Last week on Facebook, I wrote about how “change” without lasting fruit isn’t really change.
I suggested that those affected by harmful behavior should not be asked to settle for “change” that is not accompanied by real-life character transformation that occurs in everyday interactions.
Many evangelical and other conservative faith spaces exalt a “love” that overlooks character.
Simply relating to certain beliefs and communities is a major driver of how people interact with you. Your real face doesn’t always matter.
In other words, the words you say matter more than your actions, and there is plenty of wiggle room regarding the health of character and behavior.
In these faith spaces, you can do the opposite of what you say you believe (overtly or covertly) and it won’t make a ripple in the ocean of your belonging.
You can abuse, betray, and hurt as a way of life, and no one will cry out about your two-facedness. Because in these spaces, the “love” practiced does not see responsibility as a form of love.
When I share the post on Facebook, Most people agreed with the assessment that no one should be expected to accept change without some evidence.
But as sometimes happens, one commenter said the OP was a “slippery slope”. “It’s a slippery slope, I think. If someone makes improvements but it’s never ‘enough’ or recognized, that’s also wrong and terribly damaging to the person making improvements.”
I responded to the comment, but decided to add more thoughts and turn it into a blog post because victims and survivors of chronically hurtful relationships and systems deserve clarity and affirmation.
Change without continuous improvement should not be acceptable in marriage: The Post
Here’s what I wrote in the Facebook post (Image and caption) and the comment:
(PSA . Christ-centeredness isn’t just words. It’s fruit. Everlasting fruit. So saying, “But I’m working on it,” without EVER ONLY producing fruit doesn’t count. “I’m working on it” while “it” is still to hurt and destroy is not something a partner who accepts the hurtful behavior should be expected to cooperate with.” Christian marriage looks like the point where decency ends.”)
I had the words “ever” and “lasting” capitalized to emphasize the setting.
I know that personal growth and change can be slow and messy. I know that inner transformation and recovery results in a thorough transformation of character and habits do not appear overnight.
So I hit those caps. But they missed them. “I think it’s slippery. If someone makes improvements but it’s never ‘enough’ or recognized, that’s also wrong and terribly damaging to the person making improvements.”
I actually agree with part of the comment that says, “If someone makes improvements but it’s ‘never enough’ or recognized, that’s also wrong and terribly hurtful to the person making improvements.”
But “making improvements but ‘never enough’ or being recognized” was not my context in the OP.
And so I wrote this post not to lash out at someone who may have had good intentions, but to stand with those who are, or have been, in chronically hurtful systems and relationships who must face corrections and out-of-context warnings when they speak the truth of their experiences.
I write this to those whose hearts and intentions are often rephrased (sometimes by well-meaning people) to mean what they did not mean. I write to those whose real problems are dismissed or minimized, and find themselves defending and explaining entirely new discourses.
You absolutely deserve better. The tendency to fix the wrong problem (partner) is a pet peeve of many Christians and you deserve better.
You deserve healthy compassionate witnesses that are anchored in truth and empathy. You don’t deserve exhausting circular talk.
Change without continuous improvement should not be acceptable in marriage: The answer
Here’s what I wrote in response to the Facebook comment (slightly edited for clarity.)
“To keep hurting and destroying your partner, never producing lasting fruit, and expecting that standard to be accepted by a partner: I think that’s unfair and often what’s wrong with a lot of ‘Christian marriage advice.’
Unhealthy Christian marriage counseling asks one person to forever be in charge, to be the “big” person in the relationship...and it gives *the real troubled person* a lot of space and flexibility. We expect more from the hurt partner than from the person causing the harm.
When the metric is not fruit bearing but promising (with zero shelf life), this is a big problem. As for the OP, the problem person who made permanent improvements was not in my context.”
Sarah McDougalauthor and coach who empowers women to thrive after trauma shared something powerful this week.
She wrote: “Repentance is a whole mood, not just the absence of killing your marriage today. A person who doesn’t take responsibility, doesn’t show humility, does his part of the team work without complaint or seeks distinction, shows patience and kindness — he doesn’t recover. They may not be watching porn right now, but they’re not sober or remorseful.”
Marriage That Works: Recovery
I am not a rehabilitation professional (Sarah is!) My point is that people need to know that they can expect more from their partner/community.
People need to know that they don’t have to settle for eternal unfruitfulness like some holy cross to bear. Everyone should have the resources to assess the effects of chronic stress or trauma on their body and life and know that this does not mean a failure in faith or relationships.
I’m no recovery expert, but I imagine a recovery path filled with unrelenting damaging patterns (zero lasting improvements at any level) it is not a recovery path.
“Change” without lasting fruit isn’t really change, and everyone affected by corrosive connections deserves to know the truth.
Question: Change without lasting improvement in marriage: What did you think? What can you add? Let’s discuss in the comments.
Tired of the religious refrains used to justify your wounded reality?
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