learn to say no
People with low self-esteem are often “yes” people. They will say yes to any request because they fear that if they don’t, they will lose the relationship. Saying no after a lifetime of being a “yes” woman isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start anyway. If someone doesn’t want to be around you because you stood your ground for your own reasons, whatever they may be, that’s on them. You cannot control other people’s behavior. You can only check your own. People who are used to taking advantage of you in the past will try to convince you to change your mind. The question you need to ask yourself is what are you saying “No” to if you say “Yes” to their request. Plus, if you say “No” and then change it to “Yes,” you’ll have a harder time saying “No” to that person in the future. Someone who wants to push you out of your comfort zone or your worth and limits doesn’t have your best interest in mind, they have their own mind.
know yourself
What do you like to do? What do you like to eat? Where would you like to live? Have you ever considered these questions without considering someone else’s opinion? If you could spend your time doing anything you really enjoyed, what would it be? Often when you’re in a codependent relationship, you don’t know the answers to these questions because your entire life has been focused on someone else’s wants and needs. Now is the time to learn about you, your wants and needs, and then spend time pursuing those things.
Release some
It’s time to put some physical and emotional distance between yourself and others. You’re not going to dump someone or end your relationship, it’s just leaving some space there so you can complete these other steps. Detachment or detachment from yourself is not selfish, just as self-care is not, but it is necessary to improve your situation. What it does is give you the space to know yourself and become the person you really want to be. When you disengage, you stop:
- Participating in arguments
- Getting involved in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe
- Putting the feelings, opinions and needs of others before your own
- Trying to fix other people’s problems, instead listening without action
- The nagging and criticism of others
- Saying “Yes” all the time
- Allowing people to break down your boundaries
- Be reactive, rather than remaining calm and assessing the situation to determine what your correct reaction should be
Accept responsibility only for what is yours
It becomes a bad habit to accept responsibility for your partner’s bad choices and try to fix them, but to recover from codependency in relationships, you have to stop. In addition, you need to take responsibility for where you are in your life. Yes, things from your childhood brought you here, but now that you recognize the problem, it’s time to take charge and own your place. You can it makes your situation better for you. If you’re with someone who is spendthrift, don’t let them have access to your money. If you share expenses, pay your half yourself. Most companies have online systems now, which makes it easy. Yes, you still face the electricity being shut off if he doesn’t pay his half, but you also have the option of staying with a friend or relative and not suffer the consequences of their actions. Don’t let the words of others continue to make you believe that you can’t take care of your own needs. You are an adult with free will to make choices, just like your partner, friend or family member. Stop taking responsibility for their choices and start owning your own.
No more victim mentality
It’s easy to blame others for anything wrong in our lives. You are in a dependent relationship now because of something someone did or didn’t do in your childhood. How you deal with it is up to you. It goes back to accepting responsibility but takes it a step further. Being a victim means never having your part in anything. Your life happens. You are not an actor but a recipient. Instead, become a student of life that is constantly growing and learning. Put aside the desire to avoid responsibility and start owning your life. You are the only one who can truly make changes in your life. You are responsible for becoming the next version of yourself, whatever that may be. Turn your mind in a new direction where there is no more guilt, just be the best version of yourself that you can be. With the removal of the victim mentality comes the freedom to be whoever you want to be. You can chart your new course, set your own goals and define your values, then live your life to be the person who follows the course, achieves goals, and lives up to those values.
Codependency in a relationship does not have to be permanent
Now that you know what codependency looks like in a relationship, you can move on to being proactive, rather than reactive, in your life. You can take steps to remove yourself from this type of relationship, either with or without the other person in the codependency. Chances are good that if you have a codependent romantic relationship, you have other codependent relationships, possibly within your family, but they could also be lurking in your friendships. Work to take these steps and nature will take care of the rest. As others see you making positive changes, one of two things will happen. They will either ask to come with you and learn how you make all these big changes, or they will resist and walk away. Both are acceptable if you remember that you can only control and change yourself. Whatever someone else chooses to do is up to them.
