal stories, humor and more practical advice in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to grow your marriage. We hope you’ll pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both online and in print.) Plus, it makes a great gift for someone else. It gives you an opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or image below:
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