This woman wrote me about dating a widower and red flags she found. My view is completely different from hers – here is the whole story.
The downside of dating a widower
Dear Ronnie,
Aid! I am a widow, now dating a widow for 3 years. My gut told me not to date, as it was only a few weeks after his wife died when we first met. At that time he told me it was a big goodbye and he was ready.
He is a good man and unlike anyone I have known and cared for.
I have met all his family and friends. She cleaned “her” house and only has a few small pictures of her around which I don’t mind. He calls every night. And he pursued me hard when we first started dating.
Now I think he was in shock!
Last month, he told me he is committed to our relationship and wants to move on with me as he “doesn’t want to lose me”.
Now he’s escaping the fact that he wants to be stronger in himself and is seeing an EMDR therapist for trauma. He lost many people in his life in a short period of time. His late wife died of ALS and it had been going on for almost 5 years. He was her sole caregiver.
Helping him heal
I wanted to help him and he really helped me open my heart to love again. But I’ve read some articles (including yours) that read if you help a man when he’s weak, when he’s strong he’ll leave you because he doesn’t want to remember this time.
I believe he is still grieving as they were married for 36 years.
I am looking for a man who is emotionally available and ready to commit to me. Either with a ring or a move. We talked about it and he has even looked at houses with me.
But something seems to be ‘off’. I was told because he is not an alcoholic (my previous relationships) that this relationship would be different. All my friends and family like it.
Something is missing
But I am ready for a partner to share fun times with now. I want to travel and play! We do these things, but something is missing.
I know it will be hard to break up with him, but do I think at this point I am setting myself up for more grief?
Aid! What do you think;
7 Signs A Widower Is Ready For Love
Seeing the Flipside
Hello Mary,
Your question has me confused. You have told me many things about your widowhood which are all GOOD SIGNS!
- He has included you in his life
- He told you that he is committed to your relationship
- Look at houses with you
- He takes care of himself to heal and be stronger
What about dating a widower – no red flags that I can see. He shows none of the signs I point out for a widower who is NOT ready – at least what you mentioned.
Getting help shows strength
Damn it EMDR therapy it’s not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of strength! He works to better himself and heal the losses in his life. He has a level of self-awareness that many women would love.
The weakness I talked about in dating a widower – the red flags that wave when a man is in grief and can’t help himself. He can’t function and doesn’t feel social. or he is angry and takes it out on you or everyone.
None of this makes a man bad, it’s just that the relationship isn’t ready. But this is not like your widower’s situation.
You think he’s still grieving and he might be – it’s been 36 years of marriage. That doesn’t mean he isn’t ready for you.
The long-term process of ALS is a different kind of transition than when someone dies in a relatively short period of time. He may have been ready for you then and still is.
Extra good points
- You have fun and travel together
- Your friends like him
- Your family likes him.
The only mistake in your mind is that “something is missing” from you but you cannot recognize it.
However, you didn’t say that he keeps you a secret, that he lives among his deceased wife’s things, or that he doesn’t include you in his life. You didn’t say he won’t commit, is avoidant or depressed. You didn’t say he has sexual problems, isn’t generous, or doesn’t have time to be with you.
You’ve been with him for three years. What part of being your partner isn’t working?
Listen to it with compassion
I have an idea that might throw you off and shock you a little. Here is my take on this complicated situation.
Please listen to this next part with kindness and compassion. I say this because I think you really want an answer if you were texting me about dating a widower – red flags.
It is possible that you are the one with the problem.
You don’t leave behind a good person who is devoted and loving because something is missing but you can’t say what it is. If you can’t put your finger on it, that something might be… you.
The excitement of Drama
Maybe you’re used to the drama of dating an alcoholic – you wouldn’t be the first woman to be drawn to a tumultuous relationship and a feeling that’s normal when it comes to love.
Uncertainty creates excitement associated with having problems and then solving. Some people find it feels more romantic. Some women prefer the intense passion of “makeup sex”.
Another area to consider is your own family. Did you grow up with a lot of drama in your home? Did your parents have a lot of fights or drama? Does stress or uncertainty make you feel more alive?
If I don’t have that idea, I apologize.
Because dating as a widow can be difficult
Before You Let Him Go
But before you walk away from a good person you love and enjoy, figure out what’s missing. If you don’t, you will likely repeat this pattern. So you might as well learn that lesson now with another man.
If you can’t pinpoint the problem with dating a widower or any red flags you see, you might wonder what else might be holding you back.
How to find what is missing
1. Make a list of what is good about your relationship.
2. Make another list of what you liked about past relationships.
3. Make a 3rd list of what you want to avoid in a relationship based on your past relationships with alcoholics. What didn’t work and made you miserable?
Then look at these lists with a clear head. What do you notice? What stands out? What pattern could you see now that you never thought of before?
It may take some time to catch up with what you feel is missing. You may need to journal several times to edit it. Or talking to a therapist could be helpful in working this out.
The answer you need is there for you about what’s missing and it’s your job to figure it out. I’m not sure you can blame this problem on dating a widower – red flags.
Look within yourself at your life and your story. Think about your expectations. Think about it a little.
I wish you love,
Ronnie
Free for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her personal development skills and spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering it keys to event and average dating agefounded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live a dynamic and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a certified life coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She is his hostess Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC and Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com and Connecticut Magazine among others. Ronnie is also the author of 6 books available at Amazon.