We all know that communication is key when it comes to any form of relationship. It’s important to get your point across and listen, but also listen and pay attention to others. However, sometimes our communication style within relationships can be an enigma or polar opposites, leading to miscommunication and breakdown of understanding. Why are there some people you just click with and others you struggle to talk to? And how might this affect dating and romantic relationships?
One of my biggest fears when dating was silence. Conversations that can dry up and become nothing. I’m still nervous about awkward silences with some people and when I’m dating I want to find someone I can actually talk to.
However, communication is more than just talking, it’s about understanding the other person and learning how they communicate and educating yourself on their different styles as well as learning their love languages. How one person listens, communicates, conveys their voice and feels valued is very different from how another person does the same thing.
My husband and I are opposites in the way we communicate – this has its pros and cons, but it also means our argument styles are different when certain situations lead to conflict.
I am more of an extrovert and my husband is an introvert. This can be really beneficial in many ways – in social situations I’m much more open and sometimes I can take over a bit more of the social arrangements so that his introverted self doesn’t get too overwhelmed. My husband, as an introvert, is more methodical and that can be calming for me so I don’t get confused or overwhelmed in other situations.
My husband fully processes everything and thinks before he speaks, while sometimes I don’t! I process by talking things, my husband processes by thinking things. I don’t understand his silence of not sharing what he’s thinking and sometimes it sends me into panic mode! He doesn’t understand the continuous verbal flow and therefore doesn’t always hear what I’m saying.
As you can see, if you don’t address these issues, they can easily escalate and lead to conflict and a breakdown in communication. Over the years we have come to understand each other more and have worked on how we communicate to ensure we communicate effectively, but it takes time and work.
Here are some tips I’ve found helpful when working with different communication styles:
Relax
First, communication is best when you are relaxed, unhurried, and not overly tired. Try to make sure you’re not stressed, exhausted, or worried about something when you try to communicate, especially if you want to talk about something deep, important, or sensitive.
If you relax, then you are more aware of the other person and not overly self-aware, which is what happens when your own communication style becomes excessive – you may get stuck or talk a lot more and a lot faster than normal.
Learn to see the signs of how the other person communicates – does he like to be included in every conversation, does he like to start conversations, are they just answering the questions that are asked and not helping to move the conversation forward? Does it seem like they aren’t listening just to get their point across?
Give each party time to be heard, and if you’re someone who likes to join in on every conversation, then leave room for others to speak without interrupting someone’s story. If you’re the conversation starter, you might wait for others to ask questions, or ask questions carefully to open up the shy party.
I’m taking the responsibility
A lot of communication is about the individual taking responsibility for how they express their opinions, being considerate of the other person, and understanding that louder is not always better. It can otherwise be easy to slip into selfishness, lacking true hearing and understanding. We need to appreciate the differences and learn to identify each other’s way of communicating.
There’s no right or wrong when it comes to good-natured communication, and while it may seem frustrating, that’s the joy of getting to know someone and finding the keys to unlocking them.
At first it can be hard to find common ground as you get to know each other and learn how to communicate with each other – are you funny/do you take things literally/are you easily offended or easily bullied? You weigh each other down, but it’s up to you to let others know how you personally communicate, making sure you’re open-minded about how they might communicate. For example:
You are introverted – they should feel that their point of view carries weight in the conversations. (So be sure to listen to what they have to say in full)
People with a lack of self-confidence – they should feel that their opinion is valid. (So don’t talk to them)
Extroverts – they should feel able to verbalize their thought processes. (So try to listen and really hear what they are saying and not just hear words)
“Always wanting to be included” people – they should feel like they have moments where they can be part of the conversation and let their anecdotes and stories be relevant and valued. (So try to allow them their stories, even if they have a story about everything. The need to be included and involved in something is much greater.)
As an introvert, an introvert’s opinion is valid and worth speaking, and it’s not okay to stay silent. As an extrovert, an extrovert’s voice needs to be heard and that means going with the folksy nature!
I hear
Really listen to what the other person is saying. This can be deciphering an extrovert’s outer monologue or not interrupting someone with a few words. Read the situation and also listen to what the subtext is – does the other person want validation, will they feel frustrated if you have to contribute to the story with your anecdotes? Focus on what is being said, make eye contact and try not to be distracted by your surroundings or your phone.
Check yourself
Be self-aware – do you feel like you have to join the conversation all the time and state how it relates to you? Don’t feel intimidated – what you have to say is important and you shouldn’t give up trying to get your point across. That said, you shouldn’t feel offended if you dominate a conversation and someone also wants a chance to talk. Just as we teach toddlers to share, we must learn as adults the intelligence of sharing conversations.
conflict
Are you a hedgehog or a rhinoceros? Before we were married, our wedding preparation involved identifying which animal we were most alike when we disagreed. Do you bristle and keep quiet, and therefore let situations fester, or are you like a bull in a china bowl or come out like a rhinoceros?
I think actually my husband and I are hedgehogs, but his introverted self means he takes his time to respond and that frustrates me when I want answers, so my extroverted self fills the silence and causes unnecessary words and can make a situation spiral. . Over the years I became more aware of it and tried to keep it under control.
During conflict, everyone’s communication styles are heightened and this can cause hurt and upset. Remember that in these moments self-control is needed.
Remember that God understands every type of communication. He he wants a relationship with everyone and nothing prevents Him from understanding everyone’s way of communicating. He knows each person from within as He created them. If you are in doubt about how to communicate or how to understand someone, pray about the situation as God may reveal the best way to communicate with them.
What have you found helpful in navigating different communication styles?
Did you enjoy reading “Different Communication Styles? 5 Important Things That Can Help You Connect’? You may like other Christian Connection blogs about communication such as “4 Ways Authentic Communication Leads to Healthy Love” and “Building Trust Through Communication – 6 Simple Steps”
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