Are the 5 Love Languages Backed by Science? New research debunks them and suggests they may even be harmful to some relationships.
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A recent article published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science concluded that the 5 love languages are not supported by empirical scientific evidence. Do love languages really matter? Or are they really harmful?
Debunking the 5 Love Languages
Thirty years ago, Baptist minister, Gary Chapman wrote The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Lasting Love. This book has sold more than 20 million copies in many languages. As a dating and relationship coach, I have taught about love languages as a way to better understand how we give and receive love. So why are scientists skeptical now? First, let’s see what the love languages are…
What are the 5 love languages?
1. Words of affirmation (complimenting, saying nice things to each other)
2. Gifts (giving gifts big or small)
3. Acts of service (helping your partner with chores or other means of support)
4. Quality time (spending time and doing things together)
5. Physical touch (hugs, kisses or sex)
What’s up with Love Languages?
1. Humans don’t really have a primary love language
Findings suggest that most people connect in all love languages, so finding a primary love language is very difficult.
2. There are more than 5 love languages
Research shows that there are additional love languages, such as conflict resolution and social skills. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute, says there are hundreds of love languages, including “being on time, creating interests together, learning things together, and more.”
3. Sharing the same love language may not improve your relationship
If you don’t speak the same love language as your partner, is your relationship at risk? Research shows that receiving any expression of love is linked to better relationships, even if your love languages don’t match.
John Gottman says that learning your partner’s love language is not a sign of relationship satisfaction. He says, “My overall conclusion is that these dimensions are not very distinct conceptually, nor are they very important in terms of accounting for variance in marital happiness and sexual satisfaction.”
Chapman disagrees
He says couples come up to him all the time to tell him that love languages saved their marriage. He believes some of the research criticizing love languages is too literal. It stands alongside the five love languages that are fundamental to human nature and how we give and receive love.
Is this the end of love languages?
Love languages are still an effective way to start conversations between partners about their needs. However, John Gottman believes that couples should focus less on love languages and ask each other, “What can I do to make you feel more loved now?”
What do you think; Are love languages a thing of the past, or can we think of them differently, as a way to open up a conversation and meet each other’s needs to feel loved by a partner?
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