It’s a powerful thing, this self-esteem thing. You really can’t succeed in life without a healthy dose of it. Likewise, you need one balanced dose of it to keep yourself in check and open to the work of self-improvement. But how does it play out in relationships? Can you have too much or too little for a healthy relationship? And, more specifically, he may have low self-esteem destruction a relationship?
When it comes to self-help and self-helpAnything, there is a long list of descriptors that follow the “self dash”: assessment, awareness, confidence, worth, value, respect, responsibility, love.
Things get a little confusing because the terms are not mutually exclusive.
While self-esteem is not specifically one of the 5 components of emotional intelligence, is closely related to all of these. The parts affect the whole, the whole affects the parts. And ’round and round you go in the positive (and sometimes negative) feedback loops of existence you.
Self-esteem is your subjective sense of worth. It is the living expression of your sense of personal worth and the confidence you have in your abilities and achievements.
And it affects each area of life…including personal relationships.
While your self-esteem is one inherent, unconditional, innate quality that doesn’t change, yours sense the value is not always so fixed.
Enter self-esteem: that vulnerable trait in childhood and the ebbs and flows of life that follow.
Even one healthy self-esteem it can strike when life throws a hard punch. Negativity and criticism in the workplace, losing a job or relationship, rejecting a passionate idea or creation. None of us is stoic enough to be immune to the emotional effects of conflict, loss, and rejection.
But someone with a healthy, well-balanced self-esteem is able to bounce back. Episodic disappointments and failures do not obliterate this essential, inherent sense of worth. And they do not become permanent omens of a fruitless life.
So what does it look like if a person doesn’t recover as predictably? If the neuro-paths carved during the formative years were paved with more question marks than exclamation marks? Or were the consequences of failure in a highly competitive world simply too consuming for a confident comeback?
What does it look like if, say, a person enters a relationship with low self-esteem intact, perhaps a holdover from past breakups or betrayals?
And how can low self-esteem destroy a relationship that has been the status quo for years?
Sometimes the best proverbs are boringly familiar for a good reason: is true.
And so it is when we talk about the need to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you.
Self-love – and, within that, self-esteem – is absolutely critical to the success of a relationship.
If you want more than the short, affirmative answer Can low self-esteem destroy a relationship? you must first remember what makes relationships work. Some of the basics that are self-explanatory but not necessarily easy include:
- trust in yourself, your partner and the relationship
- vulnerability, both emotional and physical
- healthy communication, both speaking and listening
- mutual respect
- mutual admiration
- self-accountability for “offenses of commission and omission” (ie, what you don’t say and do is as important as what you do say and do.)
- establishing healthy boundaries
- ability to express your needs in a confident and healthy manner
- concern for the other person’s needs and a loving willingness to help meet them
- ability to maintain individual interests and pursuits while mutually building the collective vision of the relationship
- ability to sincerely apologize
- ability to forgive
The list, of course, could go on and on. But, if you’re thinking ahead about the effects of low self-esteem on a relationship, you’re probably already connecting the dots.
So the short and obvious answer is Yes, a low self-esteem can destroy a relationship, regardless of the longevity of the relationship. And here are some of the reasons why:
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At the core of self-esteem is self-confidence. You trust your ability to make good decisions. You trust your ability to recover from disappointment. You trust yourself to handle whatever someone else says or does to hurt you.
And you trust your ability to look after yourself and your personal highest good.
When your self-esteem is low, that confidence is also low.
You may not make healthy choices when looking for a partner. You may, for example, gravitate toward people whose treatment of you will perpetuate your low opinion of yourself.
Or, if you’re already in a relationship, you might question the choice you made.
This inherent lack of trust will carry over to your trust in your partner. You don’t trust yourself, so why should you (and how can you) trust your partner?
Maybe he sees right through you and “knows” how “unworthy” you are – and is secretly looking for someone better.
You don’t know what to believe…because you don’t know what (or how) to trust.
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Healthy communication cannot occur because low self-esteem inhibits the ability to own your own contribution to it.
You may feel more comfortable playing the victim. After all, if you don’t trust your own ability to accomplish something worthwhile, then you won’t risk vulnerability in your relationship.
Everything either happens to you or due to you.
You become the antagonist or collateral damage to your own story – a story that isn’t even authentic.
You’re also denying your partner the opportunity they deserve for honesty, vulnerability, and growth.
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You can’t be vulnerable because you don’t trust yourself to handle the outcome if it’s not what you want.
You may also not feel good or worthy enough to speak your truth, let alone take risks in the form of physical/sexual expression. Your body is not good enough. Your technique is not good enough. You’re not pretty enough. Your partner is not really happy with you and would rather be with someone else.
You basically can’t risk being “seen” for who you are because, if anything you see what’s wrong, then only your partner will see that too.
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You can’t set healthy boundaries because you don’t really know yourself. And boundaries are about “where I end and you begin, and where you end and I begin.”
They apply to every aspect of a healthy relationship, creating security and establishing imperfect rules of behavior.
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The ability to sincerely apologize will be thwarted because you assume you are to blame for everything… or nothing.
Jerky apologies used to avoid confrontation do not achieve the emotional intimacy that genuine apologies do.
One is reflexive and avoidant.
The other reflects self-awareness and commitment to growth.
Again, the list could go on and on. This is how self-esteem is intertwined with every aspect of life.
There is, of course, another side to the question: Can low self-esteem destroy a relationship?
Learning how to maintain your self-esteem in relationships can give you a proactive edge in protecting your relationship.
Doing the work of developing self-awareness will naturally nurture and nurture your self-esteem.
And your enhanced self-esteem will, in turn, fuel your hunger for deeper awareness…while keeping your relationship open to its true potential.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
