Authenticity is the path to a healthy romantic relationship, yet sometimes our fear of not being enough or our deep thirst for love prevent us from showing up authentically on dates. Perhaps we fear rejection if we reveal our true selves. Maybe we’re afraid our date won’t want to see us again if we’re honest about what we’re looking for in a relationship. How can we instead come out authentically and show up as our authentic selves?
If you can relate to these fears, here are some suggestions to help you come out authentically.
Choose a meeting place you feel comfortable with
Your date starts long before you walk out the door or start a video call, and it’s important to come across as authentic from the start. When arranging how, when and where to meet, suggest a time, place and activity that works for you, and try to catch yourself if you’re about to agree to something that doesn’t feel right. For example, if your date suggests meeting for evening drinks and you don’t drink and prefer an afternoon stroll, speak your truth and ask for what you want.
Relationships require compromise and you may find a middle ground, but make sure you don’t compromise completely at this early stage by agreeing to something that isn’t right for you. If you can’t meet face-to-face, you can suggest playing a game together on a video call or cooking together or doing another activity that aligns with your authentic self.
Give yourself a pre-date talk
Before you walk out the door or start your video call, check yourself. Do I feel enough? Do I believe that I am attractive, lovable and worthy of a healthy relationship? Am I happy with myself? On the surface, we might answer “Yes,” but what if we look deep? I’ve met many people who struggle with low self-esteem and not feeling enough, and I’m familiar with these feelings.
Many of us still carry self-esteem wounds from our childhood – wounds connected to our first experiences of love. wounds that lie buried in our subconscious and surface at inopportune times, telling us that we need to try harder to be accepted or that we will be rejected if we show up as our true selves.
So before you go on a date, instead of worrying about the outer stuff—what to wear or how your hair looks—spend some time exploring your inner world and support yourself. Affirmations can help – I am enough. I am lovable. Prayer is also helpful – ask God how he sees you. Journaling can also be beneficial – record how you feel and explore any early wounds on paper. Or try writing a letter to yourself or your younger self, telling yourself what you needed to hear when you were young and what you need to hear today to feel enough.
You deserve to give yourself the best chance of success when dating, so date yourself first.
Share your truth with confidence
You may have heard that rejection is God’s protection, but do you date because you believe it to be true, or do you date to avoid rejection at all costs because you know it hurts? If the former, your dating experiences will be much more relaxed and will form the basis of a healthy relationship.
What might this look like in practice? Here are some examples:
You are not afraid of it discuss your faith, to say that you would like a family, to say that you do not want children or to say that you would like to live by the sea. You can speak freely instead of choosing words that you think will please the other person and make you more acceptable.
A word of caution here: it pays to weigh how much you share about yourself and your life in the early stages of dating. Trust is earned, so we want to find the right balance between being honest and revealing too much of ourselves to someone we barely know. We also want to be wary of trying to create a tension that doesn’t exist by over-sharing personal details.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, every once in a while as you chat with your date, if you’re censoring yourself or avoiding topics because you’re afraid of rejection, or if you’re saying things designed to please you. This is conscious dating. It’s about being aware of our motivations and being present to our emotions.
Feel free to ask your questions
Every date is an opportunity to find out if you want another date with this person, so don’t be afraid to ask relevant questions and gather the information you need. If you find yourself avoiding a question because you think your date won’t like it, or you think you won’t like the answer, find the courage to ask anyway. Also, don’t be afraid to disagree with your date. Being too nice comes at a price, and that price is an authentic relationship.
After your appointment, take a moment to review the experience. Did you appear authentic or did you hide some of yourself? Did you ask your questions or avoid certain topics?
Remember, dating is a learning experience and we improve our authentic dating skills with practice. Ask yourself if you would do things differently next time and celebrate your success when you show up as your true self.
How do you try to come off as authentic?
Did you enjoy reading How to Date Authentically? Read more from Katherine Baldwin here
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