Hello friends,
In our last blog, we talked about communication breakdown. We talked about how communication should be clear, calm, current and constructive. We analyzed the first three in detail and explained why they were important. We’ve also given you some examples of how we’ve done it at our wedding.
Now, let’s break down what constructive communication is, why it’s important, and how we can use some tools to help us communicate more constructively. We will also give you biblical and practical ways to apply it to your relationships in the hope that these tools will help you build the marriage you and your spouse want to have.
What are you trying to build?
We hope the answer to that question is… “A beautiful adventure wedding!” If it is, you’ll need tools! If you’re building something, tools are a necessity. Some tools are designed to tear down and other tools are designed to create.
If you’re trying to make something beautiful, having the right tool at the right time can be a game changer. Using the right tool can turn a difficult task into an easy process. However, if we use the tools incorrectly, we can end up tearing something down instead of building it up.
When it comes to your marriage, you want to build, not tear down. You want your words to bring unity, peace and trust. Although constructive communication can be difficult, the following tools will make the job easier!
Constructive Communication
When I think of constructive communication, I think of communication that includes all the aspects we talked about last time. It’s clear, calm and to the point, but to be effective it also needs to achieve something. Usually, constructive communication should happen when you and your spouse are trying to make a decision about something and you don’t agree.
These are the times when being constructive is critical. Why do you want to leave this discussion with unity? You don’t want to leave frustrated, exhausted, but no closer to resolution. So, let’s open our toolbox and get to work.
Tool one: Compromise
A compromise is an agreement or settlement of a dispute reached by each side making concessions.
To compromise, both people must be willing to make changes in order to move forward and complete whatever task it is. No one gets their way completely.
For compromise to happen, both people need to realize a few things:
- There is more than one way to achieve the goal.
- Your way is not the only way.
- Your way may not even be the best choice.
In most cases, there are many ways to achieve your goal. So it’s up to you and your spouse to sit down and use the tool of compromise to choose the best one for this unique situation.
In compromise… sometimes mostly your path will be chosen. Other times it will be mostly your spouse, but most of the time you will find a place in the middle. I like what Dr. Gottman says about compromise.
“Compromise is never perfect. Everyone wins something and everyone loses something. The important thing is to feel understanding, respect and honor.”
That’s really the important part of compromise, being open to your spouse’s opinions and ideas and not just dismissing them. It’s about both people walking away feeling understood and respected. We can guarantee that every time compromise is used in a positive way, your relationship will grow.
Tool two: Capitulation
Capitulation is the act of surrendering or ceasing resistance to an opponent or demand:
So capitulation is the opposite of compromise. When we use the tool of capitulation, a person gets their way.
For capitulation to happen, both people need to realize a few things:
- It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about maintaining unity while achieving the goal.
- Your husband’s way may be the best option.
- You can’t be bitter if your way isn’t chosen.
Think of capitulation as a gift to your spouse. You show them that there is no winner or loser in this situation. When you figure out the best way to do something, it doesn’t matter if it was your idea or your spouses idea, the main thing is that you have come to an agreement. Now you can both go ahead and the goal will be achieved!
Tool three: I agree to disagree
Agreeing to disagree occurs when the goal can be achieved without the couple having to agree 100%. There are times in your marriage where you have to choose a way. However, this does not happen all the time. In some cases, you can work individually and achieve the same goal. At these times, you can agree to disagree and move on.
If you’re going to practice agreeing to disagree, both people need to realize a few things:
- You don’t have to choose just one way to do something in every situation.
- You don’t have to hit every goal 100% together.
- You can divide and conquer, but if you divide up the work, don’t get hung up on how your husband does his part.
An easy example of this is cleaning the house. The task is to clean the house. If you split the to-do list, you focus on your side and let your spouse focus on his. No, they may not sweep the floors or wash the dishes like you, but if at the end of the day the house is clean, it’s a win.
Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean you walk away disappointed and the goal isn’t being met. It just means that you don’t let the little details steal your peace, especially if those details really don’t matter.
How can I start using this tool in my marriage?
While all of these tools will benefit your marriage if you use them on a regular basis, we understand that it won’t be easy. These kinds of things don’t come naturally to any of us. It goes against our flesh not to get our way. However, Luke 6:31 gives us a new way of thinking.
Here’s a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you. then take the initiative and do it for their!
If you can keep this biblical principle in mind during conversations where you disagree, we believe you can navigate them in a more constructive way.
So, what are some Biblical and practical ways to use these tools?
Bible App-
We enter the Word and become more like Christ. When we spend time in His Word, we will begin to take in His selfless love and concern for others, and using these constructive tools will come more naturally.
While you won’t find a scripture that directly mentions “compromise, capitulate, or agree to disagree,” we believe that verses like Luke 6:31 and 1 John 3:18 will help us use these tools in our lives as the we apply in our daily activity.
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with deeds and in truth.
1 John 3:18
The last part of this verse is powerful when applied to our lives: Love with deeds and truth.
It doesn’t matter if you tell someone you value their opinion if you never take the opportunity to listen to them. It doesn’t matter if you say you work together with your husband, if you always make time. Our actions must support what we say.
Love is active and you can actively love someone by being willing to use the tools so you both feel heard and valued. We actively show our spouses love when we don’t demand our own way.
By getting into the Word and finding more scriptures that teach us how to treat others we will become more like Christ (love, compassion, humble, selfless). Because of the change that will occur within us, compromise, capitulation, and agreeing to disagree will become a more natural response.
So step 1 goes into Word. Now let’s talk about some ways we can practically overcome it in our relationships.
Practical application-
Constructive communication occurs when both sides actively listen and work together to move in the same direction to achieve a common goal.
How do we ‘actively listen’ and ‘work together’?
Let the other person speak- We will never be able to move forward as a team if we don’t let the other person communicate their opinions and ideas.
“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”
Proverbs 18:2
Listen with the goal of understanding that you are not responding- Really listen to what the other person is saying and really consider their ideas. Don’t formulate your answer while they are talking.
“He who answers before he hears – that is his folly and his shame.”
Proverbs 18:13
Ask clarifying questions to move the conversation forward- This is the time to ask all the questions you need to understand your spouse’s point of view and ideas.
“So let us pursue that which makes for peace and mutual edification.”
Romans 14:19
Stay humble- At the end of the day you win or lose as a team. No matter how the decision comes down, you and your husband must be humble in spirit.
“Put on therefore, as God’s elect, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.”
Colossians 3:12
Keep building
As you begin to plan to make constructive communication a part of your marriage, you will find that it will take time and a lot of trial and error. There will be times when you get it right. Celebrate these moments! There will be times when you get it wrong. Use forgiveness and grace here excessively! But through all the ups and downs, keep building. Keep trying to create the beautiful adventure wedding you wish you had!
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
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A beautiful adventure wedding can be found anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. While you’re there, be sure to follow and share us with a friend!
