One of the most difficult times of year for co-parenting families after divorce is the holiday season.
Let’s face it, it can be a challenge for divorced parents to let go of grudges and bad memories of the past
holidays. For the recently divorced parent, the holidays can be emotional, stressful, and perhaps a
lonely time of year – especially if they don’t have new traditions and support systems.
Navigating the holidays while also co-parenting can leave you feeling anxious or stressed. However, it is
It’s important to keep the focus on your child’s best interests and provide a role model for their perspective
relationships they can bring into the future.
Make your child a priority
The most important thing to keep in mind during the holidays is that your child must come first
Nothing else. When you are co-parenting, you may worry that they are not going to have the same
vacation experience as they did before your divorce. Instead of focusing on these worries, think
ways you can create new memories that will bring him pleasure and a sense of security.
For example, when you are co-parenting during the holidays, your child may need to cram multiple family gatherings into one day, even splitting the day with their other parent. This is difficult for everyone, but think about how this can be especially difficult for your child. Instead, think outside the box and make alternative plans, such as opening presents on Christmas Eve or a holiday dinner or party the day after Christmas.
Being flexible around the holidays can go a long way in reducing your child’s stress when con-
raising children. Ask yourself if your vacation schedule is child-centered or more focused on their needs
you and your ex husband?
Beware of loyalty conflicts
First and foremost, you must do everything in your power not to exacerbate your child’s faith conflicts
during the holiday season. It is wise to be flexible and understanding as you negotiate schedules – yours
The child may feel torn between the two different worlds of his parents.
Just the fact that it’s a holiday can reawaken old worries in your child (even years later).
divorce). They may wonder, “How will my mom feel since I’m with my dad this year?” Or, “It’s mine
Will dad feel left out if I spend Christmas at my mom’s house?’
For children of divorce, the holiday season can remind them that their family is now divided and can
cause loyalty conflicts because they can feel pulled in every direction and eventually will
disappoint both their parents. Children may worry that they won’t get their needs met, and they can
they benefit from empathy and emotional guidance to help them navigate tender emotions.
Emotional Coaching
The model of Dr. John Gottman on Emotion Coaching is a five-step method that builds emotionally
intelligence and creates long-lasting results for children and adolescents. These steps are important to you
keep in mind so you can support your child during the holiday season (and all year round).
- Pay attention to your child’s feelings
- Recognize your child’s expression of feelings as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
- Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
- Help your child learn to put his feelings into words
- Set boundaries when helping your child solve problems or deal with embarrassing situations appropriately
Show compassion for your child if he seems stressed or anxious, or if he misses his other parent. Remind
that it’s normal to feel more anxious this time of year and you’ll help them navigate
rocky areas any way you can. A phone conversation with their other parent can ease their grief.
5 ways to cope with co-parenting during the holidays:
- Consider your child’s best interests. Remember that children can usually benefit from time with both parents. Be flexible and do your best to ensure that your children can spend time with their other parents and extended family members. Studies show that children adjust better to divorce if their parents minimize conflict and are more cooperative.
- Focus on positive communication with your ex-spouse. Contact them via email or phone calls whenever possible because messages can get emotional during the busy holiday season. Be cordial with your ex and/or their relatives and never bad mouth them to your child.
- Remember that your child is not property and that they have their own delicate emotions to deal with during the holiday season. Do your best not to put them in the middle by making them a messenger between you and your ex-husband. Don’t ask too many questions about their time with their other parent, but express pleasure if they had a good experience.
- Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to be sad or miss the other parent on vacation. Don’t make them feel guilty about the time they are away from you.
- Start new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for your child. For example, visiting friends, attending a play or concert, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or enjoying a special meal. Keep traditions and activities from the past that worked well. Laughter is one of the best ways to change a negative mood into a positive one. Listen to music, work on a puzzle, or engage in other fun activities.
Remember that your goal is to create new, positive vacation experiences for your child to stay with
them for the coming years. Modeling respectful behavior toward your ex is key to having a
successful holidays. Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger, so do your best to keep these feelings in check. By working with your child’s other parent, you create a pattern of life that provides positive memories that will stand the test of time.
