Ask a sex coach
“My hypersensitive clitoris has always caused problems in my relationships. Men just don’t know how to handle it and I often avoid being touched. It’s also something men love because penetrative sex makes me scream and whisper a lot. Vaginal orgasms, however, don’t leave me fully satisfied and I end up craving clitoral stimulation. I can have clitoral orgasms on my own, although no partner has been able to get me there.
I told my husband that I like to start slow and that direct clit touch without any foreplay is like being electrocuted, yet the moment we have intercourse he would go straight for my clit causing me to squirm and move away
I also see so many women posting about the “womanizer” game or tummy tips that recommend clit sucking. The thought of being in one of the first places makes me shudder. Trying to explain to my partners how to deal with my very difficult lady parts has always been so difficult that today, I feel completely insecure and in my head, I wonder if there is something wrong with me.
How do I handle being so sensitive? How can I best explain what I need from my partner? I just feel so lost and unsure if I’ll ever have a functioning sexual relationship.” – Elli
Dear Ellie,
I’m sorry you feel that way. Your sensitivity and desire to be touched in a way that is stimulating and comfortable for you is completely valid. If your husband doesn’t pay much attention to your requests or how you respond to his strokes, you have every right to feel upset.
I wouldn’t blame him for not knowing how to do it “right” though. You see, there is no universal technique for touching a vulva or clitoris in a way that feels good for everyone. I bet even for you, what’s good changes depending on the day of the month.
Another problem is that most men learn how to handle the clitoris by watching poorly made, generic and very unrealistic porn scenes. Unfortunately, holistic sex education is not something easily accessible.
So what can you do?
First, learn to accept (if not value) your sensitivity as a unique, not damaged, part of your sexuality. Know that if your man wants to be sexually expressive and orgasmic, he’s going to have to put in the effort to learn what works for your lady parts. It’s a package deal.
You seem to know what your body needs. Now it’s all about your partner hearing it, then practicing and adjusting until you get the timing, speed, pressure and strokes dialed in.
One way to help him get a better idea of what you need is to masturbate in front of him so he can see up close what you’re doing and how. You can also try to show how sensitive the clitoris is by stimulating the head of the cock immediately after completion.
It may be helpful to schedule time where you can both take turns and instruct each other on how you would like to be touched. Think of it as a sex lab: feedback, in this case, is the goal, not the mood.
Be patient; it is unlikely that he did it perfectly even after several of the “sex workshops”. But as long as you both make an effort and don’t give up on each other, you will make it.
