Author: Chloë Hylkema
Editor: Lilian Castro
The short version: Susan McCord is the voice and expertise behind it Dear Sybersue, the online hub for divorcing men and women. Dear Sybersue is a certified coach, published author and relationship advice show host. Susan talked to us about the issues she often notices when people end a relationship and what they can do to make the process a little easier. By taking responsibility and learning from unpleasant relationship experiences, people dealing with the end of a relationship can transform themselves into better daters – and become versions of themselves.
I remember watching romantic comedies as a pre-teen and feeling like they were all pretty dramatic. I assumed, like many 12-year-olds, that these movies overdramatized the moving parts of breakups. I thought a breakup was rather unpleasant, but I wasn’t convinced it would ever force someone to cry inconsolably in the bathtub while drinking wine.
It turns out that breakups are often so devastating, and crying in the bathtub isn’t far from what feels appropriate while processing the end of a relationship. As messy as breakups are, there is often self-improvement and growth waiting on the other side of the breakup.
As long as you can get over it. Many people who have experienced a recent break-up need extra advice and support to get through this difficult time in their lives. People at the end of a long-term relationship usually need even more support as they adjust to the logistics of a breakup.
Seeking the advice of a professional is a helpful avenue to explore if you’re struggling to come to terms with an unhealthy relationship or want to regain your confidence after losing the one you thought was The One. Breakup experts can help you understand past relationship patterns and process the emotional storm that comes with a breakup.
Susan McCordotherwise known as Dear Sybersue, helps men and women going through divorce every day. It takes a no-nonsense approach to helping people take responsibility for their past relationships and forge a future filled with the love they’ve been looking for, all within an easily accessible online platform.
“When you’re stuck at a replay point, it’s always helpful to talk to someone about it,” Susan said. “Repetitive thinking can happen when we break up. It’s always good to get other valuable information and not just rely on your own, because sometimes we choose things because of our past experiences instead of something that might serve us better.”
How to handle heartbreak healthily
Susan talks to a lot of people who have gotten out of a relationship and are in the early stages of a breakup. “The first thing I find, with men and women, is that there’s a little bit of tiredness that comes from the end of a relationship,” she said. “They regret their decision to go out with the person they did because they’ve been hurt so much and it’s painful.”
It’s normal to harbor some regrets at the end of a relationship, but Susan urges people to reexamine why they feel regret. “I never want people to regret experiences in life. You have to take some responsibility for the relationships you’ve had,” he said. “A lot of people want to play the blame game, but you can only move forward after facing your weaknesses.”
When people take responsibility for their role in past relationships and identify areas for improvement in future ones, healing can begin. Susan said that breakups cause unpleasant feelings, and many of those feelings happen because breakups often signal some kind of rejection.
And rejection is hard.
“That feeling of rejection makes breakups very difficult for people,” Susan said. “We all have a bit of an ego and when our ego is bruised we cannot function at our best. It also makes it difficult to move forward.”
Susan said that when people can accept their past relationships and experiences and not allow their ego to control them, they can begin to rebuild after a relationship ends.
Susan said that healing from a breakup is a baby process. “Every little bit of coming to terms with a breakup is a stepping stone on the road to moving forward,” she said. “Each step makes it easier to move on and understand why you shouldn’t be with this person.”
Susan said she believes what will be done will be done. “I always say, if it was meant to be, the universe wouldn’t make it so hard on you,” he explained. “But it’s hard to learn the lessons, sometimes.” Breakups are painful, but if people can be mindful of how they navigate the experience, they can learn so much about themselves and what they’re looking for.
Sybersue helps break old dating habits
An important part of healing from a relationship is deciding what to avoid in the future. Many people carry painful experiences from a previous relationship into their next one, and this is detrimental to the prospects of the new relationship. Susan said singles should identify and think about the things they liked about their last relationship, along with the things they didn’t like.
“I tell people to ask themselves what was good about that person in your relationship and what wasn’t so good,” Susan said. “Then look around and see what worked, what you liked, and what you’d like to keep in your next relationship. If something didn’t work, decide that it won’t be part of your next relationship.”
Susan said that framing a breakup in terms of learning and growth is helpful. “I think once you take on that reflection, you can start to see the end of the relationship, and the relationship, as a valuable lesson, instead of something that just causes you pain for the rest of your life.” This kind of framing also makes it easier to deal with harmful dating practices.
Susan McCord has years of experience helping people get through breakups.
However, old dating habits can be hard to break. It takes some reflection to break the habits that may lead them to the wrong people. “Some people are addicted to drama because that’s what they know,” Susan said. “Some always prefer the bad boy or the bad girl because it’s exciting. But, at the end of the day, what we all want is a stable, mutually loving relationship.”
Susan encouraged daters trying to break the habit of pursuing unhealthy relationships to take it slow. “The bottom line is slow and steady,” he said. “When you meet someone, especially with online dating, you have to give the little things a chance to come out and read between the lines about yourself.”
Getting back on the dating scene can offer some respite for people experiencing breakups, but Susan urged newly singles to take some time to fully process their breakup. “I like to call it a sabbatical from dating after a difficult breakup,” she said. “You’re not clear-headed when you’re leaving a relationship, and it’s not a good thing to be when you’re meeting new people.”
No dumb advice for Millennials and GenX
Dear Sybersue offers resources for anyone experiencing heartbreak. Resources provide the support, strategies, and strength people need to navigate a breakup and come out whole on the other side. Dear Sybersue’s online collection helps singles rebuild their self-esteem, grieve their past relationship, and become happier, more fulfilled versions of themselves.
Susan offers personally breakup and relationship coaching. In her coaching sessions, Susan meets clients where they are. It helps them cope with their past relationships while focusing on their hopes for the future. Susan has been helping people recover from heartbreak for years, so she is well equipped to guide any kind of broken heart to healing. Feel free to contact her about collaboration via her email, dearsybersue@gmail.com.
Susan covers the world’s hottest questions on her advice show
Dear Sybersue’s blog is always updated with posts on a variety of topics. Susan explores topics such as first date etiquette, co-parenting after divorce, and tips for setting relationship goals. It has articles that discuss topics related to all kinds of singles, whether they’re taking time to focus on themselves or diving back into dating.
Dear Sybersue also takes the Internet’s hottest questions about breakups and relationships. Readers regularly write in search tips from Susan. Susan approaches her readers’ questions with empathy and understanding, but doesn’t mince words. It tells both customers and readers what they need to hear, but not always what they might want to hear.
The end of a relationship can be a consuming experience. It can be difficult for people to put their situation in context and look to the future with enthusiasm. With the right support and resources, healing from an affair is not only possible, but an experience full of opportunities for personal growth.
“The trick is not to repeat those bad patterns,” Susan said. “If something brought you pain once, it will be the same the next time you try it. It’s important to realize that patience brings great things and that we all deserve a great partner.”
Click this link to read the original post/interview on datingadvice.com
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