Men being bullied is so much a part of the childhood experience that it is considered normal. A punch in the arm from a friend, a fight to see who is stronger, a bunch of dogs. Some might say that’s just the way boys are. Sometimes, I hear stories from men who had parents who encouraged them to be tougher, to “act like a man.” When young boys internalize these beliefs about themselves as tough, that they’re supposed to just take things like a man, they end up cutting off the more sensitive sides of themselves that they need later in life. Intimacy and relationships can become a big struggle.
Say, for example, as a young boy you were told that you should man up and crying is for girls. You learn that your feelings are not good, so you bottle them up. 20 years later you meet an amazing woman who you love but says she doesn’t feel close to you. He wants you to open up more and you have no idea what he’s talking about because you’ve never opened up in your life. You might even have an adverse reaction, the opening is for those newly minted vegan sissies. Sound familiar?
When someone is told who they are and how they feel is wrong, they begin to hold back or try to change their inner experience. How this happens in relationships is that the person is never sure who they are or what they want. They start running from a script that has no real depth or roots.
Another form of this: boys who are bullied in school and into adulthood are still angry at the way people treated them. This can be expressed in two different ways.
One way is the fear of the anger they have inside so they never get to express how wronged they felt by the bullying. In relationships, these men often have trouble saying no or standing up for what they want. Sometimes they end up putting themselves in the nice guy category for fear of ever becoming a bully. On the inside, when anger goes unacknowledged, it works subconsciously, often as a little inner voice running in the background that is always telling the person how bad, ugly, or stupid they are. The voice often stops at nothing to make you feel bad. He almost took the place of the bullies.
The other way this is expressed is that a belief develops that people are bad, bad and untrustworthy, and to let them shut down will inevitably hurt. At a deeper level, this belief can be entrenched that if their peers are mean and mean, they must also be mean and mean, and therefore unlovable. When someone at their core believes they are unlovable, falling in love or giving love becomes almost impossible. Making intimacy very difficult.
How about childhood punches and dog piles? Studies have shown that baby boys are touched less than baby girls, simply because they are of a different gender. Shere Hite in her 1981 Hite Report on Men and Male Sexuality found that most men go to or turn to sex because it is the only place where they receive positive physical contact. Otherwise, their lives are basically without physical contact with others. Imagine if your only tactile experience is someone trying to hurt you. This creates an internal personal struggle with physical contact, making the nourishment that might normally touch difficult to receive.
When we combine sex with disconnection from our emotions, we have bad sex. People operate from their heads and scripts that have no meaning behind them. Sex or relationships can feel empty, lonely and pointless. The script that one learns to stay safe or not express emotions often cuts you off from experiencing any true enjoyment.
This is a complicated subject and one that many men will stumble upon in their lives. If you or someone you love is experiencing symptoms similar to those listed above, know that you are not alone. A lot of people still think that to be a man you don’t have to show any emotion and that it’s okay to be aggressive with little boys because that’s how little boys are. I don’t buy it anymore. I’m done drinking this Koolaid. All children are sensitive regardless of their gender.
One thing you might want to do to start breaking free from the script is to talk about it with someone. If you have a story from your childhood, see if you can share it with a close friend, family member or lover. If you feel stuck, see a therapist to get help dealing with these feelings. You don’t have to live cut off from the intimacy and love that is possible for you.
I would also like to offer some advice to women. There is a need for tough men, we will always need tough men to stand on the walls and tend the land, but we need to teach them how to be loving at a young age to be emotionally attached in relationships. We need to embrace and encourage the strength and toughness usually associated with being a man, as well as develop the depth of character and emotional insight that lends itself to a connected dynamic in a relationship.
Also posted on BetterSexEd
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